The Three Rs: On the videogame movie :: Reviews, Rants and Randomness

Saturday, July 04, 2009

Written by: Thor

Videogames are immensely popular. So, too, are movies. To your corporate executive, combining the two is a dream come true. To your savvy fan, combining the two is cruel: it gives so much hope and delivers so very little. Recent game-to-film adaptations have included Resident Evil, Max Payne, Hitman, Doom, Tomb Raider and there are many coming up (Gears of War, Halo, and a Pac-Man film was announced in 2004). Of those five examples, none of them get higher than 35% on Rotten Tomatoes. The videogame adap is a byword for awful films.

Hollywood Reporter is reporting news that looks set to continue this trend valiantly:

Universal has won a four-studio bidding war to pick up the film rights to the classic Atari video game "Asteroids."

Yes, you read right: Asteroids. The videogame where you, a small triangle, shoot pixels at large blobs. It is one of the simplest games you could possibly imagine. And yet, four studios were bidding for the film rights. What do they see in this concept?

Rare photo of Hollywood executives destroying original ideas

Actually, there's quite a lot of potential. They could come up with any generic sci-fi story and so long as it contains a triangular ship blasting asteroids, they can rightfully slap "Asteroids" on the box. However, this does not at all guarantee any sort of decent film or good quality. It means, quite probably, a sub-standard film with some top-rate Atari branding. At best, it's going to be a rehash of Armageddon.

Do not despair, though, because I've got some ideas for even better films. Hollywood, just email me at thor@thethreers.co.uk!

Pong
Directed by Tim Burton. Johnny Depp stars as a lonely, broken tennis player called John Pong. After losing a championship final, he tries to overdose on many illegal drugs. Unsure whether he's dead, alive, or in some sort of middle ground, Pong knows only one thing: he needs some sort of resolution to take him back to the land of the living, or to the afterlife. To do so, he must use all his tennis skills to beat his opponent - a mysterious white monolith that can match nearly his every move. Eventually, he triumphs and gets his resolution. This being a Depp/Burton film, he doesn't go back to life.

Tetris
Evil Soviet Christopher Walken is a terrorist, and all that stands in his way is good American Tom Cruise. Walken has infiltrated a construction company (called Tetris, naturally). working on a new government building - and is hell-bent on ensuring that it doesn't get finished. First, he creates an "accident", giving the workers oddly-shaped blocks to work with. When the patriotic, hard-working American folk continue with their work, Walken rigs the the construction work with explosives - if a fully-formed line of blocks is present, bombs will explode! Cruise, on behalf of blue-collar America, must ensure that gaps are left in the building, thwarting Walken's plans. In the climax, Cruise throws Walken through one of the gaps shouting: "Let's play Tetris, motherfucker."

Space Invaders
In a sequel to Independence Day, Will Smith is assigned to the UN's anti-alien taskforce. Suddenly, lines of alien baddies descend upon the Earth. There are three strategic bases: one controlled by Smith, and two others controlled by lesser stars. Slowly but surely, the other two are destroyed - and Will Smith launches a final assault against the alien foe in a battle for the planet.

The Sims
Truman Show-esque, in which Christian Bale ("Dad"), Sandra Bullock ("Mum"), Shia LeBoeuf ("Son") and Dakota Fanning ("Daughter") play a family living in a blissful suburban estate. A crazed man (Christopher Lloyd) enters their house and tells them that their life is a sham, ruled only by a super-powerful megalomaniac, who is keeping them as an experiment. The megalomaniac - Malcolm McDowell - is enraged by this, and sends minions to quietly remove Lloyd from suburbia - but then the family start to fight back...

Sonic The Hedgehog
DreamWorks' latest CGI effort, with Samuel L Jackson voicing Sonic and John Lithgow as Robotnik. Evil scientist Robotnik mistreats his hedgehog through a series of cruel experiments - culminating with genetic engineering. Unwittingly, he creates a beast with the body of a hedgehog, but blue, with the speed of a cheetah and human vocal chords. Now, it's the ultimate revenge as "Sonic" (named because of the experiment codename, SOphisticated New Independent Creature) takes on his former tormentor - by chasing him!

Come on Hollywood, give me a job.

Labels: asteroids, film, give me a job Hollywood, Hollywood, Randomness