The Three Rs is a primarily British viral entertainment site, with standings in many niche interests and involved in a variety of different groups. Topics range from gaming to adulthood to the latest fashion.
One day last week I decided that I would watch a film. Upon choosing a DVD I decided that it would be a Jim Carrey Film. I would normally have chosen Ace Ventura as I know 100% of the words. But that day was different, I decided to watch The Truman Show...
Once the film is complete most people experience "The Truman Show Delusion" even if it is used in a joke like fashion but for a select few it becomes their lives... or to be exact, my life. The life you're probably watching right now. Yeah, that's right. I figured it all out.
Recently I went on holiday to Majorca, though this Mediterranean island bore a striking resemblance to main land Spain, which I visited few years before. Why? That's because it's a set! The plane just "had" to go over think cloud so the land couldn't be seen. I just happened not to have a window seat, just in case I realised the lie. And on the topic of planes... Terrorism? A scare tactic concocted by the Producers to stop me from going anywhere they don't want me going or aren't ready for me to go.
Bearing all this in mind I talked to Scott. "My Life's a Truman Show!" I explained. His reply? He changed the subject. Something panic you Mel? Did my spontaneous outburst ignite code red? He went on to ask why people we walk past have very loud conversations... why? Because it's code. They're telling you what to do, what to say. I'm watching you...
A question many will be asking is, if my life is indeed a reality TV show why did they make the film which spawns they're downfall? This is because the film adds the question to my mind. It makes me doubt my reality thus making better Television. allowing me to write on this blog which is only read because they can read my inner brain workings. Come to think about it, this post about the shows downfall will be indeed my downfall. Oh and it also explains the creation of "The Truman Show Delusion" to make me feel that this feeling is indeed stupid and incorrect.
So is my life a Truman Show? No, this post was all in jest. It's way too arrogant to think the world revolves around me and it ignores so many people which mean a so much to me. I may be God-like and awesome but awesomely no God complex here. I think.
36 Crazyfists once sang about the End of August and I think we all know they were alluding to August's Three Rs Roundup. August was a very productive month for us, the integration of new writers and a posting rota worked without a hitch and we were rewarded by high traffic around the website, so for that I thank both the writers and the readers. Also we unveiled work with Gawker Artists to provide a cross section of their artists work on the homepage, looked nice right? Also we gained our most Digged post of all time!
Changes
This months only major change are: -Gamercor3 has been given the old heave-ho into the world of Not3s. (Not3s, the Three Rs new music blog, has not been officially announced but can still be accessed.)
Poll Results
On the 1st of August we asked you "New Year Resolutions... A Fresh Start or Pointless False Hope?" You have been voting over at the Res3.net forums and you believe that new year resolutions are... Pointless False Hope.
Comments include: "They're pointless. I don't need a calendar to make me change. And they're usually broken around now, if they've gotten that far." by Thor.
Post of the Month
I, Dee4leeds, have decided that the best post over at the Res3.net forums this month is...
"Before you invited me to the blog I was reading through the homepage and thinking, "damn, that's a lot of text."" by Reload92.
Do you think you could do better? Register at the Res3.net forums and give it a shot.
First of all the next Poll of the Month will be posted, you'll be able to vote from tomorrow to the end of the month. Second we have more posts lined up and a larger push to fight Google... or another respectable website. And possibly thirdly, the official announcement of Not3s will happen.
*Edited by Curio (Posts Originally from "En Masse")
I was just flicking through the Three Rs blog, and more than half the topics were of games, the internet, porn and other random topics which bemused me as to why they were written about. Then with a sinking feeling, I scrolled up the authors list, and yep, I'm right, I'm the only female writer here. Why I'm here, I'm not too sure anymore. But I suppose you'll have to bear with me until Scott kicks me out. Sorry if you wanted me to write about gaming or something - although I think the others have that pretty much covered.
Hmm I'm not too sure what to follow that with, but I'm guessing that the majority of the readers here are of the male gender. So I thought I'd offer my services (add my myspace or email me) to try and unconfuse you about anything that confuses you about girls/help you out with any problems you have (bloody hell this is agony aunting...) I do it often enough on a daily basis anyway.... Honestly, don't be shy, I'm hardly going to display your name for all to see. It would help me, since then I wouldn't have to think about what to write for the next blog, it will probably be useful to others, aaandd most of all - you'd be unconfused! See, we all win.
Also if you see a (what you think is) fit girl walk across the street, don't suddenly holler out "Yo (insert inappropriate adjective)!" It's degrading, pathetic, rather embarrassing, and I've seen far more girls run fast in the opposite direction than into the said boy's arms. Me being one of them. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FOLLOWING US.
That's just stalkerish beyond measure. In fact, I might just invest in some pepper spray for the next encounter... *shudder*
Some of the greatest guild names I (and a few others) have ever encountered whilst playing World of Warcraft. Hope you enjoy!
CAPSLOCK CREW.
I'd Mana Tap That.
My Mom Caught Me Ganking.
Get Rich Or Die Grinding.
At Least We Got Farm.
helpwwwww.
Cunning Stunts.
Sapped Girls Can't Say No.
If Carlsberg Did Guilds.
UR MOM IS MY DAILY.
Grand Theft Kodo.
My Guild Name Is Too Lo.
8 Inches Unbuffed.
Hordecore Pwnography.
Me So Hordy.
Kill It Bang.
The Last Night Stand.
VloggerHeads is a new website, built on Ning technology. Ning, for those uninitiated to the weird workings of "Web 2.0" (that's user-generated content, shiny logos, social networks and that sort of stuff), is a platform from which people can build their own social networks. The plus side of this is that you can go on VloggerHeads, SocialCigar (probably the world's only cigar aficionado social network) and Fleecy Woolly Sheep [site not yet launced] (demographic obvious) and use the same account on all of them.
The concept of VloggerHeads is a simple one: a home for vloggers. Vloggers, for those of you who know nothing, are video bloggers. People who record themselves saying stuff on their webcams and then post them on YouTube. But perhaps they don't like YouTube for whatever pointless reason, and they want to be on a vlogging-only site...enter punnily-titled VloggerHeads to feed that crowd. What follows is a pretty much blow-by-blow account of my thoughts about what I saw on VloggerHeads when I ventured there - beginning with its content, and then talking about the site itself.
Above: the VloggerHeads header
Reassuringly, the first page has a video entitled "pedo". Well, I might as well watch it. It's mercifully short, so loads quickly.
Quick note about the interface: pretty standard. Play, go to beginning, slider, time gone, full-screen, volume. It's nothing new, but why reinvent the wheel? Control with the slider is pretty decent, although you can't start halfway through like YouTube lets you. But it's a beta, so things are allowed to be not as good as well-established, Google-owned behemoths.
Anyway, this video is just somebody pointing out people now say "pedo" instead of the full "pedophile" (or "paedo"/"paedophile" for us Brits) because it's just said so much. It's not a world-shaking opinion, but this is the Internet. Finding something stellar on attempt 1 is rare indeed*.
There's 119 pages of stuff here - 2372 videos. I see many faces present are repeated a lot, but such is the way a vlogging site would work. Here's something that sounds deliciously awful: "Los Angeles SUCKS". It opens with a scary guy roaring thrice, who quickly asserts he thinks he's the best looking guy on VloggerHeads (I shall abstain from commenting). He really does use his hands a lot in a vague manner. "LA is fake" he tells us, like it's some sort of revelation. Again, this is vlogging. To be fair, VloggerHeads exists for this stuff...except the blatant, toe-curlingly bad vanity! If the whole site is like this, it's a niche market that won't attract many advertisers, will it?
Wittily-named user "Another Vlogger" bravely tells the VloggerHead creators that demaning Personal Verification is some sort of bad thing. Good for him, and I hope he gets some satisfaction from biting the hand that feeds.
"Dear Obama" is the next video (yes, of course, I added the capital letters). This sounds like it's going to be some political rant (and it's about seven minutes long!). The description: "late night is like a truth serum". High hopes I don't have. Filmed in edgy nightvision, as well. She ("drstrangelove17") quickly establishes that politics isn't really what she posts on YouTube (really? You use two vlogging outlets?), but seems to think VloggerHeads is a better outlet. The user comments are slightly more mature than you get on YouTube and no-one's claiming your eyes will fall out if you don't copy this comment seventy times in the next thirty seconds and then do a Jamaican rain dance. Sensible move, really. Back to the video...
In a move of completely unthought-about action, she holds up paper to the camera, only for us to see whiteness. Couldn't this have been edited out later? And now fiddling with exposure doesn't really do anything...this is a painfully silly affair. She's reading a letter she wants to send Obama. This is just a large anti-Bush tirade. "George W Bush *is* Nixon!" she declares to her audience; as we sit here and wonder why we're hearing the same recycled opinions we've heard thousands of times before. This is getting tedious and also getting turned off, 4:30 in. Just in time to hear her call abortion a "superficial issue".
Enough of the videos. Let's move from the content to the site and its structure. A header with nice logo and a typical Web 2.0 sheen to it. Above that is a bar containing quickly-accessible information: your profile basics, friends, intra-VloggerHead messages and other Ning networks.
The site's layout is fairly simple. It's in three columns: recent activity, latest videos and members. A large green box gives you really easy ways to add videos, blog posts, invite friends or manage favourites. Although I am baffled as to why blogs are even necessary on a site dedicated to *video* blogs. The design is mostly grey with orange hyperlinks and a few icons. It looks alright, but it's a bit average. Navigation is fairly simple, although I'd like to see a YouTube-esque "related videos" section, as opposed to just "latest videos" and a small text link to view this user's other videos.
Essentially, VloggerHeads is a fairly decent site that sticks with the approved conformity of video-orientated sites, but keeping its focus strict. Its focus, though, is what gives VloggerHeads its one major flaw: its users, who seem determined to bore us with stories of their lives that no-one honestly cares about. It's the web equivalent to that person who just won't shut up about their hopelessly unfair life. Here, though, it's en masse. If nothing else, VloggerHeads deserves praise for keeping them off YouTube, if nothing else.
*RedTube being the exception.
That vain, hopeless hate speech against the good city LA and its fakery in full:
No, I haven't undergone ground breaking cosmetic surgery! The title is about the Digg/Buzz/Comment area below that's been given a face lift.
I tried to make it streamliner as I realised that it was getting to a stage were it was bigger than the actual posts! (Scott's posts anyway... and most possibly this one!) So I was hoping for your feedback.
First is to check the comment button works and second is just how it looks. Thanks.
"I HH8 JACK THSOMSPoN!"
"HE DONT NO WUT HES ON ABOUT!"
"ITZ A LOAD OF SHIT!"
Following the August 4 murder of a cab driver in Thailand in which the assailant claimed he was trying to recreate a scene from Grand Theft Auto IV, Thai authorities first "urged" retailers to pull the game off their shelves before taking the entirely unsurprising step of banning it outright. "The police are empowered to immediately arrest shopkeepers if they find any GTA games on sale," said police spokesman Ruangsak Jaritake. "GTA is banned mainly because of its obscene content - under the criminal law article 287 that prohibits reproduction, distribution or possession of such material." He added that retailers could face three years in prison and fines up to $180 if caught selling the games, while online sellers face stiffer penalties, including five years in the slammer and $3000 in fines.
Reporting on this sort of stuff seems to directly offend 90% of the so-called 'sane' gamer community, sparking everything from overly defensive comments to willy-nilly attempts at sarcasm to portray 'what the FOX everyman is thinking'; most of these are actually found within the first few pages of a relevant thread.
What's the problem these gamers have, then? People blaming a videogame for everything? You have to remember that, Hell, some people will be influenced by any media outlet, and reacting so defensively makes you all as bad as Jack Thompson, just on the other end of the spectrum. I think Jack and other personalities are very much misunderstood by rabid gamers en masse, who think that everything that comes out of the mouths of these infamous public figures is bullshit. Well, obviously its not; people are either being directly inspired by playing violent videogames or using playing them as an excuse for their actions. Hell, personally I think its a bit of both. Some individuals simply don't understand the lines between reality and fantasy. Joking about people being able to escape from the cops as long as they drive outside a certain radius on their radar may be all well and good, but there will be some idiots who actually do think that about real life if they play the game long enough.
Personalities like Jack understand that. Unfortunately, they also believe that the lines between reality and the game will blur and collapse for everyone who plays the game. As we all know, that isn't true. Still, you have to admit that some people will fall into such an obscure state of mind that they really will believe they can get away with playing Packie on one too many cars around their little American suburb.
Still, by refusing to admit that videogames just may inspire some sort of violence, even if its in a tiny percentage of the playerbase, makes you as ignorant as the people you're all-so-opposed to who think it'll happen to everyone. If anything, you're all being worse by over-reacting; Jack and his peers in the media are targeting those who distribute and produce this content, not those who actually play it. Sure, he's wildly on the inaccurate side by calling Grand Theft Auto a 'murder simulator' or 'training for anarchists', but I'd certainly say he wasn't that far off the mark if he used those phrases to describe Manhunt, which was such a piss-poor game it purely depended on one gameplay style alone: Reckless homicide - as Jack describes.
'There's worse things on TV' is a bit of a lousy excuse from the community, too (even though in some cases you can joke about it - such as learning how to make Molotov cocktails by watching Miami Vice. Personally, I learned how to murder people and cover it up from Dexter. Oh, and how to rob a train from Firefly). TV is, as the whole 'games are better than TV' crowd* keep wailing on about, different from videogames. Notably (as a lot of you fail to realise) you play videogames, and watch TV (unless we're on about Grand Theft Auto IV... where you can... watch TV). Usually, this helps us get more immersed in the story, keeping us playing for longer and generally making us have more fun. Remember that in videogames you control your character's actions, however. Its a lot more... powerful to kick the shit out of someone randomly on the street in a videogame than to watch it being done in a film or on TV. Often, TV stories are written in such a way that the characters participating in violence are doing it out of desperation or need to advance the story. On games, I can usually shove my fist in the face of anyone, for no real reason. This choice, for many, makes games far more immoral.
Right, I've gone of the subject.
The point is, may gamers outright refuse to accept that, somewhere in the world, someone could be negatively affected by playing a game and be led to do something drastic due to that outcome. Kinda like how Jack will never admit that games can lead to something good being created, see? You're just two sides on a war that will only be fought in courtrooms. Acting so irrationally and immature as completely dismissing any claims that videogames could, finally, be beginning to impact society in a more negative than positive way is not going to get us anywhere.
Especially if all you do is moan about it on some Internet forum; I don't blame the courts for taking degree-owning journalists and experts more seriously than a load of unqualified randomers who sit on their arse all day, playing videogames and fapping.
I'm sure the game of Line Rider needs no introduction. But in case you've been living under a rock without a wi-fi connection, let me explain. It's not really a game so much as it is a "toy". There's no objective or goal than that which you make for yourself. You draw, using your mouse, a path for a sledge rider to follow. If you're good, he goes up and down slopes, loops-the-loops and looks damned impressive. If you're rubbish (like I am), he will inevitably fall into the abyss.
Left: Bosh - rider of lines - on his sledge in trademark hat and scarf
It originated on deviantART where (as of me writing this) it has 28,500,022 views since it was uploaded nearly two years ago. It spread in the classic viral way that the Internet promotes. Friends showed friends who showed friends and it snowballed. Within weeks, impressive Line Rider tracks sprang up all over YouTube as the most skilled showed off. Hacked versions popped up everywhere, offering new tools like an eraser or just new, novelty vehicles. It was innovative, fun and spread like wildfire.
Before long (December, three months after its debut), inXile Entertainment snapped up the game officially. It was here that the promising, addictive Flash toy started its slow move to jumping the shark. For those unfamiliar with the term, when something "jumps the shark" it has "undergone too many changes to retain the original appeal". It was announced soon after inXile bought it that the game would be turned into a videogame proper, for the Wii and DS. That was a major marketing stroke of brilliance - what two formats suit this game better than Wii and DS? Now, we're still waiting for them to hit shops and videos have been unveiled of what we can expect.
It's gone officially rubbish and leapt with gusto over the Carcharhinus leucas.
inXile's rush to turn it from fun to cash cow has resulted in loading the game with gimmicks. Yes, an eraser is a gift (particularly for me, who barely manages to get a decent slope on the first attempt) and speed-up lines are nifty. But do we really need graphics of snow-capped mountains? Do we want lines that break off once the rider (called Bosh) has gone over them? Do we need the fourteen other new types of line? We certainly don't need a "puzzle creation mode"...what's come over them?
The charm of the original was in its minimalist subtlety. Even if that meant tools were limited to draw, delete track play and stop, we loved it regardless. But they've come along and turned it into a bloated game full of unnecessary nonsense. And, to make it worse, they've even sacrificed Flash. The latest version of Line Rider on the website utilises Microsoft's new Flash-rival plugin, Silverlight. Barely anyone has it, whereas nearly everyone has Flash. It's a stupid move however you look at it. (Although, in a breathtaking display of sense, the old Flash version is still available should you wish to play it.)
If you haven't yet learned today's lesson (big companies ruin the fun, always), check out the final nail in Line Rider's coffin:
Yes, it's a McDonald's advert using the Line Rider game in a pitiful and frankly embarassing attempt to be cool, hip and down wid da kidz. It completely fails on every level, but that hasn't stopped them creating a whole website devoted to this fast-food/game partnership where you can submit your own "Mickey D's Line Rider" which adds gimmicks like an energy bar which can only be replenished by hitting golden arches logos. And if that's not bad enough, look what's written at the top of MiniSizeFun.com (how I wish this were a joke):
Regular readers, or just Thor-o-philes, may remember last week's Thor's Day post: The Story Of Egmo. It was a review of an e-book called, oddly enough, The Story Of Egmo. A summary of my review: inane and boring, with a few touches of excellent comedy, riddled with butchered English. An email from Egmo's press office revealed they didn't think I was right. When it comes to the standard of English, everyone can make the odd mistake, it's completely natural. But some are so blatant, denying them ought to be a Biblical sin.
[Left: Ben Cormack, who should seriously contemplate sacking his proofreaders. Note: we were told to take down his picture by the Egmo people. Which, by the way, we took from their very own Press Kit. Maybe they put it in there by mistake? Or, more likely, they approve of its use - but only when you're being nice.]
Particularly, I mentioned that Egmo many times used "off" instead of "of". A quick, but by no means exhaustive, search revealed at least one such example - something Egmo's press department reported it could not find (and why should it, what with it being "professionally proof read"*). Together with six other examples of different typographical errors, I present to you the proof that certainly wasn't read (with helpful page numbers, too):
You dream of, but you do nod off reading this.
Take off your cloths! And your towels!
Nothing witty here, just no full stop, exclamation mark, question mark or anything else to end the sentence before the quotation mark.
Hey kids, how do you end a question? That's right: a question mark! Of course, some circumstances - this included - may even warrant an interrobang.
We in the UK use commas ("3,000") or spaces ("3 000"), sometimes nothing ("3000") and the Europeans even use full stops ("3.000"). No-one, however, uses apostrophes.
Again, following the President's affirmation, there should be some punctuation. But what about this inconsistent capitalisation of "President"?
The top line uses the wrong word ("your" instead of "you're"), but the bottom one gets it right!
Now while these are minor quibbles - especially in an e-book - that is no excuse when the press kit says that the book is "now fronting a major child literacy campaign in conjunction with the London Libraries Development Agency". Sloppy, inexcusable and honestly shocking.
*Interesting, because last time I checked, it was proofreading, with no space. But now I'm just being a bit spiteful.
For those wondering where our video posting Mr. Melaisis has been then I shall now inform you that his internet is down and will be down for a while. Meaning no posts from him until it is fixed.
Though a positive note to take from this is the more work that can be done on super special "Secret Project #411." But more on that later... much later.
CCTV Cameras have been installed to watch over their audiences by Britain's largest cinema chain.
The cameras, which cost £30,000 each, have been installed at several Odeon cinemas across the country, allowing the audience in each screen to be monitored by staff in the foyer.
They have been installed at nine cinemas in major cities, including Glasgow, Birmingham, Manchester and London, and the company plans to install them in all newly built cinemas.
Human rights groups and cinema-goers have expressed their concerns at the introduction of cameras to yet another area of life, with some declaring them an invasion into the audience's privacy.
Liberty, the civil liberties campaign group, has called for Odeon to make every audience member aware that they are being filmed.
Liberty's Policy Officer, Gareth Crossman said: "Film-goers should be informed of the presence of the cameras so that they can go elsewhere if they are unhappy with being filmed themselves."
James Dolan, 26, from Birmingham, who described himself as a regular cinema-goer, said: "I go to the cinema to watch other people be filmed, not to be filmed myself.
"I'm not happy about it. Isn't that why going to the cinema is so fun? So you can have a kiss and a cuddle in the back row. It is a complete infringement of my civil liberties."
Odeon say the cameras are being introduced to allow staff to monitor audience behaviour and prevent crime.
They say that all footage will be destroyed after 31 days, with only suspicious incidents preserved to be used as evidence.
A spokesperson for Odeon said: "Odeon is committed to providing the safest and most enjoyable experience possible for its guests and therefore install CCTV systems in-screen in cinemas where it is deemed necessary.
The camera system and subsequent footage is solely for the safety and security of guests." (Daily Telegraph)
With the Democratic National Convention coming in only a couple of days the anti-war protesters are all ready lining up to, well, protest. Now why this may seem not so bad it turns out that these protesters are crazy as hell. Oh but that doesn't stop the lonely (stupid) Fox News reporter and his cameraman as they venture into the mist of a march, LIVE.
Now while I think the most sensible thing said there was "I'm not going to talk to you" it is just amazing to see Griff Jenkins (what a name) try to spin this off as some kind of negligence of freedom of speech. You see him asking multiple times in the video "Do you believe in freedom of speech?" Is he trying to imply that if they don't talk to him they don't believe in freedom of speech?! I mean, do you realize what they are doing in the first place?! What makes this the best video I've seen in while, is that all of that was live, broadcasting to millions (or thousands) of people in the United States.
We've reached 500 posts! A milestone by anyone's book. I remember our 300 post explaining how we might reach 400 posts before our 2nd birthday, well we've well and truly smashed that. At this pace we'll be at 800-900 by Christmas!
Thank You to everyone who made making these posts worth while.
Stage two of the section I like to call Five for the Future. On today's agenda is the look of the five channels.
Renaming
I've finally decided on the new names for the channels:
-five becomes FIVE
-five US becomes FIVE2 (Pronounced "Five Squared")
-FIVER becomes FIVE3 (Pronounced "Five Cubed")
The reason for the main channel rename is simply "five" is a weak name, whilst "FIVE" has a strong air around it. The problem with "five US" is the name. It limits the content, say Five were to gain rights to Champions League Qualifiers and needed another channel to place it on they would have to place it on female oriented channel "FIVER." And with "FIVER" I renamed it as a clever nod to the style of shows on the channel, 3-dimensional shows like "Extraordinary People" and to the most of the British population "Trisha Goddard." Read this information into the second channel as you will.
What They Could Look Like.
OK, I'm not that good at designing logos, take the Three Rs logo. Definitely lacking. Anyway I'm having a go...
FIVE:
FIVE2:
FIVE3:
Yes, they do suck. But you get the point.
Setanta Sports?
Remember that little merger proposal I brought up on the last Five for the Future? Well I said that I would make Setanta and Five merge. That would mean that all sport on Five would be branded as Setanta. Here's the logo for it's appearance.
Well that was worth it... Let me remind you their are people who are skilled at this thing! Next time I believe is Line-up. Ciao.
(Again I apologise for these rubbish logos, they're just supposed to be the jist of the logo.)
Argh sorry, I know I haven't been posting much, or at all for that matter... There's just been a lot going on like GCSE results and settling a sixth form for 2 weeks' time - all hectic business I can assure you!
That aside; as I was watching TV absent-mindedly today I came accross the X Factor. By the end of the programme I realised amusingly enough that I'd laughed hysterically over more ridiculous 'musical' voices and 'star-quality' characters than I'd actually been impressed by any good voices! And this was a talent competition, again?
See good TV isn't just made of brilliant talent (although that is the obvious aim by the end of the show), but mainly the many arrogant self-deluded personalities that pass our screens for our amusement alone. True, good singers come few and far between nowadays, but I'll bet that you wouldn't be half as entertained by 5 weeks or so of just the good (and mediocre) auditions than you are with these truly... interesting people. And their dance moves, can't forget the dance moves - I saw a church co-ordinator do some right down and dirty choreography today!
In conclusion, if you haven't seen the following video, you haven't lived!
This is definitely the creme de la creme of such programmes.
Thank god for reality TV singing contests. Without it these sorts of talents might never come into the public eye!
PS: that woman's actually got a job in showbusiness now due to that audition. (I'd pay to see if it was singing!)
BREAKING: (not really) A new website is sweeping forum and website avatars everywhere. The website in question is faceyourmanga.com where you can make yourself in manga form. Being the internet enthusiast I decided to check it out. Here is what I found out.
(Above: I look so professional.)
Upon visiting the site I was greeted with a pretty looking flash interface, which is always a plus (unless it lags). So then begins my 5 minute adventure in creating an avatar. The categories ready for changing include, face, eyes, nose, mouth, ears, hairs, clothes, stuff, and background. While all of that is great, it's nothing we haven't seen before. Some of the categories had numerous choices to chose from while some had very few. I feel that if FaceYourManga continues to improve the selection of its categories this might raise the quality of their product to bigger and better levels.
BottomLine: FaceYourManga does a good job at being an avatar creator but does not bring anything "new" to the table.
DragonForce. Say their name and people conjure up images of either Herman Li's hand's moving at a blistering pace on his guitar or Guitar Hero III, in which a nobody's hand's are moving at a blistering pace on a piece of plastic. Off the back of their mainstream success DragonForce release new album Ultra Beatdown. The Three Rs reviews.
Their are many constants in our world, the Sun rising and setting, the air we breath and the sound of DragonForce. Opener Heroes of Our Time does very little in revealing a new DragonForce, instead presenting the old DragonForce. Somehow with a strong sense of nostalgia as if the band has been away for 20+ years, when in fact the gap has only been 2 years. Apparent in the song is the drums, giving the guitars a run for their money in the epic scale. Written for band oriented music rhythm games? Possible.
"Finally all the World Will See." Both the opening of this paragraph and on next track The Fire Still Burns. The sound of The Fire Still Burns is much harsher in sounding than most DragonForce counterparts, before in the later stages return to the bouncy feel of most of their songs.
Most experimental song on the album is Reasons to Live. Beginning with a drumbeat taken from any Metalcore album, which is juxtaposed with a following Mario theme tune sounding keyboard, the song holds strong taking DragonForce into unseen territory. The lyrics do leave a lot to the imagination, as you would expect, but with a guitar solo half way unlike any other in a DragonForce album, quickly realisation happens... This the song to silence the critics.
The blistering pace is stalled somewhat in Heartbreak Armageddon, which sounds like the score to any Hollywood dream scene. Long cords, held until it can't be possible any longer. Adding a Mexican influenced guitar riff later on adds another element to the story these guitars are speaking to the listener, without saying a single word. Don't worry though, the pace is restored to normal before the end!
Any chances of a new sound are dashed with The Last Journey Home which could have been taken from a previous album without anyone knowing. The song embodies the critics problem with these frantic musicians. However they do just redeem themselves with A Flame For Freedom which, though preachy in lyrics, mixes the guitars and drums up enough to sound new.
Inside the Winter Storm leaves me with a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Reminding me of early Avenged Sevenfold, before they're decline to "Pop Metal," but still sounding like a DragonForce. No doubt because of ZP Theart and his epic, over the top voice. They could most likely steal "Stairway to Heaven" stick the line "So Far Away" in somewhere and most people would be thrown, both the curse and blessing of their sound.
And finally the last song of the album, The Warrior Inside. The ending of the album is similar to the beginning. Both sounding typically DragonForce without pushing the speed barrier, instead casually leaning against it and both sounding as if they were written for music rhythm games.
What is evident throughout all the songs on Ultra Beatdown is DragonForce's refusal to divert from their core sound, which in many circles has cause cries of "All Their Songs Sound the Same!" I would say this album provides enough glimmers of a renaissance, but could do with more experimentation before embarking into a new sound.
DragonForce - Ultra Beatdown: 3.5/5 - Solid Album, Strong Enough to Carry on the DragonForce Noise.
Album Picks
-Reasons to Live
-Heartbreak Armageddon
-Inside the Winter Storm
Recently, I've read several books. Darkly Dreaming Dexter was darkly funny and great, though not as good as its TV counterpart. The Doctor Who novel Longest Day was good and had a killer cliffhanger. Stephen King's marathon of a book, The Stand was slow in places but overall generally superb. And now, The Story Of Egmo. Of those four, it's the fourth-best.
Egmo, the book's protagonist, obsessed with Star Trek and The Smashing Pumpkins.
Egmo is an e-book. I've never been a fan of e-books, because of the medium; it's harder to read on an LCD screen for lengthy times than it is ink on paper. However, I persevered with Egmo, having been given the task of reviewing it for The Three Rs. One thing, though: would children, who Egmo is aimed at, have the patience to read through a 138-page PDF?
Egmo, the eponymous protagonist of the book is a bit of a nerd. Oddly, in his picture (above), you can't see his massive brace - which is a major plot point. Alas. He's obsessed with Star Trek and The Smashing Pumpkins, with a soft spot for Dungeons & Dragons. That's as much character development you'll get from Egmo's 138 pages. But it's a children's book, so we're not expecting in-depth characters or anything. We're looking for a fun time. The Cat In The Hat or The Gruffalo or The Very Hungry Catepillar weren't concerned with that stuff, so neither is Egmo. Unfortunately, Egmo isn't concerned with a lot of stuff.
Sense, for one. The plot is a confusing mess which too often diverts into weird tangents. The climax isn't at all climactic, and characters just suddenly betray all we know about them and act in unexpected ways. Despite this being a children's book, this is just odd. And the nonsense doesn't help. For example, Egmo knows all about the evil aliens, because he once saw them in an episode of Star Trek...eh?
It's a sort of sci-fi comedy, but focusing largely on the comedy. The jokes are supposedly "inspired by the timeless silliness of The Goons and Monty Python". But they're nowhere near that level of hilarity. Some jokes made me chuckle - the ending of Chapter 17 and its resolution at the start of Chapter 18 was great - but some also feel really contrived. Kids won't care about that, but they might be a bit baffled by some of the references (Hercule Poirot "did occasionally consult a learned old stoat called 'She-Ra'", for example). The humour has something for just about everyone - but very little for any one person.
The more I read Egmo, the more I became unsure about its target demographic. It's presumably for children - the jokes about bums and poo and naughty bits settle that argument - but some bits clearly aren't. The corrupt policeman who has a dinner with a woman who isn't his wife, for one. The use of the word "bastard", for another. No, really.
But the major thing that annoyed me was the quality of the writing. There were an abundance of typographical errors, bad spellings - the works! Yes, it's an e-book, so probably doesn't have as much proof-reading as a proper published book does, but what excuse is that when the author is apparently spearheading a campaign to get children to read more? That's not going to increase their literacy; it's going to ruin it! The word "off" is never used and when it should be, the word "of" is instead used. It's sloppy work, put simply.
Overall, I didn't really enjoy Egmo. It had its moments, but with its sloppy English and inane plot, you'll get bored before you reach the end. I did, but I went along any way. My advice? Stay away from The Story Of Egmo - or at least play "spot the written errors" and rack up dozens of points.
UPDATE (27/08/08): Egmo's press office sent The Three Rs an email, regarding my criticism of the standard of English present in the e-book. My public response to them is available here. However, they did point out that I was being just a bit ignorant; "bastard file" is apparently a proper type of file, so they weren't blaspheming at all. Apologies.
Well, I started my first day of school today, 3 days delayed might I add. (On account of a hurricane, namely Fay) Because of my Gears of War addiction I was continuously relating things to it. If somebody I liked bent over, I would pick them up. If somebody I didn't like bent over, I had to force myself to refrain from Curb Stomping. Well, after awhile, I came back down to Earth and got through the rest of the day without the urge to preform a headshot on my teachers. And now I'm at my house, sitting at home, typing up this blog post. But, I'm starting to run on due to boredom, maybe I'll go off and play... can you guess? Yup, that's right, Halo 3. Have a nice day :D
...Always picks a terrible time to strike. For example, after just one week of writing for the Three Rs. Not to worry, I'm sure I can cobble something together on the spot, rather than disappoint you all by keeping silent. By the way, this is (or was) Flosh, who first appeared here this time last week. I'll now be adopting the more interesting name of "The Hashpipe of Doom" - a more fitting alter ego, and a more original name in general, given that the moniker "Flosh" was in fact stolen from a complete stranger.
I'm not the most fanatic of Olympic supporters, but with the constant coverage, it's difficult not to know that we are currently sat around third place in the medals table, following a string of incredibly unlikely victories in events that I wasn't even sure we were competing in. We've had boxers, cyclists, sailors and swimmers alike lifting medals in the name of our nation this year. But just to take the shine away from our team - or any other country's teams - Michael Phelps went and bagged himself a world record for most medals attained by one man at an Olympic Games. He's got fourteen or so I think, give or take a few. But with all that, one can only ask themselves - what's so special about an Olympic medal when you have fourteen of them? An olympic medal is supposed to show how you battled against the world and walked away with a gleaming medallion to show for it - when Phelps walks away with fourteen, it completely erases all the emotion and pride associated with them. He can afford to use gold medals as place mats now. Whilst I respect his achievement and admire his ability, I can't help but feel that he's the person who wiped the shine away from the Olympics.
Wow. I cobbled that together fast. Let's see if I can continue with this line of thought... Olympics... BBC... Television... The Secret Millionaire! I watched that show last night, and was quite literally stunned. The man claims to be one of those who "made his own money" - yet it's all too clear that he's had things done for him his entire life. He was genuinely astounded that he was given a bag of carrots to peel, remarking - "Aren't they peeled?" How divorced from reality must you be in order to think bags of carrots came without the skin on them? Then he admitted he was prejudiced against disabled people, before breaking down and saying he was disgusted in himself for living such a lavish lifestyle whilst these people lived in poverty. But I bet my left leg that now he's given a million pounds to some needy cause (I didn't bother watching the end of it), he won't give another penny to the other luckless people he might - those that have probably died of starvation and illness since the show was taped. I despise those incredibly wealthy people who act all kind but, at the end of the day, prove themselves to be hypocritical arseholes. Secret Millionaire only proves how little the rich deserve their money. This guy was an idiot, openly admitted being prejudiced against the very people we was supposed to help, and made me sick.
Alright... Secret Millionaire... Channel 4... Big Brother... Awesome, let's go with that. I'll keep it simple - Big Brother gets worse year by year. I should be put in charge of the show, I'd save the ratings. My first act would be to put one person in the house, completely seal it off from the outside world leaving no means of escape, and send home the Big Brother voicing staff. The nation can watch as one smug wannabe sits alone week on week, growing increasingly paranoid, before eventually going completely insane. Or, if the UN objects on the grounds of Human Rights, we merely change the format slightly - Big Dungeon. The aim is to see who can last the longest shackled in the corner with no food, and just a daily bowl of stagnant water. Or better still - just axe the show. If they can't do something to make it worth watching again, it's just not worth it. Last week, I quizzed several people on the last three winners of the show - Anthony, Pete, and Brian. They could all name Anthony as a winner. A couple were able to recall Pete. Not one of them could remember Brian, and he was the most recent "winner" (making the viewers losers). Does that not speak volumes?
I think that'll do. Not bad for someone struggling with writers block when he started writing.
Oh... and Good luck to everyone awaiting tomorrow's GCSE results.
It's been a long time coming but finally Slipknot return to front of the music scene with their latest offering All Hope is Gone. The Three Rs reviews the promising album.
Far distant screeching of guitars and vocal cords begin the album. Execute's noise creeping closer, building intensity, gaining pace and growing volume until exploding onto the 2nd track Gematria (The Killing Name). Gematria is a politically charged anthem, crammed with quotes from speeches and thought provoking questions. Asking "America... What if God doesn't care?"
The relentlessness of the opening is calmed by Sulfur, which wouldn't go wrong on a Stone Sour album. The fade out of slow Sulfur is met with the speed of the typically Slipknot sounding Psychosocial. I have no doubt Psychosocial will join the likes of Wait & Bleed, Duality and Before I Forget as Slipknot songs which have broken into the mainstream without losing the hard edge which makes Slipknot. It's complexity is it's simplicity.
The influence of Metallica's Enter Sandman is very evident in Dead Memories, having both a similar riff and song structure. In the second half, though, the masked veteran's trademark guitar onslaught appears. Alan Moore's V would love the surprising upbeat nature of Vendetta, asking questions like "Are You Ready for the Time of Your Life?" Managing to highlight the main theme of the album; "Slipknot Are Back and Better Than Ever." The band have not needed to change anything and somehow still sound fresh.
The album continues with Butcher's Hook, incredibly allowing all nine members a chance to have the limelight which with it's catchy chorus confirms this song as the best in the album thus far. Following the likes of Butcher's Hook with speed could only be done in a DragonForce album, so Slipknot take the chance to slow the pace with the experimental Gehenna.
"TRY TO STOP ME IF YOU CAN!" screams lead singer Corey Taylor in This Cold Black. The song is arguably the strongest on the album, containing a top notch guitar solo, athemic lyrics and a drum track which begs the question: How many drum kits does Joey Jordison go through? If his drum kit hasn't broken, then after Wherein Lies Continue it's going to be in pieces. Although the constant smashing of the drums are relaxed in Vermilion sound alike Snuff.
The album finishes with it's title track, All Hope is Gone. First released in June, the song promised fans this album would be even more noise that sounds like Slipknot. The song is so typically Slipknot that you could guess the band within the first note of the song. Which, in this case, is a good thing as the song is perfect. It sums up Slipknot's work and leaves you yearning for more.
Fans and critics alike had waited 4 years for Slipknot to produce new material, but the wait was worth it. The album is getting rave reviews from the mainstream to the underground and from the void in between, us included. If we have to wait another 4 years for more material we are sure it will be worth it.
Slipknot - All Hope Is Gone: 5/5 - Takes the heaviness of Iowa and melody of The Subliminal Verses and mashes it together. Slipknot Live Review
Nintendo WAS facing a 21 million dollar lawsuit for copyright infringement on their Wii Classic Controllers, WaveBird Controllers, and Gamecube controllers. Well, since they didn't want to spend the 21 million dollars (quitters >.>) they have decided to discontinue sales on all of these types of controllers. Anascape (the plaintiff) seems to like filing lawsuits, because they also claimed that the XBOX 360 controller was infringing on copyright. Stupid? I think so.
Well, I don't know if you have heard of the internet phenomenon that is "Explosm.net" but, for the last 3 years, they have been releasing extremely funny, daily webcomics. Such as this one: Well, just the other day, I was browsing around the old neighbourhood when I found out that Explosm has started to release Flash cartoons. Ranging in plot from pure sillyness -as highlighted in their 4th Flash; "I Love Noodles"- to satirizing tragedies -as highlighted in their 10th Flash; "I'm Sailing Away".
(CNN) -- Two masked and machete-wielding men who barged into a club in Sydney, Australia, couldn't have picked a worse night for their robbery -- a monthly meeting of bikers. The robbers chose the wrong night to burst into the club where the Southern Cross Cruiser Club have their monthly meeting.
About 50 burly bikers fought back with tables and chairs -- pretty much anything that wasn't bolted down. One would-be robber was tied up; the other in the hospital.
Police arrested both.
"These guys were absolutely dumb as bricks," Jerry Vancornewal, leader of the bikers, told CNN Thursday. "I can't believe they saw all the bikes parked up front and they were so stupid that they walked past in."
Vancornewal and his buddies were at the Regents Park Sporting and Community Club in Sydney when the two men wearing ski masks stormed in Wednesday night. They yelled at patrons to drop to the floor as they emptied cash registers at the bar.
Hearing the commotion from an adjacent room, Vancornewal and his pals with the Southern Cross Cruiser motorcycle club stomped through to the bar area to intervene.
"They (the robbers) thought they had the upper advantage with their knives and their machetes," Jim Webb, night supervisor of the club, told CNN. "They didn't expect to run into a bunch of guys carrying chairs and tables."
One of the would-be robbers crashed through a plate-glass door and jumped off a balcony.
"All he had to do was push the button and it automatically opened," Webb quipped.
New South Wales police said they arrested the 20-year-old man a short distance away.
The second man made a break for it through the club's service entrance, but the bikers tackled him near a neighbor's fence.
"We just grabbed him, crash-tackled him to the ground, hogtied him with electrical wire and left him for the cops," Vancornewal said.
Police confirmed in a statement that club patrons subdued the second man until officers arrived, but did not provide additional details. The suspect turned out to be a 16-year-old boy.
Both would-be robbers were charged with attempted armed robbery and "face disguised with intent to commit indictable offense," police said.
A third person, who was waiting in a getaway car, took off when the bikers threw pieces of furniture at him, Webb said. Police have not located him.
The Regents Park Sporting and Community Club is a place where locals come to enjoy drinks and take part in various games: cricket, soccer, lawn bowling. The biking enthusiasts meet there once a month to plan rides and other club activities.
In the last year or so, criminals have struck the club about 10 times, Webb said. And Wednesday night's incident, while unusual, wasn't the most memorable.
"We have these old bingo players and they are really serious about their games," Webb explained. "They do not like to be interrupted."
When robbers barged in one evening and announced that they were holding up the place, the players turned around and testily told them to be quiet.
"They were making it difficult for the players to hear the numbers being called," Webb said.
I don't even know why I'm making this post. Do you seriously need convincing that spiders are scary? The amount of fear that instills in me after seeing one of those creatures hover above my head is substantial.
When you are as scared of spiders as I am you start to think of these totally random scenarios. Like take for instance; "You open an old shed door and peer silently inside, not knowing what awaits you. Once you start lurching inside it spiders suddenly show up everywhere, just out of the blue!"
Ok maybe that was a little extreme but seriously, if you don't think spiders are scary at all I would like you to just imagine me tieing you to a bed below these things. (above: I thought it was going to fall on top of the camera at the end.)
David over at Giant Realm showed me this the other day. At first, I thought I'd hate it. Then the girl started singing and she was hot and I got entranced and... yeah. See what you think, you mediocre scenesters!
Welcome to stage one of my "Five for the Future" plan. Today will be all about Acquisitions. Now I'm stupid enough to go "Ere, U shud lik bear get Lost, Prison Break, Heroes n' 24" This is more realistic, on a budget, so to speak. I will cover all three channels of Five with my acquisitions.
Exclusive Acquisitions
-House: Terrestrial rights already owned but exclusive rights are really needed from Hallmark. -Big Bang Theory: Popular show. Channel 4 will fight hard to keep the show but it's very possible to obtain. -Scrubs: Coming to it's end in America. No doubt Channel 4 will try to flog it. -Everybody Hates Chris: If it's to be a major hit on Five, it needs to claw the show back from Viacom who are raping the show dry. -Private Practice: Grey's Anatomy is too much to make exclusive but the spin-off will no doubt be a hit. And the Official "Worth a Punt"... -Friends: Guaranteed viewers. The show will last forever. And with a new movie strongly rumoured new life will be pumped into the show.
Five Only Acquisitions
-Summer Heights High/The Nominees: Australian comedy on BBC Three would be perfect for any main channel but possibly BBC two has the rights. -Dexter: ITV1 timed it out of the market, so I have no fear in acquiring the show. -FIFA World Cup: Big ask, but guaranteed viewers. Possibly won't be able to out muscle the BBC but definitely can give ITV a run for it's money. -American Dad! Family Guy & The Cleveland Show: The Black Sheep of Terrestrial TV... Why? Timeslot. 12am is not good enough BBC. And the Official "Worth a Punt"... -UEFA Champions League: But I'll come back to this later on in the post...
Five Digital Channels Only Acquisitions
-Law & Order: To complement the various spin-offs. -UEFA Cup: It won't go down well on Fiver... -Rugby Super League: Friday Nights are done. And the Official "Worth a Punt"... -Lost in 2.0: Trust Me.
The Whirlwind Super Acquisition
Here is the super acquisition. OK, I'll admit it's less of an acquisition and more of a merger. Setanta Sports. If Five were to merge with Setanta Sports could you imagine the empire it would create? Terrestrial presence, strong hand in both the sports and entertainment scene and two strong brands in the public eye. The sport I've talked about above could be complimented by combined bids with Setanta. So not only would Five's fight against ITV and the BBC be won but also Setanta's fight against Sky.
That concludes today's post. Can you see how I'm going to save Five? I think a theme is appearing.
A substantial amount of my posts are TV related. In my dreams many have been to own a TV channel. Just like Mr. Richard Branson. (No, he does not own Virgin1.) One channel more than any is one I've always wanted. A channel that's proven it's self in the past but is in something of a decline as of now. This channel is...
"Channel 5? Really? It's shit!" That is arguable. But it's the perfect challenge. 5th best position in the British Television listings by law and with 2 digital channels. One, Five US, successful and often producing strong ratings. The other, Fiver, recently rebranded to create a larger share and rapidly growing.
In the past I've have taken this sort of challenge very, well, boringly. All I've produced is a line up for 7pm-12pm and that's it. But this time I'm thinking bigger. Line ups will be included but I'm thinking On-demand, website, advertising etc for all three channels. Who knows I might even add another channel. No, I'm not going to do that, too much work.
This is a long term project not just a one off. But as with my other long term projects, I will make sure each post can hold it's own instead of needing another post to get you up to speed. Sunday will be the beginning of my start as (Fictional) Manger of Five.
Until then, Ciao.
(By the way this is the 486th post on the Three Rs! Happy 486th Post!)
The most popular games online are Call of Duty 4 and Halo 3. You know that, I know that, everyone knows that.
So what happens to the lesser known games as time marches on and the smaller games are squeezed off the shelves? Do the communities live on? Do the hardcore refuse to let go? Do newcomers to Xbox Live wander into empty lobbies and try to figure out why nothing is working?
We take a handful of older games in the office and give them a whirl online, to see what's left of the original communities...
Case 1. SMACKDOWN VS RAW
TIME PLAYED: 30 MINUTES
TOTAL PLAYERS: 14
Yes, people still play SmackDown online, people like THEBOSS6976. "What are the controls, mate?" he asked as The Big Show was getting his head slammed into the cage wall. "I only just got this today."
We explained, then asked why he didn't get Halo 3. "I bought Medal of Honor: Airborne instead. It's really good online." Cue silence. "Cheers for the game, mate. I have to go now." Yes. Yes, you do.
Case 2. FIFA 06: ROAD TO THE WORLD CUP
TIME PLAYED: 30 MINUTES
TOTAL PLAYERS: 1
Suggested as a joke, we decided to fire it up so we'd have a lobby going in the background while we're working. Then it happened. Jamoun Da Don walked into our lobby, dazed and confused like the last two years in gaming never happened. Never mind the fact that this is 2008, Jamoun Da Don is still on the road to the 2006 World Cup.
One day, he will get there! But until he learns how to select his team in the lobby rather than just sitting there until we quit out of boredom, that day is a long way away.
Case 3. F.E.A.R.
TIME PLAYED: 20 MINUTES
TOTAL PLAYERS: 8
After F.E.A.R. was released, it was left to fend for itself against the likes of Gears of War and Rainbow Six Vegas. Its spirit was quickly crushed and the online community drifted away like crisp packets in the wind, with the free maps that came many months later the equivalent of giving an old corpse CPR while keeping your fingers crossed that everything will work out fine.
This is evident in its online community today. No one is playing the new modes. No one cares about the new maps. It's a select bunch of hardcore gamers playing a creaking old PC title and laughing in the face of change.
Case 4. BRIAN LARA INTERNATIONAL CRICKET
TIME PLAYED: 1 HOUR
TOTAL PLAYERS: 1
Not so much the story of waiting an hour to play but of the cricket genius who turned up. Proof that the hardcore just refuse to move on. Bowlestown played Halo 3 minutes before running back to the Brian Lara servers and into our lobby. Going by the way he was smashing everything for a six, you get the impression he was the only person left online playing it.
The pad was passed around the office to take turns to bowl him out but no one could topple him. Afterwards we asked how he managed to get so good. "Practice," he says. "You gotta take catches." Someone tell the England team!
Case 5. TENCHU Z
TIME PLAYED: 30 MINUTES
TOTAL PLAYERS: 8
Somehow, some way, Tenchu Z has to find a way of surviving in the harsh climes of Xbox Live. No one's quite sure how a mediocre stealth game made of about ten polygons has managed to find appeal but find appeal it has, attracting confused ninjas such as TAKEONEG who spent the entire match screaming "NOOO!" and HALO3 Warrior, who hasn't been told that, you know, Halo 3 is out now.
It was surprisingly enjoyable too. Seeing everyone's customised ninjas was almost as fun as co-ordinating attacks. Still, Halo 3... Tenchu Z... not the toughest choice you'll ever make.
Case 6. WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP POKER
TIME PLAYED: 10 MINUTES
TOTAL PLAYERS: 14
You'd think that Texas Hold 'Em would have been dominant given that it's free. Yet World Championship Poker somehow clings to life by scraping the bottom of the Xbox Live barrel.
Men pretending to be women, women miaowing like cats and Americans with mullets slobbing out in front of their Vision Cam in little more than a stained tank top, a rifle on the dresser in the background. This experiment doesn't last long when we enter one lobby only to hear a conversation end with the words
"...my sister or I'll go to jail." Quick! Abort! Abort!
And the rest...
BLITZ THE LEAGUE
We waited. And waited. No one plays Blitz The League anymore and after listening to the in-game nu-metal, we threw in the towel. Call the coroner. This one is dead.
DEAD OR ALIVE XTREME 2
No one in the world is playing, so run your avatar around your desert island lobby, with nothing but the sound of the waves and your own tears breaking the lonely silence.
MARVEL ULTIMATE ALLIANCE
Search for games. No games found. Would you like to create a match? Create match. Wait an hour. Alamann turns up, plays the first level with us, then quits. Bye, then.
WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SNOOKER 2007
The lobby was set up and we were dozing off when a guy called JackalGiblets stumbled in. Bored into a stupor, we forgot how to start the match and JackalGiblets left in a huff seconds after entering. Then nothing.
It's like playing the Wii online on any game other than Super Smash Bros. Brawl or Mario Kart Wii.
As you read this, I'll be on holiday. That's clever technology, that. I can write it way beforehand and schedule it to be automatically posted that day, even though I'll be in some remote place that I can't pronounce the name of where computers are condemned as witchcraft. Instead of writing some new rant, I thought I'd dip into my personal archives. But while I love post-scheduling, it would seem that when I wrote this article - about ten months ago - I really didn't love the technology of MP3 players...
MP3 players are quickly becoming the new penis. If you're with a group of (male) friends, and you start chatting about music, the conversation will likely sway towards MP3 players. "Ah," says one friend, "mine is twenty gigabytes and the size of a tooth!" It's impressive because its memory is big, but its physical size is so small, you're liable to swallow it. "I was there first!" declares your second friend, reaching for his pocket to pull out his MP3 player. "It's a first-generation iPod!" Wow, it's got a small memory and can be used to build a house but it's "the greatest because it was the first".
Recent MP3 players beat them all, though, because they can do so many things. You can make a to-do list, watch films and play Minesweeper or some other basic game. If I was particularly bothered about owning an MP3 player, I'd want one that played music and could hold enough songs. I have no need for a billion songs, organised alphabetically the second letter of the artist's name. Nor do I particularly require Solitaire, unless I'm in desperate need of a visualisation of Ace of Spades, which happens very rarely. Sometimes, though, the makers sacrifice physical size for new, 'exciting' features, like easily smudged touch screens. My ideal MP3 player would be just that.
And of course, MP3 is the future: it's digital. Clever old Sony, though, have taken their classic Walkman brand and stuck the label onto MP3 players. That's clever marketing, boys. These new Walkmans are essentially nothing like the old Walkmans, they're just iPods with different covers. But what does that different cover mean? Usually, it means that you can now only get music by visiting that company's digital shop or break a dozen laws by firing up Limewire. Sony's digital music shop will let you use these tracks on Walkmans, Apple's iTunes shop lets you put tracks on your iPod and nowhere else. By choosing the most colourful thing in the shop, you've now locked yourself into one retailer, and that's not good at all.
Not that it matters because sooner or later (likely sooner), the damned thing will be outdated and/or broken anyway. That's when we'll get the new technology of MP72s. Although, I'm told, an MP72 is a type of gun. No doubt some clever spark will realise that this is actually a great business opportunity: MP3 guns, or gunPods, if you like. Imagine it: you licence music-playing guns to the army and you're sorted for life! Sadly, the technophobic general accidentally puts his playlist of songs onto every gunPod in the army and the soldiers must attack the enemy with Barbie Girl thumping in their ears. Maybe that would spur them on more, though? But then, of course, newer gunPods will be made, and yet again, they'll become penises once more. Is your gunPod capable of firing 100 rounds per second, holding five million songs and packaged with stylish headphones? No? Ah, yours is the latest model which can kill from a kilometre away and folds up into the shape of a shoe.
It's that time of year. Summer. The time when thousands of Britons flock to distant havens for a few warm weeks of soaking up some sun. Some of us have been and gone, some are preparing to leave, and some of us, of course, are already on the beaches. One of the greatest things about foreign holidays is the painfully cringe-worthy process of getting there. Sometimes you'll get lucky, pick the perfect day to fly, and land in the midst of a heatwave without a hitch. Sometimes, however, things do not go quite so well.
As was the case with my recent fortnight on the volcanic paradise of Lanzarote. Quite why an airline operating under the moniker of "Air Malta" runs flights from Manchester to Arrecife is still a question mark, but, without delving too deep into things, they do. I flew with them - if you class it as "flying". They assert that is what happened, but I prefer to liken it more to a hostage taking. The supposedly simple process of checking in - an act that should, in theory, take mere minutes - can take hours when the staff choose not to turn up. I assume that should go without saying, but I also used to assume that airport staff understood the importance of attending their jobs. I'll concede that turning up in the early hours of the morning to haul suitcases around doesn't sound the most tempting prospect, and certainly wouldn't have me in the best of moods either. But for my paycheck, I'd do it. As such, I sincerely hope the offending parties in this 'incident' did not receive theirs. Though I am left doubtless that, for whatever reasons, they did.
Air Malta didn't cut short our experience either. They went the whole distance, from delaying our luggage for hours, to redirecting us to different terminals at the last second, and even taking the special time to make up a series of brazenly fabricated excuses in order to stop us uncovering quite why they refused to fly on time (or any time even close to our scheduled departure). An equally delayed return flight that stopped off in Faro, Portugal, didn't do much from a public relations standpoint either. The official excuse for this detour was given as "taking off against the wind". The fact that fuel is much cheaper in Portugal clearly had little to do with it. The combined flight times, and the set backs and balls ups that surrounded them, probably wasted a whole day - or thereabouts - of my life. A day that I won't get back when I die. Which leads me to the point of the last three paragraphs - don't fly with airlines with "Malta" in their name, unless you intend to travel to or from Malta. I made that mistake, and I'll be damned if I ever make it again.
With that depressing analogy out of the way, I'd like to lighten the mood slightly - by giving a mention to the Beijing Olympics. Where, upon my last check, we sat in a promising 7th place in the medals table. All in all, I think the British Olympians have done a remarkable job so far. Last time the Olympics rolled around, we had to wait roughly a week to touch Gold - we currently hold several, and the competition has barely begun. If that isn't something for a nation locked in political frustration with a slowly sinking economy to be proud of, I defy you to find something that is. One particular hopefully that never seems to leave the pages of the Daily Mirror is the 14 year old diving "sensation", Tom Daley. I assure you, I do not normally read The Mirror... But every time I catch a glimpse of it, I can't help but note how much emphasis they seem to put upon him as the future of our country. I also can't help but think how foolish it is to make such a big deal out of him. And, as expected, he and his lesser known partner Blake Aldridge bombed - in the negative sense - during the 10m synchronised diving event.
To load all those expectations upon the shoulders of someone his age just goes to show you how desperate this country is becoming in our search of someone to idolise. I by no means doubt the abundance of ability Daley possesses, but how much can you truly expect from him? Everything, if you happen to be the editor of a tabloid newspaper. I wish him luck in the individual 10m dive, where he needn't carry the weight of a 26 year old man with the maturity of someone his age in months. But in the meanwhile, we have some genuine heroes arising from these Olympics. What about Cooke, or Adlington? They've both achieved Gold medals already, the latter in truly magnificent style.
Summer is indeed a funny time. Not least when it falls alongside the Olympic Games, a staple of humanity's hopes for hundreds of years. Whether you're feeling blue, seeing red, enjoying green, or tasting gold - make the most of it. In another month's time, the weather will be as pathetic as ever, and we'll all be moaning and bitter again. Enjoy it whilst it's around.
My post today is all about the topic of Lenny Kravitz. Or should that be the rumour of Lenny Kravitz joining supergroup Velvet Revolver. Hence the penis joke for a post title, as let's face it... Everyone on the internet loves a penis joke.
Anyway the story with this post is this:
Lenny Kravitz has reportedly agreed to replace Scott Weiland as the singer in Velvet Revolver. According to The Sun, Kravitz was "spotted in the studio" with the American rockers during recent weeks. The singer teamed up with Revolver guitarist Slash in 1991 on his solo LP Mama Said. "The band wanted a big name who could easily hold his own and reckon Lenny is just the man for the job," said a source. Earlier this week, Velvet Revolver denied rumours that Spacehog's Royston Langdon was joining the band. Kravitz is scheduled to play on the Main Stage at this weekend's V Festival. From Digital Spy.
The smooth maestro of rock, adored by audiences for erm, well, being him. In America this man can do no wrong at all. So it would seem him, Slash, Duff and the other one would make Velvet Revolver hit that top level the Scott Weiland fronted Revlover missed.
But would this work... really? Kravitz has the voice and charisma to front a band like Revolver and I'm sure it would be a worldwide sensation. I can't help but think the problem with this arrangement is the ego of Mr. Kravitz. Lenny in a band would need to be him and him only. A bunch of nobodies as band mates. He needs the attention.
However I would like to think it wou-
Lenny Kravitz has denied rumours that he will be taking over vocalist duties for Velvet Revolver. The singer, who is currently touring Europe, admitted that he is close friends with the group, but rubbished reports he is replacing Scott Weiland. "I know and love the Velvet Revolver guys but there is no truth to the story about me joining their band," he said in a statement. From Digital Spy.
Its been ages since I tried a sort of 'Agony Uncle' approach to other peoples' problems, so I thought I'd share something I slapped up on the World of Warcraft Europe forums a while ago with you guys; its my reply to a thread which featured a very desperate singleton desiring a bit more action in his life. Read at your own peril:
Prodigyrulzz: Something really odd is happening to me and it started like a few years ago. Every girl that i fall for or i like her and i am trying to go talk to her ends up by rejecting me , making fun of me or ignoring me.
In the last 3 years it happened like this with over 15 girls, and yesterday just happened again. Tbh, i didn't feel any anger or sadness yesteday , but more like frustration because i was like rewinding again the same moments.
Don't know really what to think anymore , or what to do , i am thinking to stop meeting girls for several months and think about what the hell i am doing wrong because i tried every kind of approach i could possibly think of and the answer was alwayz no
And the irony is that for a few years a girl that i really really don't like at al by any means is always trying to get my attention and is like in those comedies where you simply can't get away from it . So the things atm are pretty messed up, and i don't know what should i do more . I was thinking that in those months to start to go to gym a lot like daily and probably have more chances but something else i really don't know what to do, it would be nice if i could get some oppinions about this problem i had and maybe some answers
My reply: Guy, you got a bad case of the Lost Loveitus, but luckily, Doctor Melaisis is in the H-O-U-... well, you get the picture.
First off, get off of that thang!
Secondly, you like the Prodigy!? THE PRODIGY!? Are we in 2008 or 1993!? Do you go out every night to abandoned warehouses with 1000 other hyped-up idiots to blast funky techno-electro-beats using the stereo system in the back of some token black guy's van whilst attempting to slip date-rape drugs into peoples' drinks that they brewed themselves and already contain a damn cocktail of illegal ingredients!? No!? You sit at home and play World of Warcraft!? Wait, you don't even play Warcraft; just loiter around on the forums and whine about your love life to complete strangers!? What!? I ain't digging those vibes, brother. Where's your soul!? Did you loose it to some sort of vampiric entity on the walk home from homework club!? You don't go to homework club?! Well, maybe if you did you'd meet some new damn people!
Oh, hang on, I had a point somewhere.
Er... get a new music taste and grow a new set of balls! Whilst at it, go out onto some slinky new scene. Obviously the hoes you getting down with ain't cracked up to what you thought they were digging you with, so just hit up some rad new play area and be done with it, down.
Thirdly!
Take on some responsibility, brother. Join a nice guild. Get yourself an epic mount. Hell, even attend some raids or go see a dodgy two-and-a-half-hour over-hyped superhero movie once in a while, eh? Sometimes, sometimes, good things come to those who wait. That's probably a load of bullshit originating from the oldest procrastinating bastards on the planet, but its better than getting all flustered and frustrated over such an awkward situation. It only makes you look worse for wear.
Four... th... ly...
Be careful when you make your final move, brother. Play it smooth, like a racing snake in the World Championships. Sure, some girls like to be chased, but if you're acting like a dog around a track then maybe you should reconsider your position. The same goes for the simple opinion that some girls like it when the guy acts a little 'hard-to-get', sure, you may be playing the cold front, but if penguins start immigrating to sit on your head, then consider warming up a bit to a girl, y'know? Take it E-Z, but still flirt. Although you may want the poon like Smokey wants the Bandit, it ain't gonna magically appear to you any quicker if you get desperate and show it. If she gets away, so what? Right? Right!?
Fifthly:
When it comes to admitting your true feelings, finally showing your Lauper side, then do it either somewhere really romantic and in the right place and time, or blurt it out when the both of you are sufficiently drunk (by 'sufficiently' I mean 'you can't form sentences with grammar', although you seem to already be at that stage). Pick somewhere nice; an empty garden in the middle of a party, the bus stop, after a gig where you've both pretended to enjoy some shitty indie band you're convinced the other likes. Of course, it helps if there's no one else around, especially mutual, awkward friends or rivals. Although the latter can provide amusing reactions if all goes to plan (ranging from taking a swing at you to storming off), but you may be put off with the presence of competition so close.
Sixth:
The rejection. So, if everything doesn't go to plan, then come back on these forums and scream at me.
Other Suggestions:
Turn gay. Attend speed dating. Get a job.
I prescribe a healthy dose of realism and relaxation until the end of the week!
A new Russian law could make being an emo kid illegal in the eastern European country.
Legislation is currenting being formulated in Russia to heavily regulate emo websites and ban emo and goth dress style in schools and government buildings.
The new laws are apparently being driven by fears that these "dangerous teen trends" encourage depression and suicide.
The legislation was presented last month at a hearing held by the State Durma, where critics claimed that the "negative" emo culture encourages anti-social behaviour and glorifies suicide.
Emo kids were described as teenagers who wear black, have facial piercings and black hair with fringes that "cover half the face", reports The Guardian
The weekend saw mass protests by Russian emo kids.
In Krasnoyarsk, Siberia, where laws are already being implemented, protestors in a march held signs saying "A Totalitarian State Encourages Stupidity".
Dmitry Gilevich of Russian emo band MAIO stepped in backing the protests, saying: "Expressing psychological emotions is not forbidden by law."
However, emo critics remain unconvinced.
Alexander Grishunin, an adviser to bill sponsor Yevgeny Yuryev, described a ban as necessary, stating: "This is the first step in the public discourse."
When I first started gaming at a young age I fancied the idea of there being a "Major League Gaming". But now that the MLG and various other knock-offs have gotten semi-popular I must say that I absolutely hate anything televised that has to do with gaming.
Let me begin this rant by saying that I am very good at video games, you could say I have a natural talent, but I am now where near pro. But you see, there lies a problem. Too many people these days think they're pro at video games. It just drives me fucking insane when I see some douchebag say that he's better than me at Halo just because one of the guys in his clan played in an MLG match once and I beat him all the time. Oh great, you beat this one guy a couple of times, well you know what? Good for you.
Ok I will admit that this has almost nothing to do with the MLG, it was just a personal rant, sorry. But back on to the real topic. Why Ithink that gaming should not be a sport is not because of the MLG, but the fact that gaming is not ready yet. My proof, all the MLG uses in terms of FPS games is Halo 3. Halo 3 is simply not balanced enough for competitive gaming, in fact, no game is balanced enough. I mean, it seems like every single gaming tournament I see televised are the ones with, DOA4, Halo 3, CounterStrike, Unreal Tournament, or some Madden game.
Well, in short (if you have been confused this whole time due to my angry typing) I don't think gaming is ready to become a sport yet because it is too imbalanced, not standardized. If they can figure out how to do that (and not have us under a one console dictatorship) than I will be happy. Subscribe to posts?
Time to talk about some of the wierder musical items in my amazingly diverse collection. I've brought you Prince, which from a man who likes his metal is kind of odd. Then we have an atmospheric chugging epic doom metal classic Dopesmoker (epic due to length as well as scope of sound, and as its metal less odd admittedly). Yet now, an experimental cacophony from a man who many with knowledge of music regard (rightly so) as a genius. Voice as versatile and smooth as potting clay, and like potting clay, can be sculpted so skillfully by the man that his final creations are masterpieces simply founded by his vocals. This avant garde wonder is a testament to his creativity, his imagination and his mastery of soundcraft.
This man is Mike Patton. Few will know who he is. The ones that do will probably speak highly of him. He was the frontman for Faith No More (that band that do 'Epic' on Rock Band to the less aware). Faith No More did themselves end up to be rather an experimental outfit due to his influence. Another project of his known as Mr Bungle further highlighted his gift for unorthodox yet impressive and strangely coherent compositions. But this venture of his is just stretching music to its utter most boundaries, almost escaping from the confines upon which music is judged, categorised and deemed as music. The bands name is suitably mysterious (Fantomas) yet its band members are not. Lombardo of Slayer, Dunn of Mr Bungle and Osbourne of the Melvins join as a supergroup. And yet not the sort of supergroup that in the vein of Velvet Revolver, revel in the success of their glory days and try to remake the same music they did at their respective peaks, resting on the laurels of past success and relying on that in order to persuade people that the music they are making is worthy of a title 'supergroup'.
No, this supergroup is more understated, supergroup in lower case only rather than capitalised, emboldened and underlined. They are a supergroup in the way they combine their respective imaginations, rather than their respective reputation to the table and create totally original post modern music. Take for example their other albums. One concept album based upon the idea of a comic book, each page heralded with a different snippet of audio accompaniment. Another, a cover album of film and television programme based themes and compositions, like the main theme of Rosemary's Baby. Additionally a more recent album detailing a calendar of a single month, and again pieces of music for each day with visual artbook included to guide the listener into the thought behind the music. Clearly it can be seen that there is no place for groups like this in the mainstream, but then again thats exactly why, because the mainstream can't appreciate much more than basic, simplistic melody which fair enough a lot of the time is all thats required, but if you're looking for a challenging listen much like an old classic novel, then delve, have patience and you are rewarded accordingly.
Delirium Cordia is a perfect example of this. One of the most original concepts ever concieved with which to base an album upon, the idea behind this cacophonous oddity is an experience based within an operation theatre, the feelings and thoughts people associate with it explored via music and sound. Lasting at over 70 minutes, challenging is exactly what it is but if your mind is opened and you listen without focus, the emitted sound seems to instil within you via sound waves a sense of atmosphere and feeling rarely created accurately through music and instruments alone.
I think we can all gather than many geeks and nerds have spent many of night fretting over which one they think is better; Star Wars or Star Trek. OK, I concede. It's not "many geeks" it's all geeks. So I guess this is when I tell you which one I think is better. Well I am. Star Trek is the Ewok killing super king. So instead of the generic balanced argument, this will be indeed a Trek affair.
Dem Der Fancy Flying Machines.
Star Wars has the Millennium Falcon and the X-wing. But what does Star Trek have? The USS Enterprise NCC-1701. Yes, I understand that the Millennium Falcon and the X-wing are seen as iconic images that will never die but please be real. The shape of the Millennium Falcon would render the ship useless, when the engines ignite the ship would ship around as opposed to forward propulsion. It's like strapping a Chinese firework onto a frisbee. The X-Wing is a well designed ship, straight from the world of any Hollywood dystopia. So I've got no trouble there. However what the NCC-1701 brings to the table is not only iconography but also believability in the context of real life. The ship has two separate engines (Or at least to two different outputs for the same engine,) so in theory propulsion should remain in a forwards direction. And with the USS Enterprise you also get it's various successors to the 1701 line. Such as the NCC-1701-D or the starship from Star Trek: The Next Generation as you'll probably know it as. So case closed. Star Trek win.
Who's the Gaffer?
Han Solo. A big name in the world of the internet. James T. Kirk. A bigger name in the world of the internet. Jean-Luc Picard. Another big name in the world of the internet. 2-1 to Star Trek. So case clos- "But what about Darth Vader?" I assume you'd say that. OK, yes, he was a captain. But please remind me of what starship. "The Death Star" No. The Death Star is a Space Station. So adiós Vader. So who are the actors behind the characters? Obviously it's Harrison Ford, William Shatner and Patrick Stewart respectively. No all of them have a huge place in the history of both film, music and the hearts of the entire population. (Just like The Three Rs.) ...So well done to them. I believe I have talked myself into a hole and cannot get out of it. So I'm just going to stop with the captain talk now. Yes, I understand that I can go back and change what I've written but since when did I check my work. So case closed. Star Trek Wins.
It's Green and Looks Like Yo Momma.
Alien. A great film. Anyway aliens in both franchises are immense and involved, so credit to both of them there. Now let's look at the aliens they have. Ewoks. Q. Strike one Star Wars. Wookiee. The Borg. Tough but Star Trek wins again. Whatever Jar Jar Binks is. Klingon. Star Trek wins again. What this proves is a popular alien in the general public's eye is best off as a man in a suit. So case closed Star Trek Wins. (But Chewbacca is still cool. Probably more because of the Simpsons then Star Wars though.)
I hope you'd enjoyed this rushed and pointless look into my on demand choices. Ciao.
Check out this nifty animated music video for the single "Momma's Boy" by '80s-infused electro-funk duo Chromeo. It is seriously strange how bizarrely catchy a song about mother-lovers and father-lovers can be when given a synth backbone, handclaps, dual guitar solo and supporting black and white video.
Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the best music video I have seen in a long time - as recommended to be by Mr. FinalSin of the PC Gamer forum: http://www.otaku-house.com/films/decdnload.htm
It doesn't look superior, or too 'cool' when you first start watching it. But watch it again if you have to. It contains some great symbolism. See how the press gets in the way of America? See how Korea sucks up to the chairman? See how they frame Luxembourg after declaring war? See how the neutral countries actually do what's right for once and stand up for human rights?
Have you seen the new advert for Just For Men, the men's hair-dying product? Don't know about grey hair, but I certainly wanted to die after witnessing this textbook example of excruciatingly bad advertising. The central concept is that men need hair dye to get ladyfolk. But it's deeper than that, because their children want their fathers to have a lady-friend, too. Ah, screw it, just watch it:
It starts off in a frankly disturbing way. If you had two daughters who told you that you're "a complete catch", you might be slightly scared. I would be - it's plan creepy. But then they actual contradict themselves by showing he's not a complete catch at all - because of his grey hair. Thankfully for him, they've gone out and spent their pocket money on some Just For Men. Hurrah! What great children! Actually, no. Weird, scary and far too preoccupied by the need of female presence. That's closer to the truth.
Don't worry, though. Dad seems to be in complete agreement that this is the Best Idea Since Sliced Bread. Perhaps he just went along with it in the way dads do to please their offspring by pretending they've come up with a genius idea. Or maybe Just For Men is actually a great invention that helps single men "stay in the game". Amazingly for an advert, it turns out to be the latter, as suave old dad sits with some woman and sends a photo to his daughters. They are exceptionally pleased - that's understandable, after they bought the hair dye and forced Dad to go looking for a woman.
This doesn't make me want to buy Just For Men. Alright, as a teenager, I'm hardly the target market for a super-tastic formula that targets your grey follicles, but I can recognise bad adverts. And this is most definitely one of them. It just launches into some concept dreamt up by a advertising executive who wants to appeal to a Dad's sentimental side. It ends up as too "cute" and "mushy" to be any good. Then there's the dark secrets it's hinting at. Why is Dad alone? Has Mum died? Was he cheating on his wife? There's a myraid of possible explanations, and Just For Men doesn't want to dwell on them. This means we're free to suggest implausible scenarios that definitely aren't what the advertisers want us to think.
Beyond that, imagine if you'd been seduced by a man with nice hair. You go to his house, meet his lovely daughters (who will have some odd obsession with you) and then...you see his Just For Men and scream at him for being such a tosser. Relationship over.
It's not quite as bad as another advert I remember. In that one, a wife told her husband to use Just For Men, because she didn't like grey hair! Perhaps he didn't use it so she divorced him, because she's a cow concerned only with looks. In fact, this latest one may be the sequel. If only the daughters knew! What can we expect from their next instalment, a man being threatened with redundancy unless he dyes his hair, because old folk are distracting to the young, sexy workforce? [Note to Just For Men's ad department: hire me! Look at my fabulous idea! Hire me!]
I thought, for a long time, about doing another post about Hitler. Those of you who are veterans to this blog will remember one of my first posts. That too, was a quarter-decent piece of satire based on the comparison between Adolf Hitler and Gandalf the Grey/White from Lord of the Rings. I have come along way since then, my writing style has matured and I deal with a lot more controversial issues. Oh, well, I'm bullshitting about the last point, obviously.
Despite this, I believe another post about old Adolf would be pretty weak. In fact, any post about Hitler would be one that seemed to be written pseudo-intellectual twelve year old. I would of probably taken the 'Hitler was wrong, but he was still great' approach that so many ignorant and racist people take nowadays. Yes, he had an IQ above 100 - but so does Jimmy Carr. That doesn't give him the right to attempt to rule the world and/or create a perfect race, does it (I bet you were all hoping for a 'HITLER IS CARR' article)?
So, here is another, YouTube-filled post. Except this one relates to Hitler. More specifically, the views that Walt Disney took upon the fascist and Nazi ideas during and after the war.
The video above is one entitled 'Der Fuehrer's Face' and was released in 2004. Until then, it had been kept out of general circulation since 1943, when it was released as a piece of anti-Nazi propaganda. The quality was gone-over when it was re-released a few years ago, but aside from that, it is relatively unchanged.
A few people have also commented how easily it could be changed into a pro-Nazi film. Donald Duck says 'Heil!' a good few times during the film. Loop this around and cut out some of the animation and you have a great piece of pro-propaganda. The same applies to the part where Donald mistakes the Statue of Liberty for a 'Seig Heil' salute at the end. The very icon of liberty is actually one of extreme prejudice and fascism? Hmm...
To dispel these awkward questions, Disney later (apparently in 1947 but I have yet to confirm this) released the below short:
'Education for Death'. This is, without a doubt, meant to humour Hitler and the Nazi ideologies. There is nothing else really to say. Except I seemed to notice something in the above video, something was amiss:
Hans is allowed? Surely this is a typical German name, but either they or Disney overlooked one simple thing:
Well! It seems I have been neglecting duties, so here I return in a blaze of glory and homosexuality (which is fitting it seems with a post I read just a little lower). I have decided to break from my silence to declare that, IF(and this is a pretty f**king big 'IF' I mean look at it its colossal *insert penis related ego boost here*). Anyhow I digress, and here I shall announce that IF I was ever to sail the sea of temptation and crash into the rocks of homosexuality it would be caused by the siren/lighthouse malfunction of Prince. I mean LOOK at him!
AND he owns at guitar! The lighthouse can hardly be malfunctioning if hes standing at its pinnacle delivering a spaff inducing solo. Which is the main reason why I love him, apart from being a snappy dresser, a smooth player and a guitar virtuoso (questionable, true, but then so is this entire post), hes also a musical genius. And so I'm going to share some of Prince's greatest hits with you, and let you realise for yourself...
Purple Rain - Epic ballad. Slow, powerful and emotional like a walrus with PMT. Oscar Wilde knows this one.
Let's Go Crazy - Can you really deny this mans rallying call? Listen to that funky bass, that scintillating synth and LO, GUITAR WIZARDRY.
Little Red Corvette - More innuendos than an episode of Lazytown, but from the uplifting synth you'd never guess. Listen carefully and you'll be rewarded by some of the most sensual wordplay ever. Seriously, take notes, if you don't have paper, write them on your arm. If you don't have ink or lead, use blood.
Kiss - His sexiest song undoubtedly. Professional fisherman don't have hooks this catchy honestly. He does things with musical arrangement that shouldn't be allowed (like taking away the bass but that really should be allowed :P DEEP BURN), I'm pretty sure the sound waves actually tried to undo my trouser zip. Or maybe that was Scott...well the song got him in the right mood for it I guess, one positive to take from what is undoubtedly a minefield of negativity...
1999 - An absolute party anthem. Synth serotonin prescribed by the music doctor. Believe it, the doctor is in.
Raspberry Beret - Oh come on! You know the words! 'The kind you find in a second hand store!'
I've had this conversation on my morning commute for the past two days now. The discussion is basically around homosexuals, not exactly a normal topic for 8:25AM, I know - but we needed something other than Lord Xenu to discuss.
Now, I have been constantly criticized in the past for having gay friends. I've been more than open to admit that my friends (not all of 'em, stupid assumer) have a somewhat controversial sexual stance. However, I maintain great connections within the gay community and gay people are still some of the most faithful (if not attempted flirtatious people) I have ever had the pleasure to meet. Which probably sounds terribly creepy. But damn, you know you're not exactly going to fall out fighting over a woman, eh?
So, what's my point?
My point, ladies and gentlemen, is this: Everywhere I freaking go on the Internet I am HARASSED and ASSAULTED by GAY PRIDE ADVERTS. "SHOW SUPPORT TO GAYS..." this and "FUCK A GAY TODAY!" that...
Jesus... this is extreme stuff. That's coming from someone who - by today's standard stereotypes - should be used to my limited amount of homosexual homies screaming such stuff in my ear day and night.
I don't especially mind gays banding together in support in times of prejudice and need. They are entirely in their rights to do that.
What PISSES ME OFF, however, IS STRAIGHT FUCKERS TELLING ME TO SUPPORT GAY PRIDE. AND CALLING ME A 'GAY HATER' FOR NOT DOING SO.
No, you assholes, I will not freaking support 'gay pride'! If my gay friends ask me to do so, I probably would. However, they haven't. They respect my sexual stances and I respect theirs. That's the end of it. Both parties have learned to see sexuality as something trivial and unimportant in the bigger picture.
SO WHY DO I GET STRAIGHT PEOPLE FLAMING ME FOR NOT STICKING 193828327346243 GAY BANNERS IN MY BLOG, SIGNATURE OR OTHERWISE?
These are straight people. Sure, they may be wanting to do their part for the society they live in, but Jesus - if you're wanting to do something for other people, let it be with their opinions and such included. I know people are oppressed and prejudiced against in today's world, but really, do I have to paste pretty pictures of TATU and Yaoi to show I'm otherwise?
AoC GM is baited old-school into taking off his robe and wizard hat.
As chronicled over on MMORG.com, an unnamed Age of Conan GM was recorded attempting to have cyber sex with a player he believed to be a woman but was in fact a man trying to trick him. The GM flirted with the player for a time, and ultimately summoned him to a secluded location and offered to spank the player with his "sword" after they both removed their avatars' clothing. The GM asked the player repeatedly if he was female, and at one point stopped mid-e-coitus to verify the player's age.
Some of the better lines from the, uh, dialogue, are:
[|GM|]: Ahh lol I see. You trying to get laid by a GM ;) To []: Of course, I thought you were THA MASTER. Gamer Master.
[|GM|]: um are you a real um woman?
[]: My panties wont come off :[ [|GM|]: lol its odd looking at a guy character… lol [|GM|]: in rl? To []: Huh? To []: No, in game =[ [|GM|]: your panties wont come off in real life :) [|GM|]: oh… [|GM|]: I’ll just have to tear them off and have my way lol To []: YES!!! To []: Whip out your massive sword too. [|GM|]: ROFL [|GM|]: lol you like?
[|GM|]: er.. how old are you (hopefully not under 18 lol) To []: I’m 9. [|GM|]: OMG To []: “_- To []: Want to be my daddy? Remember, I do like roleplaying ^_--
For those of you who don't already know, Cuil is a fairly new search engine that launched on July 27th to the public. And for those of you who are not Irish, or didn't Google search it, Cuil stands for knowledge, in Irish.
So you ask, "Why all the buzz? A new search engine comes out almost every week but you don't here anybody talking about it." Well it would seem that they claim to be the "World's Biggest Search Engine", and most of the founders are former Google employees. I think that alone, could cause quite a lot of buzz.
So when I heard about Cuil I figured I would try it out. To my disappointment, it failed in every way possible. I'll give it some slack since it just came out. But lets all remember the key phrase, "quality over quantity" for a moment. Basically, you type a search in Google, then you type the same search in Cuil, Google's will always be more relevent.
But that's not the big story here, the big story is that all this buzz about Cuil could be a sign of things to come. You see, Google has been dominating the search market for many years now (with 70% of the market share) and after they took the lead they really didn't do much to innovate afterwards, but neither did their competitors.
Now think for a second, what if a certain someone saw Cuil launch and said to himself, "Hey if Cuil can compete with Google maybe my search engine can too!" What I'm trying to say is that if people start thinking they can compete with Google I think lots of cool features we've never seen before will start to appear, A lot of "reinventing the search engine." Which this, along with Google's competitive behavior, will lead to lots of great advances in the field of internet search and indexing.
The bottom line is that competition helps make competitors better, in this case, Google.
Well I put them as "Additional" in the Contributors section. Well that's no more. They are now full time writers and you can enjoy their posts even more.
And maybe you're right if you think this was a publicity stunt to show we are adding more writers.
I can fit an unnecessary amount of <3<3<3<3 ~~~~~~~ in one post!
I HAVE PRETTY COLOURS!
[INSERT PANIC AT THE DISCO LYRICS HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE ELSE I CAN FIT THEM INTO MY POST WITHOUT THEM ACTUALLY RELATING BACK TO THE MAIN BODY OF THE POST!]
Sickening.
On every blog, post and other possible means of decent, serious discussion on the Internet (Especially sites such as GAIA - Anime-based, of course, and so the wannabes have to go that one step further), I find this: Little kids who think they're 'cool' just because they can make a 'unique' post. Well excuse me, kiddies, but I think the very fact that I can generalise you all in one simple topic doesn't make you unique: It makes you horribly annoying.
Seriously, ladies and gentlemen, what is the point of having tiny font that no one can read in the first place? Great! You've posted in incredibly irritating font! I've noticed your post! Except... oh, I can't read it. Hence, I don't give a toss what your opinion is. What's the point in posting like that in the first place if you don't want anyone except people with extremely thick glasses to read it? Because it's 'cute'? Explain that one. This is on the same note as the 'pretty colours thing'. Apparently, the more blinding the colour, the more 'pretty' to poster thinks it to be.
Pft!
I suppose the emoticon rape follows on from this. I'll give you an example of what I mean:
~~ Hey guys I think Johnny Depp is hawt lol <3333
The hearts may be explainable. After all, if the stereotype in question 'fancies' the celebrity, they may want to enforce this through hearts. What I don't get, is the whole ~~~~ thing. I mean WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU DOING THAT FOR!? DON'T YOU REALIZE YOUR POST WOULD MAKE JUST AS MUCH SENSE WITHOUT THE DEMENTED HYPHENS!? Re-take grammar, people.
And finally, we have the 'lyrics thing'. Let me give you an example of one such post I mean:
[INSERT SHITTY TECHNO-POP LYRICS HERE WHICH MAKE NO SENSE AND DO NOT TIE-IN WITH THE ACTUAL POST]
lol hi
[CONCLUDE SHITTY TECHNO-POP LYRICS HERE WHICH MAKE NO SENSE AND DO NOT TIE-IN WITH THE ACTUAL POST]
What's the point? To show that you like the lyrics of the band suggested? But surely, that's what the 'Likes' panel in your profile is for? If I want to see that you like Panic! At The Disco/Bright Eyes/Village People - I'll do a profile search on it. I don't want to get confused by your disillusioned post just because you think you're able to include (usually grammatically incorrect on the poster's part) lyrics that I've NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.
So the few rockstars among us with enough disposable income to splurge on Sony's big bad black box have finally had the opportunity to have one last series ending romp as old fan favourite Solid Snake. The game delivers, by most accounts, a fantastic ending to a great series and has sold very well despite the PS3's lagging market penetration. There's few complaints on the gameplay front, aside from the fact there just 'isn't enough of it' and the story seems to be getting just short of universal acclaim so surely I'd be hard pressed to find fault in this wonderful example of human endeavor? Wrong. How long have you been on the internet?
Now before you load up your email client and flex your fingers in anticipation of a ten thousand word email that explains both exactly why I happen to be wrong about Metal Gear Solid 4 and that I also happen to fuck pigs, hear me out. MGS4 is good yes, and the story is better than most games that centre on grizzled soldiers murdering people but it's not 'that' good. And I intend to tell you why.
1: Oh woe is Snake!
One of the reasons the fans have stuck with MGS so long, even when it seems the developers hate us, is that Snake just happens to be a profoundly likable character. He's tough yes, grizzled in a medium rare kind of way but he's also rather well educated and erudite for a man who's essentially a state sponsored serial murderer. He's also sporting a quirky sense of humour so it's not unusual to hear him throwing out the odd one liner inbetween sessions of intense philosophical debates and stealthy neck breaking. Now from the very first screenshot of MGS4 it was rather obvious that Konami were going for a rather tragic slant. One look at Snake who now looks more like a high school math teacher than the enstubbled hero of old and it was clear that things were perhaps not going to end entirely well for our razor shy protagonist. What we didn't expect however was for Konami to express a kind of pathalogical hatred of Snake ensuring the entire game centre around him being miserable.
This picture essentially sums up the whole game.
Now having Snake contract vague clone disease-itis was a good idea. It adds a layer of pathos to the game. Snakes deteriating health means that even if he wins, he still loses. But Konami begin pushing the whole melodramatic misery thing very hard very quickly. Just as we're warming up to the fact Snake is going the way of your great grandmother it's also revealed that even if old age doesn't get him he's going to have pop himself anyway thanks to a dubious bit of pseudo science involving nanomachine death viruses. Then he accidentally kills his mum. The game reaches a retarded fever pitch of melodramatic misery however during the scene where Snake finds himself being mother fucking microwaved while his girlfriend is stolen by a character known most for shitting himself. One of these tradgedies or perhaps a combination of two would have had quite an effect but the part where Snake is turned into an elderly hot pocket just made me feel like I was being manipulated. Like they were poking Snake with pins just to make me cry. Worse is, the story never really explains why Snake has crawl his way through the tunnel of burning pain. I mean snakes survives the whole ordeal and even goes on to go 12 rocky style rounds with brother on top of a nuclear submarine and win so why exactly couldn't we have sent Raiden through there? In fact that would make perfect sense, I mean not only does Raiden not feel pain so he wouldn't have to crawl the last 100 meters at a glacial pace while he bursts into flames but you'd also get to watch the blonde little bastard cook like poptart which would make the whole thing worthwhile.
2: Sad death scenes for everyone
One of the best scenes in Metal Gear Solid was the death of Sniper Wolf. It was interesting counter point to the rest of the game and it's the first I recall in gaming where I've been presented with the idea that killing another human being is actually a bad thing. The scene worked because it was such a suprise, a few hours earlier you saw Sniper Wolf go all Full Metal Jacket on Meryl and you're thinking she's a complete bitch but when you do finally put a stinger on her rectum she responds with a well written monologue that explains why she did what she did and it was very moving. It's good to see Konami has learnt from this but I'm thinking perhaps they missed the point as nearly every character in Metal Gear Solid 4 gets their own drawn out tragic death scene regardless of whether they were particularly tragic or not. All of the bosses in the game just happen to be hot chicks with super tragic pasts. There's supposed to be a serious point in there about how war has terrible effects on everyone who encounters it but it's kind of lost in a clumsy competition to see who can come up with the most ridiculously tragic backstory and the whole thing just comes off as cheap and manipulative. The worst example of this is of course the fact Vamp gets his own tragic death. Yes. Vamp. The guy mostly known for murdering Otacon's teenage sister in Metal Gear Solid 2, dies very slowly and we're expected to feel sorry for him because he's immortal. It's madness. Kind of like playing through Wolfenstein 3d only to find once you've killed Hitler you have to listen to him tell you about how he 'only wanted to be loved' It's worth noting however that the only character in the game who actually isn't as much of an asshole as he appeared to be, good old Revolver Ocelot, does not get his own tragic death scene. Perhaps they ran out of violin solos.
3: Meet the new character, same as the old character
The Metal Gear universe is populated by a diverse and intriguing cast of characters but is not apparently populated by a decent pension scheme because those fuckers keep on coming back year after year no matter how god damn old they get. Meryl was conspicously missing from MGS2 so her return is welcome but bringing back Mei Ling as the captain of a WW2 battleship pushes coincidence to uncomfortable extremes. It's only slightly short of having a scene where Snake needs to take a bus and finding out the driver just happens to be Vulcan Raven. Konami's refusal to introduce new characters reaches epic levels when it's finally revealed who the mysterious Patriots are and the whole thing stinks to high haven. Big Boss' turning into a kind of bad guy we can handle. But when did Paramedic turn from a Japanophile who knows more than a healthy ammount about the taste of frogs into a comic book mad scientist? And how exactly does Major Zero turn into the MGS equivalent of the Emperor from star wars? The worst offender is of course the inevitable return of big boss who's remarkably well preserved for a man Snake has killed twice.
The worst part is he pops out just when you think "Hey they really showed some restraint" during the credits.
4: Like a Hollywood block buster, in the worst way
When a game is touted as 'Like a Hollywood blockbuster' it can mean a few things. If it means high production values and good voice acting. Great. If it means retarded plot elements and cop out endings. Not so great. In true Hollywood style most of the game takes place genericsville. Sure there's a reason why the opening mission is set in the 'middle east' instead of say 'Iraq' and it's the same reason Call of Duty 4 is set in generic middle eastern country-istan but it's kind of silly when Snake is told to look for the remains of big boss in 'Eastern Europe'. Oh there's only 10 countries in Eastern Europe. I suppose I'll start with the Ukraine and work my way up. I can actually mark the exact moment where the game made the jump from over the top to retarded. It was when Snake, the snarky english Babe cum scientist, the black token character and his pet monkey took part in a thrilling car chase involving backflipping robots and mother fucking zombies.
A large portion of the game looks like this.
The game is also fond of trying to use one scientific principle to explain all the weird shit that happens. Nanomachines become less of a radical technology advancement and more of a kind of magical device that can let people do anything, kind of like how the internet was presented in 90's movies. The ending takes a pure unadulterated dose of Hollywood cheese too. One of the games most powerful visual metaphors was Snake's rapidly depleting cigarettes and how they tied into how much time he had left. You just knew when Snake knocked back that last cancer stick it was probably about time for his mouth and that .45 to have a meeting. Then, in one of the clumsiest bits of symbolism ever Snake decides to quit smoking, doesn't pop himself in the mouth and instead goes off to 'live as a beast' with his bestest buddy Otacon.
Personally I would have sucked on the .45.
Super Extra Bonus!
5: Shit. Someone call the Samaritans.
MGS4 characters, probably despondent over the lack of pensions schemes and the fact they'll have to keep working till they're murdered by terrorists or killed by a mutating nanomachine virus are all raring to hurl themselves off bridges. Raiden attempts to sacrifice himself no less than three times throughout the game. First by fighting a dude we've already established can't be fucking killed until you get a sad piano theme going, secondly by attempting to stop a fucking giant boat from crushing Snake who is too fucked to move because he has a headache and finally by attempting to fight off approximately a million ninjas despite the fact he has no god damn arms. Other characters too suffer from suicidal urges. Naomi's suicide is unexpected purely because it makes no sense. We've just beaten vamp and you've started a relationship with Hal 'everything I love dies' Emerich so why did you... oh yeah, that's probably why. Finally Big Boss. What the fuck? He's finally free of his 'coma'. Freed I might add by the tireless efforts of Revolver Ocelot and at the expense of hundreds if not thousands of lives and what does he do? Go to Perkins for the senior specials? Go see the dark Knight? No marches straight towards Snake, the one man who can kill him just by talking to him. Way to go boss!
This post is here to redirect to the website of our very good friends: The War Tomatoes.
But what is the War Tomatoes? Well it's an internet comic website. I'm not exactly sure what to class this as, genre wise... it's a comic and you should read it. Simple. Still not sold? Well here's the first couple of pages from their current epic, Chibi Man...
Who could that be? Found out at The War Tomatoes. If your ever feeling the urge to go to the War Tomatoes then check out our "LINKS" section on the left slidely menu. (You know Tomatoes you could return the favour.)
I'm not one to post news, but I liked the headline. And what the hell, it shows the Three Rs supports charity.
Piers Morgan will appear on WWE's Saturday Night Main Event this week.
The former British tabloid editor will join celebrities including Jenny McCarthy, Ben Stiller, Billy Ray Cyrus and Toby Keith to raise awareness of autism group Generation Rescue.
Speaking about the event, Morgan told The Sun: "I'm delighted to help with such a worthy cause.
"My kids are huge WWE fans, so there was no way I could turn down the opportunity to fight this cause alongside WWE's superstars."
Jenny McCarthy added: "I love the WWE and when Vince McMahon called me and said he wanted to join the fight and help families suffering with autism, I was really excited.
"Who better to have on your side in a fight than WWE?"
Alright, here goes; the first blog. God knows how much I’ve been putting this off. (All of those who said they’d go read this, had better read it! Stop being lazy by just reading it off your blog update email, then in turn instead of commenting by clicking on the link provided, proceed to REPLY to the email, thus sparking a 12 email-long conversation that pointlessly fills my inbox!)
Anyway, as promised to a friend, I’d like to breach the topic of how corrupted Disney is. No, really. Maybe it’s just me (and them) but I’ve seen more subdued episodes of Gossip Girl compared to some of these characters that that ‘innocent’ channel churns out.
Don’t believe me? Well let’s revisit a few of the scandals shall we…?
A) An appropriate place to start is at the beginning, and that’s just what I intend to do. Two infamous words; WALT DISNEY. He wasn’t that sweet old man who drew cartoons to pass his time. No sir, according to his closest he was a dark man, who hired paedophiles to direct his films. His films made up of child actors.
B) The Mouseketeers (Oh god, the name is awful enough). Most notably; Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. Do I really need to explain about Britney? ½ a day marriage (in which she lost her oh so savoured virginity), Shaved hair, neglected children, and the transition to girl next door to next door whore... Which moves us on swiftly to Christina. Or Xtina shall I say. How did genie in the bottle turn to dirrrrty? IN ONE ALBUM?!
C) Speaking of Mouseketeers; Britney&Justin (unfortunately for them their names were not compatible into one) the all time teenage couple, which ended; “Cry Me a River.” Following this trend are Nick&Miley (Nick Jonas and Miley Cyrus for newcomers); “7 things I hate about you”. Ouch. That didn’t take too much guesswork... Also, doesn’t Disney always describe themselves as “One Big Happy Family”? INCEST!!
D) Miley Cyrus (from above) can be our penultimate topic. There’s no way I can do justice to this in a paragraph, but let’s try. She became famous through the Disney show Hannah Montana, about a normal girl, Miley Stewart, who turns into the Superstar Hannah Montana at night. (Obviously meant to reflect her *chokes*, seeing as she kept the same name) She was catapulted to fame through this show, and only this show. Then 2 years down the line what does she say? “It’s getting too old for me; this is going to be my last season”. So now she’s too good for it?! Didn’t see her complaining 2 years before... Even now, she’s only 14 or 15? And she gets herself a tattoo, and takes semi-naked pictures in her underwear to “take the pressure off Vanessa’s naked photo scandal”. Vanessa who’s 17 and has a somewhat more legitimate reason to do such... things.
E) Vanessa can be our last topic. Though not the last corrupted star by far (cough, Lindsay Lohan...). I can’t ever watch High School Musical without thinking about what a slut she is, compared to the character I thought she was. Yes, she made us all believe she was Gabriella. Well, the truth has finally come to light. And it’s not pretty.
Well, if you kept with me through all that, I think you deserve a treat :) That's somewhat related... Enjoy, lovelies.
P.S. All the above are role-models to girls who've just given up their tricycles. (Well, I’m sure they might be role models to some boys too... like the crying Britney fan.... but I’m not going there tonight.)
P.P.S. I DON’T ACTUALLY HATE DISNEY. I just think it’s corrupted... Difference? But it’s fine, cos I’m over the legal age limit for such naughty things ;)
The people over at I <3 Halo 3 Screenshots have complied a list of halo corpses which resemble the alphabet. It's a fun look. So here we are going to spam the post section with one everyday.
Here at The Three Rs we've always found art to be a very essential subject of our working lives. Me and Dee are both qualified (to some degree; him more than me) artists, and more than 60% of our main staff our freelance graphic designers. We feel it important, therefore, to support the work of other sites and artists working towards the same aim. Therefore, for the next month or so, we'll be promoting Gawker Media's very own artists on our site. Every time you tune into The Three Rs, there (providing everything goes well) will be three different samples of artists' work.
Plus, it makes the whole site look that little bit prettier.
The blog will still be updated as usual; just that you'll be treated to more eye-candy on the page than normal.
Time for August's Poll of the Month. I would like a nice banner for this section of the month... all snazzy and such. Mel if you're reading this, take note.
Spanish
French
German
Italian
Portuguese
Arabic
Japanese
Korean
Chinese
Russian
As chronicled over on 
Now before you load up your email client and flex your fingers in anticipation of a ten thousand word email that explains both exactly why I happen to be wrong about Metal Gear Solid 4 and that I also happen to fuck pigs, hear me out. MGS4 is good yes, and the story is better than most games that centre on grizzled soldiers murdering people but it's not 'that' good. And I intend to tell you why.
1: Oh woe is Snake!
One of the reasons the fans have stuck with MGS so long, even when it seems the developers hate us, is that Snake just happens to be a profoundly likable character. He's tough yes, grizzled in a medium rare kind of way but he's also rather well educated and erudite for a man who's essentially a state sponsored serial murderer. He's also sporting a quirky sense of humour so it's not unusual to hear him throwing out the odd one liner inbetween sessions of intense philosophical debates and stealthy neck breaking.
Now from the very first screenshot of MGS4 it was rather obvious that Konami were going for a rather tragic slant. One look at Snake who now looks more like a high school math teacher than the enstubbled hero of old and it was clear that things were perhaps not going to end entirely well for our razor shy protagonist.
What we didn't expect however was for Konami to express a kind of pathalogical hatred of Snake ensuring the entire game centre around him being miserable.
This picture essentially sums up the whole game.
Now having Snake contract vague clone disease-itis was a good idea. It adds a layer of pathos to the game. Snakes deteriating health means that even if he wins, he still loses. But Konami begin pushing the whole melodramatic misery thing very hard very quickly. Just as we're warming up to the fact Snake is going the way of your great grandmother it's also revealed that even if old age doesn't get him he's going to have pop himself anyway thanks to a dubious bit of pseudo science involving nanomachine death viruses. Then he accidentally kills his mum. The game reaches a retarded fever pitch of melodramatic misery however during the scene where Snake finds himself being mother fucking microwaved while his girlfriend is stolen by a character known most for shitting himself.
One of these tradgedies or perhaps a combination of two would have had quite an effect but the part where Snake is turned into an elderly hot pocket just made me feel like I was being manipulated. Like they were poking Snake with pins just to make me cry. Worse is, the story never really explains why Snake has crawl his way through the tunnel of burning pain. I mean snakes survives the whole ordeal and even goes on to go 12 rocky style rounds with brother on top of a nuclear submarine and win so why exactly couldn't we have sent Raiden through there? In fact that would make perfect sense, I mean not only does Raiden not feel pain so he wouldn't have to crawl the last 100 meters at a glacial pace while he bursts into flames but you'd also get to watch the blonde little bastard cook like poptart which would make the whole thing worthwhile.
2: Sad death scenes for everyone
One of the best scenes in Metal Gear Solid was the death of Sniper Wolf. It was interesting counter point to the rest of the game and it's the first I recall in gaming where I've been presented with the idea that killing another human being is actually a bad thing. The scene worked because it was such a suprise, a few hours earlier you saw Sniper Wolf go all Full Metal Jacket on Meryl and you're thinking she's a complete bitch but when you do finally put a stinger on her rectum she responds with a well written monologue that explains why she did what she did and it was very moving. It's good to see Konami has learnt from this but I'm thinking perhaps they missed the point as nearly every character in Metal Gear Solid 4 gets their own drawn out tragic death scene regardless of whether they were particularly tragic or not.
All of the bosses in the game just happen to be hot chicks with super tragic pasts. There's supposed to be a serious point in there about how war has terrible effects on everyone who encounters it but it's kind of lost in a clumsy competition to see who can come up with the most ridiculously tragic backstory and the whole thing just comes off as cheap and manipulative.
The worst example of this is of course the fact Vamp gets his own tragic death. Yes. Vamp. The guy mostly known for murdering Otacon's teenage sister in Metal Gear Solid 2, dies very slowly and we're expected to feel sorry for him because he's immortal. It's madness. Kind of like playing through Wolfenstein 3d only to find once you've killed Hitler you have to listen to him tell you about how he 'only wanted to be loved'
It's worth noting however that the only character in the game who actually isn't as much of an asshole as he appeared to be, good old Revolver Ocelot, does not get his own tragic death scene. Perhaps they ran out of violin solos.
3: Meet the new character, same as the old character
The Metal Gear universe is populated by a diverse and intriguing cast of characters but is not apparently populated by a decent pension scheme because those fuckers keep on coming back year after year no matter how god damn old they get.
Meryl was conspicously missing from MGS2 so her return is welcome but bringing back Mei Ling as the captain of a WW2 battleship pushes coincidence to uncomfortable extremes. It's only slightly short of having a scene where Snake needs to take a bus and finding out the driver just happens to be Vulcan Raven.
Konami's refusal to introduce new characters reaches epic levels when it's finally revealed who the mysterious Patriots are and the whole thing stinks to high haven. Big Boss' turning into a kind of bad guy we can handle. But when did Paramedic turn from a Japanophile who knows more than a healthy ammount about the taste of frogs into a comic book mad scientist? And how exactly does Major Zero turn into the MGS equivalent of the Emperor from star wars?
The worst offender is of course the inevitable return of big boss who's remarkably well preserved for a man Snake has killed twice.
The worst part is he pops out just when you think "Hey they really showed some restraint" during the credits.
4: Like a Hollywood block buster, in the worst way
When a game is touted as 'Like a Hollywood blockbuster' it can mean a few things. If it means high production values and good voice acting. Great. If it means retarded plot elements and cop out endings. Not so great.
In true Hollywood style most of the game takes place genericsville. Sure there's a reason why the opening mission is set in the 'middle east' instead of say 'Iraq' and it's the same reason Call of Duty 4 is set in generic middle eastern country-istan but it's kind of silly when Snake is told to look for the remains of big boss in 'Eastern Europe'. Oh there's only 10 countries in Eastern Europe. I suppose I'll start with the Ukraine and work my way up.
I can actually mark the exact moment where the game made the jump from over the top to retarded. It was when Snake, the snarky english Babe cum scientist, the black token character and his pet monkey took part in a thrilling car chase involving backflipping robots and mother fucking zombies.
A large portion of the game looks like this.
The game is also fond of trying to use one scientific principle to explain all the weird shit that happens. Nanomachines become less of a radical technology advancement and more of a kind of magical device that can let people do anything, kind of like how the internet was presented in 90's movies.
The ending takes a pure unadulterated dose of Hollywood cheese too. One of the games most powerful visual metaphors was Snake's rapidly depleting cigarettes and how they tied into how much time he had left. You just knew when Snake knocked back that last cancer stick it was probably about time for his mouth and that .45 to have a meeting. Then, in one of the clumsiest bits of symbolism ever Snake decides to quit smoking, doesn't pop himself in the mouth and instead goes off to 'live as a beast' with his bestest buddy Otacon.
Personally I would have sucked on the .45.
Super Extra Bonus!
5: Shit. Someone call the Samaritans.
MGS4 characters, probably despondent over the lack of pensions schemes and the fact they'll have to keep working till they're murdered by terrorists or killed by a mutating nanomachine virus are all raring to hurl themselves off bridges.
Raiden attempts to sacrifice himself no less than three times throughout the game. First by fighting a dude we've already established can't be fucking killed until you get a sad piano theme going, secondly by attempting to stop a fucking giant boat from crushing Snake who is too fucked to move because he has a headache and finally by attempting to fight off approximately a million ninjas despite the fact he has no god damn arms.
Other characters too suffer from suicidal urges. Naomi's suicide is unexpected purely because it makes no sense. We've just beaten vamp and you've started a relationship with Hal 'everything I love dies' Emerich so why did you... oh yeah, that's probably why.
Finally Big Boss. What the fuck? He's finally free of his 'coma'. Freed I might add by the tireless efforts of Revolver Ocelot and at the expense of hundreds if not thousands of lives and what does he do? Go to Perkins for the senior specials? Go see the dark Knight? No marches straight towards Snake, the one man who can kill him just by talking to him. Way to go boss!