The Three Rs is a primarily British viral entertainment site, with standings in many niche interests and involved in a variety of different groups. Topics range from gaming to adulthood to the latest fashion.
July for the Three Rs could only be described as a rebirth. After the unofficial rest month (also known as June to you Morlocks.) We have all descended back onto the blog with higher hopes and bigger dreams. Much bigger dreams. A big event is currently being planned for you... but whether it happens is a whole different thing. Overall it's been a good month for us.
Changes
This months only major change are:
-New Writers! Thor, Flosh and Raihan! Welcome them to the group nicely.
-The Three Rs is now updated daily! So come back more often!
-The deletion of the Lost Together, Blog Alon3 blog. From now on all Lost posts will be posted where they were originally intended, on the main website.
-Various previous websites of ours have also hit the chopping block. But mostly because of lack of interest.
Poll Results
On the 10th of July we asked you "The Console Mascots... Who'd win in a fight? Mario, Master Chief or Solid Snake?" You have been voting over at the Res3.net forums and you believe that in a fight...
Master Chief would win.
Comments include: "I luff master chief. In fact, I will name my first born after him (:" by Nicolaaaxo.
Post of the Month
I, Dee4leeds, have decided that the best post over at the Res3.net forums this month is...
"Rock Band! RAWWWWWWWWWWK BAAAAAAAAND." by Melaisis.
Do you think you could do better? Register at the Res3.net forums and give it a shot.
August's Poll of the Month will be posted tomorrow and you will be able to vote from tomorrow to the end of the month. Nothing much has been planned for the month of August, as with July it's more about getting ready for the winter months. When you lot are more inclined to be on the computer, instead of out in the funshine.
*Edited by Curio (Posts Originally from "En Masse")
We've all got memories of things we loved as young children. I mean really young. For me, it's the simple pleasures of Postman Pat, Fireman Sam, Tom & Jerry and a whole host of other children's TV which I enjoyed at the time.
Actually, I can still enjoy such sights as a jolly postman doing everything but deliver the post or a cat being constantly outwitted by a mouse. Yes, it's complete nonsense. But it's nostalgic and very fun nonsense. Which is why it enrages me when TV executives plunder the archives in the place of originality. Sure, they've got original ideas - Balamory, Teletubbies, Blue's Clues and other stuff - but when they dare to touch my shows, I'm foaming at the mouth, clutching a Crayola to jab in someone's eye.
I'm going to touch on Tom & Jerry briefly, before I get into a real rant. The show was "recently" censored a bit. In a few episodes, one of the main characters is seen to be smoking. The Political Correctness Brigade simply will not stand for such obscenities, and took great pains to airbrush away these images. As if seeing a mouse obliterate a cat isn't in any way worse!
On to Postman Pat. Now, for the newer series they redid the theme tune. It's barely indistinguishable from the original version, if we're honest, so I'm not particularly annoyed at that ("knock...ring...letters through your door" warms what's left of my heart, every time). What I do object to is ludicrous situations like Postman Pat snowboarding. Honestly, what is that all about? Modernisation. And the PC Brigade strike again! Only now, they've decided Postman Pat is completely racist because all the characters are white. So along comes the blatantly token Asian family. There's nothing wrong with that...except it's been done for purely PC reasons. (Incidentally, they don't seem to have noticed a Hitler lookalike as a policeman.)
Next is Fireman Sam. Alright, it was a completely implausible show. They hardly ever fought fires and when they did it was always Bella's cafe called Ridoli's (which, to her insurer's incredulity, was set on fire eight times over the course of 59 episodes). The old theme tune was a classic, but the new version is an utter abomination. I can't find a version online - perhaps the wisest decision the Internet community has ever reached - so you can't listen to it right now (episodes are available from Virgin Media On Demand). That means you're very lucky, because the lyrics have been updated and are sung by someone whose voice has been put through some of electronic piece of rubbish to quasi-synthesize it, resulting in a garbled mess (at least that's what I sounded like when I heard it).
To add insult to injury, the show then gives us a brand new character, who is Australian for no descernible reason at all. Why is this? I shall never know. Perhaps it's the PC Brigade returning again, or perhaps it's the current "in" thing to do. Even the Welsh - where the show started and is based - aren't particularly happy: the Welsh accents have, apparently, been "toned down". So, in short, my childhood has been ruined!
But wait! It gets worse. Barney has been left fully intact; super-cheery dinosaur songs and all. That's the worst crime here. I hate Barney even to this day. It's not even sending out a decent message to children, is it? "Look, there's still dinosaurs alive!" is bad enough - but they then persist in telling us that dinosaurs are also capable of speech (in English) and just love chirpy, far-too-happy-to-be-not-drug-influenced idealistic "songs". That's not going to come in handy when Jurassic Park is finally built! Batman went dark for a while (thank you, Tim Burton, you utter genius) - I'd love to see Barney go the same way. Surely someone, somewhere can fix the show? Even if it means asteroid-inflicting extinction.
We've always supported independent games here at The Three Rs, and here's another example of us finding fantastic achievements by under credited designers. Chalk (click it under 'games' at the top of the page) is a marvel to behold. A little bit of Everyday Shooter combined with Crayon Physics. Download it. Check it out.
Amazing. To say the least: Yahtzee is back on form. His pacing is great, his metaphors are wonderful and the odd sound effect never goes amiss. Plus, it ties nicely in with our own opinions on this year's expo.
Ladies and gentlemen, those of you who have waited three months for this, here it is:
My second NEXT BLOG >>
The article where I bring you the worst of blogging on the Internet! From whinny-ass guy-girls named Fletcher Beaver to... well... er... that's all I've done, so far.
Nethertheless, I have been able to write an accurate diary of my search for the next blog to take the piss out of:
Captain Scott's Diary, June 14th, 2006
After reading through Spanish porn crap, moose-lum plots, Gregory's coding pages and a nay-ger bitching about God-knows-what; I'm a broken man. I forayed into the darker side of the 'net frivolously. I was not ready. I continued my search for the ultimate blog. Click after click after click. It was all too much to take. So many French pages! The amount of foreign language was too much to bare! Too many pictures of Effiel Towers and the Da Vinci Code! I decided enough was enough. I had to make camp for the night against the looming cyber-storm.
Captain Scott's Diary, June 15th, 2006
I awoke the next morning, and immediately found a superb blog of absolute promise to be a satisfying piss-take. It went by the name of 'RecoveringOverachiever', and it was gold:
It told of a woman's life. A woman with a fear of spiders. Alas, the spiders she mentioned were nothing as big as the ones from the GREAT AMAZON! But were made out to be just as such! Pft! If she was to be faced with Aragog, surely she would know about it! Alas, it gets better than giant, jumping apartment spiders:
While I am certain that "Sugar Honeyridge" had a glorious time at her soirée I would rather not share in her experience of the delectable taste of "Anal Ease" and it would seem I am also lacking the proper equipment to test out "X-Scream". What use is this crappy information but to drive a man around the bend at all this graphical information!? Where did she pick up the name "Sugar Honeyridge" in the first damn place!? How about "Candy Bigass" or "Honey Suxx"? Surely those names actually do their job - and fit perfectly with the description of a pornstar!?
Or perhaps she was also lacking in creativity at the time. I mean, her father chose to go after spiders with a yardstick - the most inappropriate weapon against arachnids known to Mankind. Surely then, she has come up with "Sugar Honeyridge" - equally the most inappropriate name for pornography known to Man. After all, how many pornstars do you know?
The metal version. Everyone remember 'Caramelldansen', the strange, nu-rave/trance song which came out a few months/years back? Well, people have turned this weird and addictive song into something actually worth listening to. Welcome to the world of Metal Caramelldansen!
That's right, some know-it-all professors on the behalf of the 'British Reading Public' have elected 'Jo' (as she likes to be called) has the 'Best Living Author' - as reported by the BBC: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/5058220.stm
I mean... WHAT THE CRAP!? She beat Pullman, Brooks and Pratchett in one fell swoop! Yet her ideas are not original, or funny, or unique! The Worst Witch was all of these things, and that was published back in the seventies. That included a school for witches, and the grand misadventures of the protagonist against a snubby, upper-class rival! Holy Hendu of the Flaming Wax! I mean, what on Earth were the 'British Reading Public' thinking!? Have they even READ the other books by other authors? On second thoughts... probably not. Even people in bottom-set English class (who can't even get past THE FIRST PAGE) buy the freakin' hard-back editions of HP. Do these judges honestly think that those people have bought the book because they want to 'feel the gripping storyline, magical prowess and journey alongside Harry and his friends on a trip of self-discovery'? NO! The morons buy the book because there's SO MUCH DAMN HYPE around it.
I mean... WHERE DO HER CRAZY IDEAS ACTUALLY COME FROM!? I'll tell thee where! They clearly come from one too many late nights chillin' with the centaurs after ingesting a few... irregular mushrooms in the 'Forbidden Forest'. Talking of large, bushy places - what the CRAP is the purpose of Hermonie... Hermoine... (However the fuck you spell her name) in the books!? As Unreal 2 showed us, the heroine-esque figure is supposed to show chemistry to other characters, have giant brains and, most importantly:
HAVE LARGE BREASTS!
Not once in Harry Potter does Hermoine's description include all of these three factors which make an ideal, fitting womanly figure that the females of Britain can look up to! Then again, 'Jo' (Ugh) did say that she based Hermonie's character off of... well, herself. This could explain a lot. I mean, what sort of pissy heroine wants to be an author when she grows up, eh? At times, I actually doubt that Hermoine is a woman. Besides, she should have a gun!
A GUN!
What's wrong with Hermoine having a gun, eh? Jo has made her SO SUPER-OVERPOWERED IN THE FREAKIN' BOOKS THAT SHE'S ALREADY THE RESULT OF A CRAZED ROLEPLAYER ON A GOD-MODDING SPREE! A GUN WOULDN'T MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCE! Except to stop her getting RAPED by Harry and the gang in those broken toilets!
Going back to the point... I find it just a tad suspicious that Rowling, the only real female author in the running, came out on top of all the other better fantasy writers. This is simply due to one thing:
J.K Rowling slept with the ENTIRE 'British Reading Public' and thus, won the title of 'Best Living Author' with her shitty saga of books and sex acts. Now I'm REALLY suprised why Hermoine hasn't got enormous breasts and giant sexual flair.
Banned: Donkey riding has joined ice-cream van music in the officialdom clamp down
With the summer holidays getting into full swing this weekend, I suppose it was inevitable that someone would find a way of banning ice cream vans.
Worcester Council has decreed that no van can play its chimes for more than four seconds every three minutes.
That's barely enough time to belt out the first bar of the Teddy Bears' Picnic. Cough and you'll miss it. And the noise mustn't exceed 80 decibels at a distance of 25ft.
OK, so Worcester isn't exactly everyone's first choice of a summer vacation destination. But just you wait until other councils cotton on.
Within a couple of years, there won't be an ice cream van left anywhere in Britain.
Soon, the jobs pages of The Guardian will be packed with adverts for Ice Cream Van Prevention Co-ordinators on thirty grand and a Toyota Pious - applications especially welcomed from members of the transgendered community, who are currently underrepresented in the field of frozen dessert enforcement.
Lollipop ladies will be switched from school-crossing patrol to ice cream surveillance duties.
Sea-fronts from Lulworth Cove to Largs will be over-run with council officials armed with decibel metres, stopwatches and tape measures.
It's happening already. Tom Davison, from the Ice Cream Alliance, says more and more vendors are being forced out of business by the bureaucrats.
Mr Davison, 54, said: 'It's harder and harder to make an honest living. Whether you play your chimes for six or seven seconds, does it really cause harm to anyone?'
Of course not. This is just another manifestation of Britain's killjoy culture. Government at every level works on the basis: find out what people enjoy doing and stop them.
Which of us doesn't have a happy childhood memory of the thrill of the sound of the ice cream van approaching?
Sadly, if the noise abatement nazis get their way, it is an innocent pleasure which will be denied to future generations.
Think I'm exaggerating? Councils from Blackpool to Bournemouth are already busy banning donkey rides, on animal cruelty grounds, and Punch and Judy shows, which they ludicrously claim glorify domestic violence.
They're sweeping away pavement tables and cafe advertising boards, which they say can obstruct the free passage of wheelchairs.
Some are even going as far as trying to ban smoking on public beaches - and the accident prevention brigade have got deckchairs in their sights, too.
Thanks to the food hygiene mentalists, it's become almost impossible to eat fish and chips out of the paper any more.
Wrapping in newspaper was outlawed years ago, in case we all fell victim to ink poisoning.
Instead, you'll likely be given one of those horrible polystyrene boxes and a plastic chip fork.
And, as I observed recently, the condiment communists are so hell-bent on preventing your arteries silting up that they're confiscating salt cellars with more than five holes.
We're told that more people will be taking their summer holidays at home this year, because of the collapsing pound and the usual chaos at the airports.
But millions more will break for the border. It's a fair bet many of you are reading this as you wait to board your plane or ferry.
This isn't just because a fortnight in Florida is still cheaper than a wet weekend in Frinton.
It's not that most British seaside towns are rundown dole-claimant dormitories, which seem to take a perverse delight in driving people away through a combination of rip-off prices, tatty boarding houses, disgusting food and draconian parking regimes.
It's that getting out of the country frees the spirit. For a couple of weeks, there's an escape from the grinding, soul-destroying onslaught of officialdom - a sanctuary from the pettifogging, hectoring, snooping, bullying, punishment freaks who are such a fixture of our lives in Brown's Britain.
One of the most striking aspects of holidaying in Europe is the conspicuous absence of any of those ridiculous rules which are imposed upon us at home in the name of 'Europe'.
There's no forest of speed cameras every few hundred yards, no clamping vans, no ripe harvest of signs telling you what you can't do and how much they're going to fine you if you disobey them.
Other countries seem able to come to a grown-up, amicable accommodation between the rights of smokers and non-smokers.
For a brief time, you're liberated from the constant badgering to cut your fat intake, eat your greens and watch your units of alcohol, otherwise you're going to DIE!
You might also notice that in Europe they take a rather more civilised attitude towards airport security.
Despite 'EU' recycling rules, they still manage to empty the dustbins every day - not once a fortnight. (Richard Littlejohn in the Daily Mail)
"Electronic Entertainment Expo Media and Business Summit" or "E3" was held last week in Los Angles and this my review of both the actual event and of the coverage websites, television etc. that was given.
For those who are not in the know E3 is the largest, or at least now the most known, gaming and electronics summit in the world. Usually companies like Microsoft, Sony and Nintendo use the event to unveil their latest creations, like the Wii or the PS3. As you should of no doubt surmised... this year's E3 was a little on my tame side.
Let's begin with Microsoft. Rant: This year's announcements included a new dashboard with human avatar integration, a movie rental system and the Eyecrosoft Toy. The best way to describe the new dashboard is basically ripping the console away from the tight, monkey like grip of the hardcore gamers and slamming it down the throats of the causal market whilst begging them to put down their Wii and accept the 360 as a family console. The avatar system is basically another step in Microsoft's attempt to fight the Wii, basically the avatars are Nintendo's Mii's with slightly better graphics. The movie rental system is somewhat impressive but in my opinion completely unnecessary, because it's a games console... for you know... games. And finally that camera game type thing. Basically it's a somewhat obvious attempt to copy the EyeToy and cash in on the causal market. So in summary Microsoft fronted it's show with a casual theme but most people casually ignored it Review: 2/5: I guess they did deliver exactly what they wanted to do... but it's clearly not what the public wants them to produce. Randomness: The 360 of "Xbox 360" must represent the on going travelling of the console from the home to the repairs centre.
Next alphabetically and, if my mind recalls correctly, chronologically we have Nintendo. Rant: The current champions of the casual market, Microsoft wants so badly. Nintendo led their show with the introduction of the "Wii MotionPlus" or as we, the public, call it; Something that should of been there from the beginning and now where going to have to pay extra for it. The purpose of the MotionPlus gadget is to further make the Wii remote motion sensitive. So pointless? Next on the firing line was the long awaited Wii Music. Wii Music is next expansion of the Wii Series, which includes Wii Sports, Wii Play, Wii Fit and... Wii Chess. The concept I gathered from Mr. Miyamoto is that he is fed up of music games that need you to have some plastic instrument. But something about holding the Wii remote and Nunchuck in a similar fashion to the actual seems stupid, or at least more stupid than the plastic instrument market. Nothing special here either. There was the announcement of Grand Theft Auto for the Nintendo DS but not much detailing on it, and finally they revealed a microphone for the console to be used in game. Wow, a microphone... Gosh Nintendo, how long did that take to come up with? Review: 0/5: Hey Reggie! Yeah, you. Where's my core title? And no the 0 score is not because of bitterness. Randomness: F-Zero X should so totally be remade for the Wii. Don't change it, just add online multiplayer.
And so finally in the home console war we come to Sony with it's graphical powerhouse, the PS3. Rant:Sony followed suit of Microsoft in announcing a movie rental system. See Microsoft rant for such reasoning against said idea. They also announced a sequel to the not-as-good-as-Spyro-or-Crash Ratchet and Clank, nothing big. And finally to top off a clearly brilliant show they revealed the return of their "Greatest Hits" collection or as we, the public, call it; A pointless attempt to get those extra 3 costumers to buy the game, but with a different coloured box. That's not to say Sony's attempt was all in vain, they did lift the lid on a 256 online multiplayer... sounds good! Though lagging seems inevitable. And there was also more screen shots of Home. Yeah, I know, more? How is that possible? We've seen the game basically from top to bottom three times. Review: 1/5: As you can possibly tell, the news from Sony is pretty thin. But at least they are trying. Which is much more to say than a certain money lined pocketed, Kyoto based gaming company. Randomness: The amount of letters in this article is no where close to the amount of revisions of the PS3 console there has been since release.
That's the big three of the gaming world. But what about E3's coverage? Websites like IGN created a complete subdomain to cover the gaming event whilst blogs like Kotaku allowed coverage to drown their normal posts on the main website. BBC TV show Click dedicated an entire episode to the event. Us? We did nothing and that's probably because we're not a gaming news website.
However the major reason for this topic in my article is the never ending onslaught of "E3 sucked" posts on the internet. E3 sucked because everyone analysed every single picture, news article and crumb they could in the event. "But Dee surely that's the point?" No. This stops games flying under the radar and becoming huge hits. Which is always great. And the constant "Here's Why E3 sucked" post are just as annoying. We get it! This year was far from perfect. So next year, don't blanket cover the event. Instead cover E3 lightly, casually, friendly... just like the Xbox 360.
And yes, I do understand (and accept) the irony of this post.
**Keep this in mind next time he changes his font color** Green - I love you! Blue - I'm cool Purple - I'm Sexy Pink - I'm gay Red - I'm feeling romantic Yellow - I'm happy Orange - I'm a psycho Aqua - I'm sad Black - I'm falling in love with you
**What He Says...What he means** He Says: "I gotta go, I'll call u later" He means: "Be lucky if I ever call again!" He says: "I just wanna be friends" He means: "Thats the excuse I could think of not 2 go out with you"> He says: "Lets go back to my place" He means: "Lets get it on!" He says: "I like those pants!" He means: "I wonder how fast I can get them off of you!" He says: "You look a lot better this year!" He means: "Last year you were a dog!" He says: ! "Yea, you look cute, I guess" He means: "You are butt ugly! He says: "I like your shirt a lot" He means: "I like whats under more!"
I got that from Lauren. Now, the font colour thing is absolutely pathetic in my eyes. Green font means something?! What!? I only thought people use green font just to make it look pretty! But oooooh no, it's got a whole HIDDEN MEANING!
As for blue - I used that a while, which may even signal that this chainletter is slightly accurate. However, coupled with the 'Pink' statement, of claiming that anyone who types in pink is 'gay', well:
Mind you, these colour things ain't anything out of the normal. All the rest of 'em ('red = romantic' et cetera) are typical things which you would expect out of colours anyway. However, I do not change my font colour very often, and if I ever do - it's so it looks better than it already is. So, I suppose this applies to me:
'Black - I'm falling in love with you.'
I'm so sorry everyone who reads my blog! But I'm falling in love with you ALL according to this statement! WOE IS ME!
Pft!
There's obviously quite a few colour connotations that the writer of this chainletter forgot to add, for instance:
I've always found hot pink to be the colour of fat American 40 year olds in vests and sweatpants covered in bits of fried chicken while pretending to be 14 year old "xxhotgurrrl4uxx". ANECDOTE ALERT: I remember this one time where I, personally, knew a girl to be American and FAT AS HELL (usually down to Kentucky Fried Chicken and suchlike). So anyway, I asked for her picture, and she reluctantly showed it to me. Viewing that picture was the biggest mistake of my life, for it still makes my eyes bleed just thinking about it. For the photo featured what seemed to be three GIANT pieces of lard, all in hotpants. I asked:
"You're the middle one, right?"
She said:
"No, the one on the end."
I replied, bemused:
"But that one is a man."
Moving on, someone who uses brown font usually means:
"I take it up the ass."
The browner the font is, the more anally experienced they are. On a similar note, dark yellow suggests:
"GOLDEN SHOWERS ALL THE WAY, BABY!"
In contrast to the first section being an inaccurate PIECE OF SHIT, the second is far more realistic. Of course, a guy like myself would rather say what I feel out loud, rather than use this 'extensive' guide to figure it out. Meh! However, they forgot to mention one simple thing:
He says: A/S/L He Means: I'm gonna find you, lock you in a cabin and make you my bitch Or offer you a beer when you turn out to be "xxhotgurrrl4uxx".
But due to popular demand, I'm putting a link to my SwitchPod/Podcasting account. I'd like to warn all my die-hard fans that if you love my grand taste in written satire and use of the English language - you're going to be officially screwed over by my podcasts. They feature, for definate, the more... eccentric side of me. Heck, half of the current ones this audience won't even be able to understand (i.e, the World of Warcraft related ones). But reception so far has been good, so keep it that way.
Written by: Melaisis Dirk Valentine and the Fortress of Steamis an action platformer with a handsome retro pixel art style. Is it me or are the artists at eBoy is a big, big influence on all the games at Nitrome?
The game is pretty straight forward. Dirk shoots killer chains at enemies, collects medals and frees prisoners that he finds as he explores the eponymous fortress. In certain places Dirk cans shoot chains to create platforms that will help him jump up to out-of-the-way places. And, apart from the fact that the game makes excellent use of the "Wilhelm scream" that's all you need to know. Get in there and save the world.
Something for your lunch break, now, as I direct you all over to 'Typical Teen Behaviours' (and solutions, I presume). It's a site about how to deal with your teenager when he or she acts like... er... a teenager. Yeah, thanks for that.
Hey again guys; today I'm posting ahead of our actual main 'daily post'. Continuing with this week's theme of unique, original introductions of new staff writers; I'm presenting Raihan - both a budding blogger and a great storyteller. Over the next few weeks (as a kind of 'pilot' programme) she'll be posting two articles, on separate days (usually Friday and Saturday) for your reading pleasure. One of these columns will be focused around her own rants and current issues (like Thor's) and the other will be an ongoing story. With any luck, anyway.
Written by: Thor ('ello, 'ello, who's this Thor then? Norse God? How did he get on the web? Very odd, that.)
Ah, yes, hello there. It's me - Thor. Which won't mean a great deal to those you unfamiliar with Templar Truths' attempt to unmask Temple Moor High School's idiocy. But all you need to know is that I'm not the one who writes about Lost. In fact, I don't know what I'll write about. Sticking to a pattern might be sensible, but it's not how I'm going to do things. On with the show (which in future weeks will cover such diverse, edgy topics as REM's appearance on The Muppets and whether sudoku is better than the classic crossword - perhaps)...
I thought I might as well kick off with a rant, hiding in a façade of current affairs. So what's that then? SATs. They're in the news right now, and you won't be surprised to find out it's because the people who mark exams are useless.
The task was this year moved from Edexcel, who did a shoddy job of it, to an American firm called ETS. The way they decided it would be best to mark SATs is by computer. This means an examiner sits at the computer screen reading scanned versions and dishing out the marks. Now, I don't know the ins and outs of what happened, but essentially, it went tits up.
Markers couldn't access papers, marks got delivered late and various other slip-ups have lead to this year's SATs being branded farcical. But once you take a step back and analyse this, you realise that actual it doesn't matter.
It completely doesn't matter in the slightest. SATs, I maintain, are a waste of everybody's time. If - on the off chance - Ed Balls* is reading this, then I hope he'll scrap them. Doubtful, yes, but who knows...?
Basically, SATs examine children and assess them in levels that consist of a number (3 to 8; higher numbers better) and an A (top of the level), B (average in the level) and C (just in the level). All these levels ever tell you are that the smart kids are being smart and the ones that aren't smart aren't doing as well (we can't call them thick, by the way). But honestly, why do we need these? Teachers can't teach properly because they're busy teaching to the exam and not making sure the children learn. This slowly becomes habit in scholary life, unfortunately. Kids are stressed out, worrying if they get a good enough grade to hit whatever target they've got.
This then means that no-one gets any real learning done, and people are categorised unnecessarily. It may help with grouping students in ability-specific classes, but I'm sure we don't need national exams to do that. Even if you accept that, and even if you think exam-training is a good thing, there's one thing you're forgetting...
...they don't matter. Go on, put it on your CV. Along with GCSE and A-Level grades, stick on your SATs results. You'll just look like you're trying to convince your prospective employer that you've got more qualifications, or you'll look like you're bragging about exams no-one cares about. They won't get you a job at all. SATs are superfluous, and if they're scrapped it will be a miracle. We've got people in power who know nothing, ensuring that future generations will know nothing, too. Its a wunder I can right inglish, rly.
*The current Minister of Education, whose surname does not at all suit a job with youngsters.
In the on going (and ever failing) attempt to make you, the reader, like us and come back to more often, the Three Rs is going to become a daily updated blog.
How are we going to do said feet of excellence? Why of course! We get someone else to do it! So starting hopefully soon each day will have a new post from a different member. Who are the new members? Well our kooky friends, Thor and Morty or is that Flosh? (I am confused) from Templar Truths are taking the challenge! And yes, before you ask... Templar Truths is indeed Richard Whiteley. Everyone is basically allocated a day, my day is Sunday. That's not to say that you'll never get me posting on a Tuesday, Wednesday or maybe even a Saturday, it just means that I'll definitely post on my day; Sunday.
So let's hope you lot take note and actually read some posts!
Hmm, Still not sure about that Richard Whiteley joke... It's really in bad taste. And I truly feel awful about it. It's weird actually, had it been a Holocaust or Chernobyl joke I would of left it without thinking twice. However due to it being the "Twice Nightly, Whiteley" I feel the urge to change it...
Pity she can't 'start her music career all over'. Or something.
Ahem.
Anyway, I've been wondering all week if the following video is actually taken in all one shot or not. Of course its obvious at one point some serious green-screening goes on, but that doesn't mean that they didn't simply all do it in one round and simply add in the SFX on top. Anyway, check it out:
Secondly, this week should see former Templar Truth writers Thor and Morty premier on The Three Rs with their respective weekly posts. I look forward to seeing them, gentlemen.
The other day I bought Hitman: Blood Money on the PS2 for £35.00. I traded it back in the next day. It took me four hours of solid gametime to complete the entire game. Then again, the Hitman series has always been a succession of short games with 'varied' storylines. This time, they really pushed the boat out to make the plot interesting. Indeed, the designers of Hitman royally fucked it up this time.
Agent 47 dies.
The storyline is played out between missions (and there's only like, 13 of these, mind). As fucking usual, the missions have nothing to do with the storyline featured in the 'present day' between them. In the main plot, an ex-CIA head talks to a journalist about Agent 47 (Hitman) and his life. Now, those of you who have played Contracts may recall a level at the end of that where 47 is being hunted down by all the SWAT teams in France. Not only do we play the level which was supposed to come before that 'hunt' - but we also discover why 47 is so wanted.
Because he's a fucking clone! What a surprise! We already knew that, morons!
Of course 47 makes the ideal template for an uber military force, but I doubt the assassin will allow himself to be experimented on - in fact, it turns out the asylum you bust out of during Contracts is actually down to 47 killing his creators and any surviving clones of himself.
If you're still following, congratulations.
So, that's why 47 is so damn wanted. The storyline in Blood Money expands from that, but really ruins the series; It is made clear from the start that there is a mole in the Agency (i.e, the guys who receive the contracts and pass them onto 47) and by the second-to-last level, there's only Diana and 47 left in the Agency anyway. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Diana betrays the Agency and kills 47. I didn't just make that up. She really does!
After all of that, though, you still don't see her face.
In gameplay terms, it doesn't live up to expectations. When Blood Money was released, it boasted infinite ways to kill a target and all new customisable weapons. Well, there's really only two main routes to every mission/level to kill your main target/s:
Method A: Stealthy way.
Method B: All-guns-blazing way.
We were assured if the player picked the latter then we would 'gain a reputation' and shit. Not really, because even if you do choose Method B, you tend to kill everyone on the level and have time to pick up the CCTV tapes regardless, leaving no witnesses and thus no reputation gain. With the former method, you just have to change disguises every two seconds and walk everywhere until you can find a way to poison/snipe/strangle your target/s in a small room such as a toilet. It seems that every damn target in the entire game seems to have a weak bladder and often enters bathrooms alone. Without the hundreds of bodyguards which are more than happy to wait outside. Meh. UNORIGINAL!
The customisable weapons are just something for the player to burn his or her money on, in reality. As far as preferences go, 'laser sight or no laser sight' is about as advanced as it gets.
Pft. Don't play it. Not even for the fucking up of the storyline.
End your week off the way you used to with this charming clip from an upcoming episode of Sesame Street. In this leaked snippet from an unreleased episode of Sesame Street that is set to air this August, Juno Award-winning singer-songwriter Feist reworks her 2007 hit "1234" into an inspirational celebration of counting to the number four. Never befour has counting to four been so hip. Enjoy.
A few weeks back I posted a video about FarCry II from a recent European press conference, pointing out the horrible, headache-inducing flaws in his presentation. At this year's E3, Will Wright has done the superb thing and demonstrated how to present games: With jokes, with connection with the audience, by simply knowing what he's talking about:
I loathe society. Despite being classified as a 'Townie', I still loathe my domain. Why? Because it's fecked.
Well, alright, that was stating the obvious, but I mean, properly fecked, due to Disney movies and Shakespeare. Ladies and hairy arm-pitted men, today I'd like to talk about 'love'.
Love is a word thrown around a lot nowadays by people my age. We're getting into late teen years and quite frankly, everyone is a bit horny. We all want sex, and we want it now. Of course, there's nothing wrong with this, especially if you're able to do 300 girls a night with just 1 packet of Trojan Deluxe (personal record, of course). The slutness of teenagers is over-done enough by bloody Trevor McDonald and RE teachers, so I won't go totally into that. But whilst a typical member of the teenage population is going through 4834537436743 partners each year, they forget something very important:
It's just lust, you horny bastards.
However, the idea of 'love' never seems to leave the teenage vocabulary. 'Love' is a feeling felt by only a small percentage of the overall population. Eventually, most people get together out of capability or just out of a grand friendships. So, if a small percentage of all people find themselves in true love, how come every other bloody teenager from age around 13-17 claims they are in love? That, is puberty-instated hormones, people. That being nature's fail-safe to prevent the extinction of the human race.
Yet 'love' is still tossed around all too frequently by outsiders. In Romeo and Juliet and a lot of Disney movies (excluding good ones such as the Lion King and... er... Alice in Wonderland), the two main characters/lovers have only known each other for a few days. Now this sort of stuff is pumped into kids from a young age, so it's no wonder that what they recognize to be love is actually lust, a few years later.
Don't even get me started on 'friendly love'. I mean, DOUBLE-U TEE EFF!?
So, have you seen the limted edition DS' in Japan? Yeah... I know right! They are better than anything we get over here. Unless you are from Japan then ignore this post and stop feeling so proud about yourself.
So I emailed Nintendo about the topic, here's my email.
Hello.
My name is Dietrich Jeffreys and I am emailing you on the topic of the Nintendo DS.
In the country of Japan available to the market is an abundance of limited edition colourings of the DS. However most of these limited editions are unavailable in the rest of the World.
I don't believe that a good enough reason has been given to why exactly they are not available. During the resurgence of the Nintendo Game Boy Advance, limited edition colourings sold at a respectable rate. So Nintendo, Why are there no limited edition versions of the DS in the rest of the World.
Thank you in anticipation,
Dietrich Jeffreys
I know, I really let myself go with this one. But it's Nintendo... I'm sure it'll get marked as spam or just plain ignored. But as you should of surmised I did get a reply...
Dear Dee, thank you for your e-mail.
I am sorry that you do not accept the reasoning that you have been given before but each of the areas around the World are largely antonymous and if a business decision is taken not to release a special colour or edition in the applicable territory then there is nothing that any other area can do about it.
Kind regards,
Your Nintendo Team
Well... their you go. And hey Kotaku/DS fan boy before you steal this post... tell me. Or at least link to us. Oh wait, that won't happen this post is boring.
I dug up this little gem on 'The Weird Blog' (http://www.notweird.com). It is a clip from the 2005 AFI Life Achievement Award: A Tribute to George Lucas show a while back. If you've ever wondered where I got my inspiration from, here it is - as William Shatner sings to George Lucas:
A basic complication of sex-related terms and other shennigans taken from this thread, entitled 'Describe Your Sex Life With A Term From WoW'. Don't worry if you don't get all (or any) of 'em; especially if you don't play. Here are some of my favourites:
'You must be in a group to enter this instance.'
'Dirty deeeeeeeeds.'
'No suitable corpses nearby.'
'Your mining skill has increased to 69.'
'LFG Gnomer backdoor, got key.'
'You are already mounted.'
'"Van Cleef pay BIG for your head"'
'"Too soon, Executus! Too soon!"'
'You do not have permission to loot that.'
In the same vein as the Blogger Buzz posts, here are some changes recently made.
-Mentions of Lost Together, Blog Alon3 have all but gone. If I've missed any, please leave a comment.
-Res3.net has been added to the N3twork bar and the Links section.
-At the bottom of post pages "Leave your response" now reads "Leave Your Response?"
-On the main page, under each post where Author and Comment Number is told, a new emphasis of you commenting has been added.
-...That's it.
Yeah, that did suck but it's changes none the less.
So about four months after the Yanks we finally get our hands on Super Smash BrothersBrawl. Now we all know how good the other two Smash Brothers were so I’m not going to rant on about how many hours were lost in my bedroom spamming Captain Falcon’s signature move whilst still managing to be knocked off the map by that little twat we all know as Kirby, that pink prick really did and still does suck…The one thing that Nintendo have added to Brawl that sets it apart from the others is the story mode known as “The Subspace Emissary”, now the official Smash Brothers website claims that “the Subspace Emissary is a robust side-scrolling action game!”. No shit Nintendo, who would have guessed that the latest addition to a side scrolling action game would be an element of side scrolling action?
I have not yet completed this “robust side-scrolling action game” because if I wanted to play a “robust side-scrolling action game” I would load up my SNES (and by SNES I mean the emulator I have on my PSP) and I’d play the Mario All Stars.
(However my friend has completed it and says it’s good, so I will take his word for it and so should you)
This isn’t to say that Brawl is a let down because saying such a thing would be just be wrong, nearly as wrong as making me work to unlock Captain Falcon. Thankfully Nintendo have decided to keep in the Classic Mode, the one where you kick the living shit out of numerous enemy’s occasionally with the help of a brain dead AI character only to face the single most creative boss ever in gaming history… the big white glove-thing. Out of all the villains Nintendo have come up with over the years you would have assumed that they would have the ability to come up with something slightly more imaginative than a big fuck off white glove, Its got to be said though, that glove has touched me and many other kids all over the world in ways no other final boss could even dream of.
The character selection is the area that I think shines the most in Brawl, you’ve got a broad selection ranging classics such as Mario and link to newcomers such as Snake and the long awaited… Pikmin and Olimar *cough*. However I’m still confused to why the hell Ness and Lucas are in there. I mean let’s be honest; who plays as them? If you had to choose between either Ness or Lucas surely any sane person would go for the third option? However mistakes such as this are easily forgotten the first time you see Captain Falcon’s Final Smash, because if you thought his Falcon Punch was good then just wait until you see this, it could be compared to rape, however depending on what floats your boat there's not much sexual tension.
The final smashes are a refreshing touch to the game's already highly enjoyable and addictive game play, they range from temporary increases in power and strength to the summoning of meteor storms and even gigantic tanks. It could be said that these final smash’s give the player an unfair advantage but this isn’t uncommon in the Mario franchise (blue shells anyone?) the fact that all players must compete for the final smash means that if your good enough to get to the final smash before the other players then you have the right to use Giga Bowser to lay down some Giga Bowser Rape.
“This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this”
Overall I think that (despite pointing out the aspects that piss me off the most) SuperSmash Brothers Brawl is an exquisite game and is without question one of the best games of 2008. Its gameplay is better then it’s predecessors and it still remains to be one of those games that you can pick up play and lose your self in for hours on end. I emphasize now that the flaws that I have picked out do not effect the gaming experience at all they just give it a new twist and me been a stubborn old bastard I’m reluctant to accept such changes. Like a heroin addiction, this game will leave you wanting more and more every time you load it up. Unlike a heroin addiction it won’t leave you with diarrhea, convulsions, vomiting, and uncontrollable body movements.
Wii Ware: the Wii games for "Geeks and Otaku"? I won't add my two cents but let's say that flash memory is simply not enough for some of great offerings on the system and possibly not so good games. Today's review talks about a game that possibly may drop in between both of those headings. My Pokémon Ranch. The basic concept is simply "It's ranch and you have Pokémon in it." The game does exactly what you would expect it to do, without really pushing the bar at all, mearly watching the bar from a safe distance.
And to your left is... a Pikachu
The games main mechanic is the transfer of Pokémon from Pearl & Diamond to the Ranch. Which... isn't that interesting in honesty. The game comes alive with trading with Haley and her missions. The missions are played in your DS game and transferred across, usually about capturing Pokémon you don't have in your game. So that does come in handy... who'd of known Qwilfish could by caught at Iron Island with the Super Rod? The reward with all missions is a trade with Haley for her Pokémon which range from tough to easy Pokémon to capture/evolve in the DS games. Before revealing the main reason most people will buy this game. After 999 Pokémon are deposited she will trade you for a Mew... yes, A REAL MEW!
...Yeah. Because that's a Mew...
So, taking into account what I've just said, here's my actual review of My Pokémon Ranch. 1000 Wii Points buy you a Mew for your DS game, with some other Pokémon of varying interest as well, without having to go to a Nintendo Event. Other Pokémon include Phione, Tangela and Vulpix.
Written by: Dee4leeds
...Well. I know. It's been way too long since I should of posted this. But I don't care. That's right someone of the internet dosen't care.
In the Orchid's GreenhouseJack and Sawyer catch up with Hurley at the Orchid. Locke is trying to locate the elevator to the underground area. Locke tells Jack that he has to lie when he gets off the Island to protect it. Locke also tries to persuade Jack to stay on the Island and fulfill his destiny, suggesting that the Island is a place where miracles happen. Jack argues that there are no such things as miracles, and chooses to leave with Hurley and Sawyer for the helicopter, although Hurley warns them that Keamy and his men were headed there.At the helicopterBen is taken by Keamy to the helicopter, where they find Frank still handcuffed, but trying to free himself with aid of the toolbox. As Keamy begins to question him about who gave him the toolbox, Kate comes running out of the jungle. When asked by Keamy why she was running she claims to be being chased by "his people", pointing to Ben. Keamy orders two members of his team to search the jungle, as he and the remaining team form a perimeter. Keamy orders Kate onto her knees next to Ben, with whom she exchanges knowing glances. As the team searches the jungle, the Whispers are heard by everyone immediately before the Others quickly ambush and begin eliminating the mercenaries. The Others then begin to trade gunfire with Keamy his remaining team, while Frank, Kate, and Ben take cover. One of the mercenaries is incapacitated with an electrical stunning weapon, while Keamy takes cover behind a large rock. Kate tells Ben to stay close, then gives him the cue to run into the jungle. As Keamy breaks cover to chase Ben and Kate, Frank yells, "Grenade!", as one lands at Keamy's feet. He kicks it away and dives back behind the rock. The grenade inadvertently lands at Omar's feet, killing him in the resulting explosion. As the debris settles, Keamy stands, and after presumably realizing he had just unintentionally killed Omar, grunts in anger and chases after Ben and Kate. As Keamy nearly catches them, Sayid tackles him and the two engage in a fierce fist fight. During the fight, they both desperately try to reach Keamy's gun. At one point, Sayid manages to get it and point it at Keamy, only to have it kicked out of his hands. As they grapple to again retrieve the gun, Sayid quickly unsheathes the combat knife strapped to Keamy's leg and stabs him in the side of his torso, between his body armor. This only infuriates Keamy, who then beats Sayid to the ground. As he bends over to retrieve his knife, Sayid hits him from behind with a tree branch. The fight continues, and eventually Keamy gains the advantage, pinning Sayid and strangling him with the tree branch. Just as Keamy appears to be killing Sayid with the branch, Richard Alpert arrives and shoots Keamy four times in the back. The rest of the Others emerge out of the Jungle, as Ben and Kate come running back. Kate helps Sayid to his feet and Ben thanks Richard for coming, who tersely responds, "Our pleasure." Kate then picks up Keamy's bloody combat knife and Ben asks her to cut him free from his restraints. After an awkward pause, she does so, as Ben asks Richard nonchalantly over his shoulder, "What was the arrangement?" Richard replies, "They help us free you, we let them off the Island." Ben quickly replies, "Fair enough", tells Kate and Sayid that the helicopter is theirs, wishes them a safe journey back, and turns to leave. Kate and Sayid are understandably surprised, and Kate asks nervously, "So we can go... off the Island? That's it?" Ben stops, turns to face them, and after another awkward pause, he concisely replies, "That's it." Kate and Sayid then return to the helicopter, while Ben returns to the Orchid.On the freighterMichael finds a canister of liquid nitrogen and, after explaining his plan to Jin and Desmond, sprays the nitrogen on the bomb's battery to freeze it and prevent electric current from igniting the C-4 Desmond found rigged to the boat. While he buys time before the bomb goes off, Desmond and Jin frantically search for a way to safely disarm the explosives.On the beachDaniel comes back from the freighter with an empty raft. He tells Juliet about the freighter and how it is going to try to get as close as possible. Dan goes to get water while Juliet is getting the next group ready. She thanks him for helping the survivors. Meanwhile, Miles is helping himself to food supplies under Rose's watchful eye. Charlotte is packing her bag. Dan arrives and tells the two of them that he is going to leave in 10 minutes and they need to be on the boat. Miles tells him that, despite knowing that the situation is dire, he is going to stay. Daniel then leaves on the raft. Miles is surprised that Charlotte wants to leave the Island, after all that time she spent "trying to get back" here. Charlotte asks what he means, but Miles is evasive. Some time later, Charlotte approaches Dan and tells him that she is going to stay on the Island "for now". Dan points out that "now" on the Island could mean "forever." Charlotte replies "Would it make any sense if I told you I'm still looking for where I was born?" They part affectionately and Daniel, now alone, goes back on the crowded raft. Juliet tells Dan that she will not leave the Island until everyone is safe aboard the freighter, reassuring Dan that "we'll still be here when you get back". Daniel seems troubled. He boards the raft with a few survivors, and they leave for the freighter.On the helicopterFrank, Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Sayid and Hurley board the helicopter and take off to the freighter. Along the way, Frank notices that the helicopter is leaking gas, from a stray bullet hole. Because fuel is so low, Frank doesn't think they'll make it to the freighter. He tells them to throw out anything that isn't bolted down. The passengers follow his orders, but he claims that "losing another few hundred pounds wouldn't hurt." Hurley is visibly distressed. After sizing up the situation, Sawyer whispers in Kate's ear something inaudible, kisses her, and jumps from the helicopter, enabling the rest of the passengers to make it to the freighter.In the OrchidBen finds Locke with Jack. Locke is unable to locate the entrance to the elevator because he doesn't know what anthuriums look like. Locke has not yet explained to Jack that they are going to move the Island but there is no time. Ben shows Locke the anthuriums, they enter the elevator, and descend. Locke and Ben exit the elevator and find themselves in the Orchid Station. As they walk inside, Locke observes the various equipment and a nearby television. He looks to Ben and asks "is this the magic box?" Ben looks back at Locke with an absurd look and answers "no". Ben then offers Locke a video tape to answer all his questions about the station. Locke puts it in the television and Dr. Edgar Halliwax appears. In the video, Halliwax explains that The Orchid is not really a botanical research station. Instead, The Orchid was designed to investigate 'unique properties' of the Island, it is these properties create a kind of Casimir Effect. He points to a white triangular door, calling it the vault. Halliwax explains that the vault was constructed adjacent to what they believe to be a pocket of negatively charged exotic matter. Halliwax then warns the viewer never to place any metal objects inside the vault. Halliwax then places a white rabbit inside the vault, closing the doors and stating that they will send it 100 milliseconds into the future. Then the VCR starts rewinding by itself. Locke looks at Ben and sees him piling metal objects inside the vault. The elevator starts to ascend suddenly and Ben asks Locke if he can have his weapon back. The elevator descends again and opens to reveal Keamy - still alive. Keamy pulls out a knife and carefully enters The Orchid. He begins to explain to Ben, who is hiding away, that if Ben kills him the entire freighter will be destroyed and many innocent people killed. While he is speaking, the Orchid orientation video is running properly and is visible in the background on the monitor on which Locke had been viewing it earlier; Halliwax's subdued voice is detectable at one point. Keamy begins to mock Alex's death, but suddenly Locke appears. Locke explains that he has no conflict with Keamy and that Keamy should allow the innocent people on the freighter to live. Ben, noticing Keamy is distracted, charges out with his collapsible baton and attacks, knocking the knife from Keamy's hand. Once Keamy is knocked down, Ben grabs Keamy's fallen knife and starts stabbing him repeatedly. Locke pulls him off in an attempt to save Keamy and those on the freighter, but the damage is done and Keamy is left dying. Keamy tells Ben that Widmore will find him. Ben replies, "Not if I find him first." Despite Locke's best efforts to save him, Keamy dies. Locke tells Ben that he just killed everyone on the freighter, to which Ben coldly responds, "So?"Back on the freighterWhen Keamy died, the bomb was armed, but did not explode immediately because of Michael's ingenuity in keeping the battery cool with the nitrogen. With the bomb armed, Jin told Desmond to leave and stayed behind to attempt to determine a way to disarm the bomb. Michael realized there wasn't much liquid nitrogen left and told Jin that he should leave the boat because he will soon be a father. As the helicopter arrived at the freighter, Desmond was frantically waving at them and warning them there was a bomb about to go off. Frank landed anyway, and hurriedly started to fill up the tank and patching the leak. Everyone got back on board, including Sun and Desmond. Sun begged her fellow passengers to wait for Jin. Jin tried to run to safety, but he missed the helicopter as Frank took off immediately after refueling. Sun became frantic as Jin yelled for rescue from the freighter deck. Christian Shephard appeared in the room containing the explosives, telling Michael, "You can go now...". The Kahana exploded, presumably killing Michael and everyone else on board. From the helicopter, Sun cried out in desperation over the apparent loss of her husband.On the beachJuliet is on the beach, alone, with a bottle of rum. Sawyer arrives on the beach after having leaped from the helicopter. Seeing the bottle, he asks what Juliet is celebrating. Juliet tells him that she is not celebrating and points to the smoke emanating from the destroyed freighter.In the OrchidAfter killing Keamy, Ben operates the Vault console and the metal inside creates an explosion, opening a hole in the rear, where Ben seeks to go. Locke stops him and demands to know why Ben killed Keamy, knowing it would end the lives of many innocent people on the freighter. Ben admits it was the wrong thing to do and that his grief over Alex clouded his judgment. Ben tells Locke not to make the same mistakes as the new leader. Locke is subsequently confused. Ben tells him that there is a price to pay to move the Island. The person that moves it must leave it and never return there. Locke is reluctant to let Ben leave but Ben offers a handshake, apologizing for all the misery he has inflicted on Locke. Locke accepts the handshake and Ben, wearing a dark shirt that he was seen wearing when he appeared in the desert ("The Shape of Things to Come") and Halliwax's parka, darts off into the vault. Inside, the explosion has created a jagged opening into a long, low passageway in the rock behind the vault. Ben clears the opening, then enters the passage until he reaches a ladder, which he descends. At the bottom of the ladder, Ben breaks a layer of ice revealing another old and damaged wooden ladder. While descending further, a rung breaks and he falls down, cutting his right arm and ripping his jacket, possibly with his crowbar. At this point his condition appears to be identical to the condition he was in when he appeared in the Sahara Desert. Ben finds himself inside a dark and icy room, where stones are covered in hieroglyphs. There, across from Ben, is a wall with a large wheel. After looking up and declaring, "I hope you're happy now, Jacob," Ben proceeds to turn the wheel, though with great physical and emotional difficulty. The more the wheel is turned, the brighter the room becomes. Outside, the entire Island emanates an otherworldly noise and the sky turns purple. Suddenly, a light envelops the Island and everything within the light disappears.Back on the helicopterWhile the helicopter is heading back to the Island, a bright light floods the sky and the Island vanishes. Low on fuel and with nowhere to land, Frank tells them to put on life-jackets and prepare for impact. Sayid throws a life raft into the water moments before impact. After the crash, the survivors swim towards the inflated raft. Frank rescues Desmond, who is floating face down in the water. Desmond is not breathing, but Jack resuscitates him.After the Island is movedJack, Kate, Aaron, Sayid, Hurley, Sun, Frank and Desmond continue to float on the life-raft. Everyone is quiet until Hurley observes that "Locke moved the Island". Jack becomes agitated and disagrees. As the two argue, Frank notices a nearby light and realizes it is a ship. Everyone begins shouting and the ship begins pulling up beside the life-raft. At this point Jack suddenly remembers Locke telling him to lie about what has happened to them, realizes that it must be done, and hastily shares this plan with the Others in the life raft. Onboard the Searcher, a crewman, who is actually Henrik from the listening station, frantically moves back and forth and calls out for "Ms. Widmore." Penelope exits the bridge to see what was happening. Desmond hears Penny's voice as she directs the Searcher crewmen to help the people aboard the raft. He calls up to her, "Penny!" and jumps onto some netting to pull himself up to the ship and rushes to meet Penelope on the deck. Reunited, Desmond quickly introduces Penelope to the others from the life raft. Jack tells Penelope seriously that they need to talk. A week later, the Oceanic Six prepare to depart from Penelope's freighter with a well established cover story, while Desmond and Frank stay behind. Jack tells Desmond to be careful now that they know what Widmore is capable of, then quotes Desmond — "See you in another life, brother." The Oceanic Six get on the life-raft and head for the Island of Sumba. Jack's FlashforwardPicking up exactly where the final scene of "Through the Looking Glass" left off, with Jack calling after Kate's car "We have to go back!", Kate reverses the car, gets out, and confronts Jack. She condemns Jack for wanting to go back to the Island, for calling her for 2 days straight while high on pills and for showing her the obituary for Jeremy Bentham. She explains that Jeremy Bentham had met with her and she knew from the first moment that he was crazy, and that she can't believe Jack would trust him. Jack says he listened to Bentham because he was told that it was the only way to save Kate and Aaron. Kate slaps him for abandoning Aaron and tells him not to even say his name again. Jack tries to apologize, but Kate tells him she spent the last three years trying to forget all the horrible things that happened on the day that they left. She tells him she won't go back, gets back in the car and speeds away.Hurley's FlashforwardWalt visits Hurley in the mental institution, with his grandmother standing by to make sure Hurley isn't "dangerous." Walt asks why nobody came to visit him after their rescue. Hurley apologizes, but Walt adds that one person did come to see him: Jeremy Bentham. Walt asks why the Oceanic Six are all lying. Hurley whispers that they are lying to protect the people that remained on the Island. "Like my dad?" asks Walt. "Like your dad, yeah," replies a visibly nervous Hurley.Sayid's FlashforwardSayid arrives at Hurley's mental institution late at night and executes a man in the parking lot. Sayid finds Hurley playing chess, apparently alone, opposite an empty chair. Sayid wants Hurley to come with him, "somewhere safe." Hurley replies that he has not seen Sayid in "like forever" and doesn't understand why he should join him. Sayid replies that "circumstances have changed": Bentham is dead, having supposedly killed himself two days ago. Hurley does not want to call Bentham by this alias and is about to call him by his real name when Sayid stops him, adding that they are being monitored. Hurley says that he has been having regular conversations with dead people, and the last thing he needs was paranoia. Sayid replies that he has just killed a man who had been watching Hurley for a week and that paranoia keeps him alive. Sayid assures Hurley that they are not going back to the Island, merely "somewhere safe". Hurley accepts, but just as he is about to leave the room, he makes one more move on his chessboard and says, "Checkmate, Mr. Eko."Sun's FlashforwardSun approaches a restaurant in London while talking to her mother and Ji Yeon Kwon, now speaking, on the phone. Charles Widmore emerges from the restaurant. Sun approaches him and presents herself as the daughter of Paik, and the managing director of Paik Industries. Widmore recognizes the name and inquires about her father. Sun confronts Widmore with the knowledge that he is aware of her true identity, adding that Widmore knows that the Oceanic Six have been lying about their experiences. She then suggests that she and Widmore have common interests. She gives him her Paik business card, suggesting he call when ready to talk. Finally she reminds Widmore that the Oceanic Six "are not the only ones who left the Island." Widmore, surprised, asks why she would want to cooperate with him. Without answering, she leaves.Kate's FlashforwardKate wakes in her home to the sound of footsteps, but sees no one. The phone rings. A male voice, speaking in reverse, says, "The Island needs you. You have to go back before it's too late." She hears footsteps again and retrieves a gun from her closet. Checking on Aaron, she confronts the intruder bent over his bed, only to find that it is Claire, who is holding Aaron's hand. She warns Kate not to bring "him" back to the Island. Suddenly Kate wakes, realizes she had been dreaming, and quickly checks on Aaron; there is no intruder and no sign of Claire. She then looks at Aaron and says "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."Jack's FlashforwardJack, still apparently drunk and high, drives to the funeral parlor after hours. He breaks in and approaches the casket, noticing that no one has yet signed the release form for Bentham's body. Ben suddenly enters the room. Jack says that Bentham had told him Ben was off the Island, Jack and Kate having spoken to Bentham about a month prior. Bentham had said that after Jack left the Island "some very bad things happened" and it was Jack's fault for leaving. Bentham added that Jack had to come back. Ben replies that he has heard about Jack riding passenger planes, hoping they'll crash; Ben describes this as "very dark". Ben tells Jack he is here to let him know that the Island won't let him come alone: "all of you have to go back". Jack says he doesn't know where Sayid is, Hurley is mentally unwell, Sun blames Jack for Jin's death, and Kate doesn't even want to talk to him anymore. Ben says that this is the only way: all of them have to do it together, and that Ben has a few ideas about how it is to be done and is willing to help. However he specifies that all of them must return, including the deceased Bentham, who is revealed to be John Locke.
Review
Realtime Rating: 5/5 - A. Ma. Zing!Flashforward Rating: 5/5 - Still wondering about season 5 here...Episode Rating: 5/5 - ...2 months and I still can't sum this episode into one word.
Dee4leeds Note: This is about the 2006 Eurovision Song contest.
As per-usual, I sat down on Saturday evening to watch the most specular, annual, musical event: Eurovision. Now, if any Americans read this blog, you can bugger off now, because, as 'Eurovision' suggests, it only contains countries from Europe. EUROPE IS ACROSS THE OCEAN. THE OCEAN IS THAT BIG WET THING (for the use of the American readers).
You could compare Eurovision to the American baseball 'World Series'. Oh, no you can't - because the World Series only involves one country: The United States.
Anyway, (anti-American angst aside) being British myself, I was obviously rooting for any-other-country-except-France to win. I was lucky, and France even got less points than us! Alas, our entry by 'Daz Sampson' (Who?) was, as predicted, ugly. Ugly in a lot of ways. You can even watch it here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56Ne6F_SWbs
Bleh. Imagine that but infront of thirty thousand eager, fun-loving Greeks. Now you can see how we didn't get any cheers when wonderful 'Daz' came on stage backed by his less-than-fit dancers. I suppose he was supposed to represent the 'pride' of Britain, being a Chav and all. 'Cept he's too old to be a Chav. His backing singers sounded sufficiently pumped up on helium or Prozzak or something, though. Still, if he was supposed to symbolize a Chav-wielding nation, there still shoulda been more 'eh maaaaaaaaates' and swearing within the song.
And here are the clear winners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqBGffYpE9I
Finland, as suggested by that fashionable hat the lead singer is wearing. Yes, Lordi rocked out, hard. Not bad for a pussy, neutral country, eh? They're even dressed up as bad-ass Orcs. Yes, Orcs; they have a World of Warcraft guild for Christ's sake! The crowd obviously love them - the outfits, the song... everything. After all, they've added something which has been missing from Eurovision for half a century:
Testosterone.
Finally, who do I think should of won if not for Lordi and Finland? Easily Lithuania and LT United:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INvYUhf_yAM
Yes, the bald guy did dance like that on the night.
The first trailer for the Max Payne movie is out, and holy crap, is it awesome.
While acknowledging that my opinion may be biased by my appreciation of both the Max Payne games as well as movies in which lots of stuff gets blowed up real good, I stand by my statement of awesomeness and will add that this debut trailer has given my faith in the movie's potential a significant boost. Typical for a movie trailer, it's composed primarily of quick cuts and high-intensity action, but for what little you can see of him, Mark Wahlberg looks and sounds like a better choice for the titular character than most people expected. Mila Kunis, co-starring as contract killer Mona Sax and regarded by most fans as the weakest link in the chain, only appears for a second, and while she doesn't speak she does manage to nail the look of Mona in action.
Even more important, however, is the fact that the trailer "feels" right, and touches on all the big Max Payne elements: A dark, Gothic New York wrapped in a winter nightmare, gravelly narration in the cold, dead voice of a man with nothing to lose and lots of graceful, stylized, explosive action. You can't help but think that whoever made this movie is a fan of the games; it's still early and there's plenty of time for things to go wrong, but this early glimpse makes Max Payne look like the kind of movie Max Payne fans would want to see. And holy crap is it awesome.
But don't take my word for it - check out the trailer yourself on YouTube, and be sure to tell us what you think.
So yeah, me, Sam and Josh went to see Silent Hill this weekend at Xscape. I actually liked the cinemas there, actually. There were a lack of Chavs (well, ignorant, bitchy ones anyway) and most of the cinema staff were actually polite. Which makes a difference from The Light in Leeds.
Cough.
So, after an extra-long piss in the (spotless) men's toilets there, we went in to see the said movie - Silent Hill. I had been awaiting the viewing for quite a while now, as many fellow band chums had been to see it during the week, and had proclaimed to me: "It was really good." Bah. As if.
I think the best way to describe the plotline of the movie is that it... included elements of all three* games. What surprised me in the movie that there were extra characters. Which did feck all for the story, really. Take the first two characters which you meet (other than Rose and her slightly-awkward daughter, Sharon): Rose's husband (who's name escapes me and IMDB, too) and Cybil - the blonde (obviously lesbian) cop.
Let's start with her husband, shall we? Now, he's played by Sean Bean. And that's it. He doesn't actually do anything useful - except confuse me into oblivion. Seriously, about half way through the movie, I was still believing that him and Rose were working together to unveil the mystery of Silent Hill. Yet the most he does is go up to Silent Hill with some strange Italian (who somewhat comes to bare a resemblance to Silent Hill 3's 'Douglas', but that makes no difference) detective (don't ask) and shows it is not misty when he goes (up to the town). Yet when we see Rose in Silent Hill - the place is all misty or demonic.
What the feck?
Besides messing with my belief in all the Silent Hill storylines utterly and completely - Sean Bean does nothing for the movie except break into some random archive place and get arrested. Does he discover anything useful? NO! Go back to being killed by Lurtz, Boromir!
The second 'extra' character which Rose meets out of Silent Hill is a cop named Cybil. My friends and I spent the first five minutes after Cybil's unimpressive entrance still trying to determine if she was a man or a woman. In fact, this only becomes clear when Rose and her are attacked by a fecking acid-vomiting zombie and she strips! FOR FECK'S SAKE! IF I WANTED TO SEE LESBIAN PORN, I'D TYPE IT IN ON GOOGLE! The woman police officer hereby mentioned does nothing for the plotline, either. Except be beaten with crowbars and burned to death by religious fanatics at the end.
As for the rest of the storyline - a full summary is impossible. But I think IMDB does it for me quite well:
Rose cannot accept the knowledge that her daughter Sharon is dying of a fatal disease. Over the protests of her husband, she flees with her child, intending to take the girl to a faith healer. On the way, she ends up driving through a portal in reality, which takes her to the eerie and deserted town of Silent Hill. Sharon disappears in Silent Hill, and Rose follows what she thinks is her daughter's silhouette all over town. It's soon clear the town is not like any place she's ever been. It's inhabited by a variety of creatures and a living darkness that descends and literally transforms everything it touches. The human inhabitants - the ones who are left - are trapped and fighting a losing battle against the Darkness. Joined by a cop named Cybil, who has been sent to bring her and Sharon back, Rose searches for her little girl while learning the history of Silent Hill and that Sharon is just a pawn in a larger game. To save her daughter, Rose makes a deal with a demon in the form of a little girl.....
Personally, I think IMDB is bullshitting, though. Not once is it suggested that Sharon is dying of a 'fatal disease', and infact, the only reason described to us in the movie about why Rose takes her to Silent Hill is that 'it is the place she sees in her dreams'. Neither, is it said that Rose (and presumably Cybill, too) drive through a 'portal in reality' on their way to Silent Hill. If this is true, though, why doesn't her husband and the detective drive through an equal portal on their way up to check out Silent Hill? This still confuses me - as even at the end of the movie Rose and Sharon (her kid) seem to be trapped in a portal out of reality. It's a lame, 'room for a sequel' ending.
My probable last (big) dig at the movie was the lack of enemies from all of the games. Probably the most scary was the sword-wielding Pyramid Head (however, he is not as impressive as in Silent Hill 2) - who was a sort of Cloud/Final Fantasy Seven rip-off. All he does is drag an over-sized sword around with him and feebly attempt to kill Rose and Cybill. At one point, however, I believe he does rip the skin off one of the few surviving human residents of the Hill - but that's just on the command of the Darkness.
Still, for anyone who has played all three (I know there's four but the fourth is cack and doesn't relate to the movie) Silent Hill games, I'll list the mixed references off that many people may have missed:
- The biggest (maybe unintentional) reference to the games is the woman at the end of the movie who is chained to a floating bed mattress. This is the last boss from Silent Hill 2 - although it really commands the Darkness (and doesn't harm Rose or Sharon) in the movie.
- Pyramid Head appears as I have said before. Another Silent Hill 2 reference.
- The characters take the most influence from Silent Hill 3, though. Heather almost is Rose. What leads both characters (from the game and movie respectfully) to Silent Hill are two completely different things - yet they almost look exactly alike.
- The skeptical detective from Silent Hill 3, Douglas, makes a 'sort of' appearance in the movie as the bloke who attempts (and fails miserably) to find Rose alongside her husband. He bares the same scars as Douglas, however.
- A Claudia-like figure from Silent Hill 3 appears in the movie also. They are equally fanatical and the movie's 'Claudia' leads the Silent Hill church.
- And finally, the sorta-but-maybe-not relation to both Rose and Sharon from the movie could be from Silent Hill 1's Harry Mason and Cheryl. At the very beginning of Silent Hill 1, Harry is driving along a highway towards Silent Hill with his daughter (Cheryl). Unluckily for them, half way into their journey, a young girl is seen to be crossing the road directly infront of Harry's car. The car spins violently out of control, and Harry loses consciousness. When he awakens, he finds his car cannot start and his daughter is missing. A direct parallel to the movie.
So, that's it, really. It's worth going to see, if not to be slightly confused by the storyline.
Going on from my last entry, I'm realized something else about forum terminology: Whenever a member (Or even sometimes guest) of a forum makes a thread just to get the whole of the board in outrage, they are known as a forum 'Troll'. This is even worse than 'Grammar Nazi' for Christ's sake! At least - at a push - you can make some sense out of the phrase 'Grammar Nazi'! Let's see what I can find to define 'Troll' then:
This is the Scandanavian term for elf. Sometimes they are described as being hairy and ugly, although they are able to change their shape into anything they please. They are said to have lots of treasure, and live in beautiful palaces.
(www.pixietricks.com/dic/)
...and...
From the fishing term. As a noun, synonymous with flamebait. As a verb, to post controversial or provocative messages in a deliberate attempt to provoke flames.
(teladesign.com/ma-thesis/glossary.html)
Very well, so the second dictionary claims that there is such term as a forum 'Troll' (despite the loose definition). Yet, which definition has the oldest roots? The first. Which one are you ten times more likely to find it in a dictionary? The first. The point is, a forum 'Troll' is nothing but a moronic phrase made up by twats would can't think how to call the creator of a thread an idiot - so 'Troll' comes along. Pft.
So, what does a typical 'Troll' look like? Well, when I searched it in Google images, I got pictures such as the one below (Thanks to Action Studios):
...And only those types of images. Unlike 'Grammar Nazis' no one is really prepared to accept there's variations to the definition of 'Troll'. A Troll is a Troll. A big, ugly goblin-like creature who roams the country-side of the Norseland. Not just a big, ugly, nerd who roams forums in hope of an argument.
Morons! Now J.R.R "The Nazi" Tolkien is rolling in his grave!
I've just dropped in to say, before the arrvial of our 2nd birthday. I shall be doing alot of work here and everywhere around the Three Rs.
To begin the work, I'm refreshing the blogs we use. First for the virtual chopping block is Lost Together, Blog Alon3. I shall be instead just posting Lost reviews just in here instead.
A new look MySpace and YouTube. Hopefully a bigger emphasis on the Content (in all formats.) More guest posts. A new layout? We'll see. Intergration with Yahoo's Buzz service. And hopefully a new monthly section all for you!
Ciao. (And no promises if something never happens!)
Written by: Melaisis
(Ironically) Edited by: Curio
I'm basing this article from a thread I made in a few popular Internet forums over the past week. This explains my views on anti-'Grammar Nazis'. It, of course, also points out, very clearly, that anyone who dares to call someone else a 'Grammar Nazi' is an utter moron. The idiots should re-take history!
Nazi is short for national-socialist. It is the name of the Weimar Republic's most hated political party in the 1920s and the most loved of new Germany's in the 1930s. So, the Nazis were prejudice - but they were prejudice towards disabled people, Jews, and homosexuals! Then is the last time you saw a member of the SS throw anyone in Auschwitz because of their crap grammar!? Ugh! Now, I lot of American dictionaries state a 'Nazi' is often a:
A harshly domineering, dictatorial, or intolerant person.
Fuck you, America (Now I sound like an anti-Bush supporter). Another 'general' term for another 'general' war-starter in Europe. Of course, the term 'Nazi' can refer to simply any moron who thinks he can run a fascist dictatorship in his own back yard. Was Bento Mussolini classed as a 'Nazi'? Nope. Was Ghengis Khan? Nope. Was Dong Zhou? Nope. So how can the term 'Nazi' relate to just anyone who was dominate, dictatorial and intolerant? Oh, that's right! It can't! Nazi is, and always has been short for national-socialist. I don't give a shit about 'Internet slang'. Wonderful - slang which people don't even use in verbal conversation! Of course that's official!
The same definition has appeared in a few English (website-based) dictionaries of late. But of course:
From the Oxford English Dictionary:
Nazi
a member of the far-right National Socialist German Workers' Party
Please - Stop both Hitler and Churchill from stirring in their graves and quit using the phrase 'Grammar Nazi'.
The weirdest bloody behind-the-scenes commentary I have ever seen. The man in the video is called 'Jesse' - he's the director behind The Escapist's new mediocre series, Drawn By Pain. I'm surprised he puts so much thought into his work.
(This is an article I wrote quite a well ago when I first really began satirism. I believe Mr. Bantick and J are the only ones to have seen it since then - until now. It was written when the movie came out, and I'd just been to see it with the Hilton crew)
This weekend I went to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire at my local cinema with my crew. Now, if having Sam 'HP Fanatic' Buckland constantly commenting that "that wasn't in the book" throughout the movie wasn't bad enough, the film itself made it fifty times as bad. Now, in the following entry, I am about to list most of the mistakes which were either incredibly obvious or too unfaithful to the book. If you don't want me to spoil it for you, look away now.
First off is "Lord Voldemort" - the most disappointing book-to-silver screen villain transfer I have ever seen. Ralph Fiennes (i.e. 'He Who Was In Schindler's List') plays the most stupidly funny Dark Lord I've ever witnessed. I presume this is down to the director no one has heard of; as s/he has obviously told Ralph to act like a demented chicken - quite a difference from the dark, child-snatcher-and-eater character portrayed in the novels. However, the result was a character almost as homosexual as Joey from Friends. He looked more like a porn star than an incarnation of pure evil.
This brings me swiftly onto my next point; the women. For the following day after watching the film, my fellow and I companions quoted Cho Chang's Scottish sayings. That's right, Cho Chang's Scottish sayings. Not Chinese. Not Japanese. Not even remotely Asian-like. To add to that, she wasn't even half-decent looking! She is supposed to be the great crush of Harry's life! Not some sort of crappy, fatty rip-off. Her appearance on screen did not make me and my fellow male friends stare, open-jawed at her hotness! Her accent did not entice us into thinking she was actually a decent actress! If anything, we laughed. A lot.
Then there's Fleur. I shall refer to her as 'Fleur' - since she has an irreproducible surname. By the end of the movie, I had gathered the following facts that the writer had so obviously attempted to put across to the audience:
1. She was obviously a lot older than her fellow actors/resses. We know this not because she was better than them, but she obviously had experienced a face-lift.
2. She's blonde. Even if a blind person were to see the movie, they would know she was blonde because of her terrible acting.
3. She wasn't borrowing the family brain cell during filming. For explanation, see above.
Overall, Hermione was the hottest girl out of the cast of one thousand boys and girls. Now, this obviously isn't by accident. Either the director made the other extras so ugly that even Emma Watson would look the best out of them all and/or all of the over actresses hadn't hit the joyful age of 'puberty' as yet. This is clearly because the casting office is full of paedophiles.
Talking of old, undesirable men, the 'new and improved' Dumbledore (since the other one obviously died) is terrible. His acting is about as good as the British weather and his accent is just as unpredictable. He is kind-hearted when at the Start of Year Feast yet suddenly turns violent (complete with a new Irish accent!) when Harry's name pops out of the Goblet. Multi-personality disorder? Possibly. Bad acting? Absolutely.
To summarize the other teachers in thirty seconds: Moody is predictably Barty Crouch Jr. - unlike in the book, where it's actually genuine-like. Snape is surprisingly kind to Harry - despite obviously suspecting him stealing from his stores to make Polyjuice Potion! EARTH TO SNAPE! Polyjuice Potion could be used for great evil! But the reaction of Snape suggests completely the opposite. Hagrid is terrible as a horny bloke and should have been vastly more subtle when talking to Madame What's-Her-Face. Although it's not as if the audience have actually anytime to take Hagrid's relationship with the headmistress to heart - since the movie is constantly jumping from chapter to chapter of the book like a cow who's just seen his dominatrix/farmer.
Finally, back to the villains. The Death Eaters remind me terribly of the Ku Klux Klan, but slightly more literate and upper-class. 'Tis a pity, then, when there's at least fifteen at the Quidditch World Cup - only a few turn up to Voldy's reincarnation. Now, some people might say that they get scared off by the Dark Mark reappearing at the end of the movie. But come people! If they're stupid enough to set fire to an encampment full of Ministry officials, they ain't going to be bothered about coming to Voldemort coming out of his cauldron.
Unless most of the Death Eaters casted quit beforehand, of course.
WTF!? is a side-scrolling RPG built around the look, feel and quest structure of World of Warcraft. In fact, the guys who made the game use so much of Blizzard's art that they go out of their way to make it know that the game isn't associated with the MMOG designer or their parent company, Vivendi.
Their Flash website got slammed so hard this week that they're asking folks to download the game and play it locally. This version of the game is just a taste of a larger, more full-featured RPG that the team is working on.
So far, so good.
And be sure to hit the "Q" button to make your character jump. The resulting sound effect is one detail, at least, that wasn't lifted from World of Warcraft.
(For those of you who do not know, Simon Flint is the strangest person on the cast of Dracula Rock. Take last Thursday, for example - when we were all talking about... well... God-knows-what - he sat apart, watching. But it wasn't the 'OH EM GEE I'M ALONE' watching. It was the 'LOLZ SECKS' sort of watching. It was... strange. I'm surprised I even noticed. He also has a girlfriend called Coby who has one child (but is due another; his). Oh, and of course, he wears a camouflaged coat. In public)
"He's got a girlfriend - she's called Coby,
She's real street - coulda won a Moby,
Got a camo coat - thinks he's real cool,
Too bad that he's - trapped within a school,
Thinks he's bad-ass - but not bad as me,
He watches shows - like CITV.
'Cause Simon Flint is strange!
I think he's deranged!
He's really a fool,
And Coby's a mule!
Sam Buckland - made him sing,
'Twas so bad - made ears ring,
Fingers in Dracula,
He's so craptacular!
Wishes his voice would break,
Then a good pimp he'd make!
'Cause Simon Flint is strange!
I think he's deranged!
He's really a fool,
And Coby's a mule!
Puts gel on his hair - thinks it's real mint,
Coby has got kids - too bad she's skint,
Gonna get a flat - in a high block,
Though none of them - can afford a sock,
They've got more kids - and most are Chavs,
Too bad they're both stuck - cleaning the lavs.
'Cause Simon Flint is strange!
I think he's deranged!
He's really a fool,
And Coby's a mule!
He sits near me - in maths,
And almost always - laughs,
He's got a blinding site,
But he's racist and white,
Flint should wear a condom,
Otherwise I'll sing this song!
'Cause Simon Flint is strange!
I think he's deranged!
He's really a fool,
And Coby's a mule!"
A common saying today is that “originality doesn’t exist anymore.” And when you look around, it’s hard to deny that statement; much of the art produced currently are just carbon copies of past creations and lack freshness.
Introducing Jiyeon Song’s “One Day Poem Pavilion”: Using a very limited amount of supplies and the complimentary rays of the sun, the Art Center student has created a wonderfully innovative piece. By putting together multiple pieces of hardboards and cutting holes in various spots and angles, he takes advantage of the different positions of the sun throughout the day, which pour through the punctures, presenting one stanza of the poem at a time. Each block lasts for about an hour before a new segment transitions over. From the official site:
“Using a complex array of perforations, the pavilion's surface allows light to pass through creating shifting patterns, which-during specific times of the year-transform into the legible text of a poem. The specific arrangements of the perforations reveal different shadow-poems according to the solar calendar: a theme of new-life during the summer solstice, a reflection on the passing of time at the period of the winter solstice.”
This is a great example of how artists can manage to create original works and incorporate the environment into them. The piece requires no outside alterations, yet shifts and evolves. Bravo.
Alright, today, I have done something very special. Today, I have created an image that should spread across Internet forums like wildfire. I did it all, in five minutes; And yes, ladies and paedophiles, boys and guilds: This is it.
Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with today's article... or... any other article I might do. Well, when I do something immensely immoral to someone over the Internet. I can simply link them to the page and laugh at their furious outrage. Feel free to link to it for your own, Melaisis-like needs (The address, for the assholes who can't be bothered looking for the URL bar is: http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/4063/fuckedover6dc.jpg).
That's where Profile Heaven comes in.
If you were to search 'Melaisis' in Google, the first link you'd come up with is a link to my Profile Heaven page. Now, I'll start out with a brief introduction to Profile Heaven, so we can go downhill from there.
Profile Heaven (http://www.profileheaven.com) is basically the British attempt at a profile site. It has failed, miserably. As well as the emos and goths like you get on MySpace, Profile Heaven comes equipped with all the Chavs, townies, fakers and bisexuals in Reading (I mention this because EVERYONE appears to migrate to the Reading Festival every year for the worst in every type of music). You can notice this from the very start, even upon hitting the front page - as the pictures of online morons with nothing better to do than 'rate' or 'comment' on peoples' profiles are forced into your face. A sickening sight.
Now, most of the people actually on the site are butt-ugly. Or are too stereotyped. Or both. However, there is the one exception or two that can catch young, more-than-slightly-perverted man's attention such as myself. Take "Plasticperfect" for example (http://www.profileheaven.com/plasticperfect):
Picture-wise, she's damn hawt. But, no one is perfect, are they? "Plasticperfect"'s profile is hardly anything to write home about, once you get passed the pretty pictures...
Note: The below are quotes where indicated. However, I have taken the colour scheme out of the text due to the risk that my readers (that being you) may be blinded by the bright light.
Hiya my names Kayleigh
I Model For:::
**Hybrid Clothing
**Unearthed Clothing
And A Friends Band
Alright. No surprises here, then. She's almighty pretty, but there's always a downside - she fails at grammar. If you didn't find the errors: Re-take English, you moron:
:::
And A Friends Band
One colon is more than enough, thank you. Strange that she can perform such a strange error, yet not include a simple apostrophe at the end of a word...
Still, the rest of the spelling isn't all that bad. Until at the very end of her personal description:
orr cause on the rating page you had a pic of a band or summat!
...And SHE'S complaining about CHAVS!? For God's sake, woman! Don't be so hypocritical! I've got Chavs in my English class that can spell better than you... when they can be bothered to make a serious point! Ack!
The above, I'm sad to say, was the best, literate result I could get out of one hour's worth of searching. As a result, I believe part of my soul died with it. Well, that's the best of the women I could get, anyway. The best* of the men came in a... woman's profile... (http://www.profileheaven.com/xsariee - Scroll down to her boyfriend bit)
Note: Once again, I have included the quotes without the moronic font-styles and/or colour. No one really likes it, really.
He's 18. He's perfect. & he's a very cute drunk!
Eh!? 'Cute drunk'!? OXYMORON ALERT! ALARM THE ENGLISH TEACHER OR SCHOOL COUNSELOR, BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CUTE DRUNK!
There is, however, such thing as a cute pretend drunk. Like having sex with a woman who is faking it. YOU know she's faking it - but you enjoy the laughs anyway. Whereas the comment above is just well... strange.
Moving on, the girl-in-question then goes on to list all the great things about her (two years older) boyfriend. Strangely enough, though - she doesn't mention how emo he looks. Denial, perhaps?! After all, if I were a woman, I'd rather go for a tall, witty, young white wannabe rapper than some damn kid who needs his girlfriend to straighten his hair.
BUT WAIT... WHAT'S THIS!? MY BULLSHIT DETECTOR HAS GONE OFF AGAIN!
[He] Will lie there, watching me sleep until I wake up (which is usually a few hours after he wakes)
Wait... I don't get this statement AT ALL. If she's supposed to be asleep, how does she know he's watching her sleep?! How?! Maybe he tells her when she wakes up!? What's to stop him bullshitting about that pussy-ass romantic stuff, eh!? A man needs all the sleep he can get! Especially if they're having sex. Which they obviously are, if they're sleeping together.
So, this is what I have done. If you search 'Melaisis' in Google - as I mentioned before - the first link you'll get is: 'Phatrabbi'. That, my friends, is me. The username has not-so-hidden roots, but the fact is Phatrabbi will become - much like iamemolol is on MySpace - my base of operations for Profile Heaven. So, got an arch enemy you need spamming? Got a camera whore who needs shutting up!? Contact me via the website profile and I'll see what I can do. Comments on that profile are always welcome - especially if it's about how much I 'suck'.
**winkz**
*I meant the most respectable. Most of the men - as my fake profile suggests - are wannabe pornstars.
Its a song about MSN. Admittedly, MC Chris and MC Lars (both infamous nerdcore rappers respectively) have covered this topic in much more depth and with more humour than this little tune, but I still found it to be quite novel. Although is it worth the British YouTube feature spot? I really don't think so.
"OMG MOM! LUK AT ME! IVE GOT SOME SCIORRORZ! IM GONA CUT MASELF! IM SO EMO! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!11"
For feck's sake, emo morons, get a life. Or at least, die quickly. To be frank, no one cares if you cut yourself. People care if you fight against racism, or win a Nobel Prize, but cutting yourself? When has that been any help to anyone!? "IM GONA MAKE MASELF BLEED!11" Oh, sorry. Can you explain why? You're depressed? So fecking what!? We all get depressed sometimes, but you don't see the rest of us ripping holes in our skin like a maddened lemur, do you!? No. It is simply because you're a fecking attention seeker. Now go get a job.
"BUT I LISTEN TO BRITE EYEZ! IM KEWL!"
I have had the unfortunate experience of listening to a Bright Eyes song before. It made me physically sick. So, you're depressed... and you go listen to Bright Eyes!? Well done, Sherlock, you've managed to make yourself even more depressed by listening to shitty music. Really, if people were depressed and then listened to more Frankie Goes To Hollywood, there would be a lot less attention whores in this world. A bit of sense, people...
"BUT I WEER TITE CLOTHS! IM HAWT!"
No, you ain't. You and I both know that the tight clothing is to cut off the circulation to those parts of the body where you do cut yourself, and so you can cut all you like without feeling a thing. Not the most pleasant of things, I'm sure. Especially for the possibly-slightly-less-emo-partner who has to see the results of this later. But hey, if sado-masochism is your thing, go for it!
"I WRIGHT POETRIE!"
Well done. So do I:
"Roses are red,
Violents are blue,
I want to kill you,
Doodlie-do."
Too bad the four lines I pulled out of my ass in half a minute is better than what an emo fag could write in their entire lifetime.
"I AVE MY OWWN BAND!"
Ugh. Bright Eyes prove that emo bands suck utter balls. On a related note, I am mutual affiliates with a guy called Sam "The Stink" Duffield. Now, he is infamous for the fact that he can stink out a place in a matter of seconds - but a few years ago, he said: "I'm gonna start a band!" Did he eventually? No. Is he emo? Not really. The point is that he would realize what shit a band with him and his mates would be - so he gave up the idea. Emo bands don't work like that. In fact, the worse the band sound like - the stronger they get. No bass, no drums and a suicidal drummer!? GREAT! YOU HAVE A RECORD DEAL! Pft. At least Sam* knew when to give it up. Emo bands just beat a rotting corpse of a horse using their shitty, half-price guitars they nicked from the Corn Exchange in Leeds.
"IM BYSEXAL!"
I consider bisexuals to be cheaters. There's a saying in Yorkshire to refer to someone who is considered to be homosexual: "Hah! He bats for the 'other team' now, eh!?" I found this phrase to be quite funny when I came across it. Then I thought: 'What about bisexuals? They're not straight OR gay!' THEY BAT FOR BOTH TEAMS! THAT gives you an increased chance of 'having a go' and therefore, is cheating! YOU ARE CHEATING LIFE IF YOU ARE BISEXUAL!
"I WEER ILINER!!!"
Ugh. I only know one person who looks good wearing eyeliner - and she isn't really that emo. Oh, and that's right - SHE'S A WOMAN! Make-up - any make-up - is for women. When's the last time you saw an advertisement for freakin' eyeliner in the middle of the break of the latest rugby league match, eh!? There's a few reasons why Avon ads only crop up during Bad Girls; and it ain't just to annoy me. If you're a man, and wear eyeliner - or a woman who wears it not-very-well - I'll write you off as gay right now.
*A little known fact: Sam was going to call his band 'Madnetic'. In the end, I came out with 'Sadnetic' and 'Badnetic' as alternate names for his band-in-theory. He quit the dream.
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...Well. I know. It's been way too long since I should of posted this. But I don't care. That's right someone of the internet dosen't care.
Another Oceanic Six flashforward.
