The Three Rs is a primarily British viral entertainment site, with standings in many niche interests and involved in a variety of different groups. Topics range from gaming to adulthood to the latest fashion.
So I was cleaning out my "My Documents" folder the other day. Most of it was just HTML codes from various things like MySpace and here at the dearest Three Rs. But there was one file that had something unique in it. The the title of this file was simply "downlaod." (Spelling never really was a skill pocessed by Dee.) Inside was a rant from a music fan wanting Download Festival 2008 to be the best of the best when it comes to music extravagances, but to be shot down as the headliners are announced. So here it is...
Download Festival 2008
The best festival of the bunch in 2007. Can it live up to the same title in 2008?
No.
This section was written a day after the headliners were announced. And the sheer lack of substantial acts is very disappointing. Before you ask, the headliners are "Kiss," "Offspring" and "Lost Prophets." Now all of these bands have good song(s) but not, in my opinion, good enough to justify headlining any summer festival. But with the likes of "Rage Against the Machine," "Metallica," "Iron Maiden," "Slipknot," "Deftones," and even "Serj Tankian" floating about at the moment, what made you go for these? (Serj was a joke by the way. See Various Foo Fighters Live posts.) Money? The only reason I can see. And with £130 for a 3-day, non-camping ticket I want something to justify the price. I think it's on a par with having Howard from Halifax headlining. No, wait, I want to see that.
And there it is. Yes it was html, hyperlinked and all. Even when I'm angsty (me) I manage to advertise something. It's what I do after all. All in all it was nice to have a block of text from me instead of a YouTube video or something about Lost. Also from the word of the second (third?) paragraph I must of planned to do more... yeah, like that's going to happen. Subscribe?
Written by: Melaisis (Originally put up on Angsty Me)
Craig has recently complained that I haven't been posting entries that aid him on his great journey through life. So, perhaps, this post will help him out by providing some helpful home truths about a relevant issue. Well, this problem really shouldn't be considered to be a 'big deal'. Thus, let's use some sense and start with the obvious: MySpace. Now, I admit, I'm slowly being turned to the Facebook way by Bantick (two name drops in one paragraph!?) but I still consider 'Bulletin Drama' to be important. I've been on MySpace since early 2005, received over 11,000 profile views, gotten around 1,500 genuine comments (and yes, you unoriginal moron, I did delete all of those which were like 'who are you?', 'why did you add me?'). On top of all of that, I've had around 7,000 friends pass through my friends list. Thus, I find myself more than sufficiently qualified to speak about such related matters. Hence, simply put, here's my thoughts on the recent outbreak of conflict between certain active individuals:
SHUT UP & STOP COMPLAINING!
No, I'm not aiming that at the instigators of the arguments, after all, I don't really care how able these kids are at copying and pasting the same old insults at one another over and over again in a huge cycle of mudslinging; I've seen a lot worse directed at myself, never mind observing the going ons between sets of rivals.
Instead, this is aimed, most probably, at you - dear reader. As I previously mentioned, I've had thousands of profiles pass through my 'add friend' button, but now there's only 600 or so remaining. How come? Because I delete anyone who has the cheek to spam up my bulletins with 'witty' remarks: Ranging from the old "Bye MySpace; I'm going to bed now but I'm such an attention whore that I thought you all needed to know!" to, indeed, "I hate you, bitch! I'm going to kill you, fookin' hoar!". People who remain quiet and calm, or even loud and interesting stay on my friends list. This mindset has even led to me deleting some of the people I know in real life due to their own need to seek attention from their fellow users. So what, though? This isn't Facebook - interaction on MySpace ranges from Top Friends to the unknwon eye candy - nothing in between. So, when many people such as Claudia ('C-Dawg') are deleted they really aren't bothered - even when I inform them of their 'demotion'. Besides, I keep in touch with the people that are important via MSN and their phone number. Does it really matter if they're not on my superficial list of false buddies? 'Course it doesn't!
Thus, I implore you - if it really bothers you that much that you feel that the best way to contribute is by posting your own damn bulletins, whining about the state of affairs - to halt immediately. What good, in God's name, is simply moaning over the Internet about other people moaning over the Internet going to do, exactly? Stoking the blazing inferno hasn't done any good so far, so why do feel that your input is going to turn back the tide? Its not. If anything, it just boosts these peoples' resilience to such attacks, making such stubborn personalities drive to fight against criticism even more. To quote Billy Joel: 'We didn't start the fire, its been burning since the world's been turning.' People have always sought attention through the use of conflict. How do you think our greatest leaders have appeared during wartime? From Braveheart to Winston Churchill - these people have been remembered due to their hardiness and shown qualities during times of crisis, rising quickly to the dizzy heights of Mount Fame. Unfortunately, we are not part of a Scottish barbarian hoard (well, not the first part anyway) or in the midst of a continental war against genocidal psychopaths. Instead, it appears we're flaming one another about hair and dress sense in all manner of hypocritical ways. No one outside of those involved in the actual combat cares for such fickle activity, aside from the great drive for gossip which appears to have seized the Common Room by the balls.
Hence, if it doesn't directly concern you then why stir it? I admit that occansionally certain, otherwise innocent, individuals can be targeted for no reason aside from the assaulter's desire to 'fuck shit up'*. Responding to such attacks in a sane way is reasonable and we can all think of a recent example where such an assault on character was dealt with thanks to a quick, real-life confrontation the following day. It wasn't really that subtle of a bollocking, but it still got the job done, especially compared to the possible, otherwise futile outcome of posting the rant from behind the keyboard.
Now when people (who happen to be equally - if not more - unpopular and powerless than the others they're striking out against) interfere in bitchiness which is hardly their own business, it does little more to infuriate into posting an extended article on the matter myself. Ironically, you could say this leads to me moaning about other people moaning about other people moaning about MySpace. That means I'm not defending people who start these arguments to begin with, just that your idiotic, incoherent rambling about it is not going to stop their rampaging hormones. Following my example of simply deleting these people is easier, offers instant peace for your bulletin board and shows greater protest to a larger effect than countering these aimless spurts of angst with your own. After all, the greatest thing these people desire is support and sympathy from their peers; what better way to defeat such a method of thinking than to simply ignore it? See; all the 'walk away'-themed anti-bullying campaigns are, finally, relevant! As long as you're the one not being directly victimised, however. Hurrah for cowardice! In the case that you are being directly flamed at, then I do encourage you to help stop it in your own, effective way (see what I said earlier about the whole 'real life' confrontation). Of course, spamming bulletins in return just fuels the flames. You may think you're the one being the whistle-blower on the whole scene, but everyone is just making about as much noise as you are. The end result leads to us trying to understand key but subtle homosexual themes in Shakespeare's plays at a My Chemical Romance concert; it just isn't worth it.
Besides, I don't blame people who keep these so-called 'attention whores' on their friends lists for the sake of entertainment. Heck, isn't that way of thinking why you're reading this very blog; the epitome of bitchiness? Still, if all you can find to talk about is how annoying said bulletins are, then I suggest you 'get out more' and 'get over it'.
Honestly, do you really need the drama to begin with? No; plus, its not as if you can't talk to the less hyper and melodramatic versions of these people on a daily basis anyway in real life.
Once again it's time for a review from Yahtzee Crowshaw. This week's edition is all about the highly anticipanted (in Europe) Nintendo Wii game; Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I know this game does not currently have the Sam Newell seal of approval becuase the game isn't even out yet. But all ye Europeans with no faith, calm. The release date is 27th June.
Want more Three Rs related Smash Bros infomation? Well I think these set of posts will be of interest:
Its quite appropriate that recently The Alphabeat played in my home city recently. Now, this isn't going to be a post about the hip vibes of the 6-piece pop parade that Alphabeat are, but I'd just like to open with them in mind. Whilst having many differences to today's featured band (they're British for a start, have more members and a generally different style), they bare some resemblance to The Backbeat, too: Both bands offer progressive riffs and catchy songs that really do define the word 'addictive'. Both also remind me somewhat of the '60s and '70s. Well, not from my own memory, of course, but the prevailing bands (such as The Beach Boys and even Nancy Sinatra) from that generation appear to have huge influences over the style that both the Alpha and Back beats carry. This appears to be even carried over to their taste in fashion, too.
The Backbeat contacted me after the grand Status Green added me on MySpace. Now, as I've already made blazingly obvious, I love Status Green. I came across them by total accident, and then they found me through simply adding me rather randomly (or at least, so I'm led to believe). Following the my contact with the great SG, The Backbeat also took the liberty of adding me to their friends. I expressed my fondness for Status Green, and The Backbeat responded positively, stating that they've even toured together. Do not be fooled, however! Status Green are renowned for their pop-rock-garage rhythms and gritty songs about realism presented in a sort of fun way. Pandora was right to suggest Status Green to me as, after all, I'm a tremendous fan of bubblegum rock. The Backbeat, however, despite being friends of Status Green, appeal to a whole different audience: Their tone is less serious, but more charming to listen to. The general instrumental side of things could be considered by many to be 'vintage', perhaps even 'classic' to our older readers. It appeared that The Backbeat have gone into a totally different niche than Status Green, yet still appear to have attracted a rather large, loyal fan-backing.
Away from risking this turning into an advanced thesis about how The Backbeat are similar-yet-different to other artists, it is worth noting that the band bring something new to the table, too. As anyone in the music industry will agree, it takes guts to bring about something new, but any artist who wishes to revitalise older decades in their music style has to be equally brave. I'm sure you've all heard all-too-many tributes to ABBA or The Beatles, so it should be a refreshing change to hear that whilst The Backbeat still carry such themes in their music, they still bring something new to the table. After all, their set-up could be considered a little too vanilla (a bassist, two guitarists, a drummer etc.) it is really what the band does with that combination which makes them worth listening to. In an age where everybody seems like they're trying to be somebody else, its still refreshing to know that whilst The Backbeat mix major influences from a better time with their work, yet are still talented enough to use those rhythms in a new way which has been almost previously totally unseen outside of the circuit.
Armed with a positive attitude that would even put Stevie Wonder to shame, a street team so optimistic its surprising they haven't run for Congress yet and chorus numbers which would out-shine The Hold Steady, its pretty obvious that The Backbeat are going to go places, given a little help from their friends.
It's rather been a while since a Lost episode review, I've missed it to be honest. I doubt you have, but I don't care. The title this week is a double entendre. Why? Because not only is it a pun on the title of this weeks episode but I've decided to jazz the layout of these reviews. Reason? I was bored.
On the Beach Jack and Kate smiled and waved at each other. He entered his tent to take some antibiotics for what he thought was a stomach bug, and Kate followed to tell him he didn't look well. They talked and flirted until they heard Vincent barking in the background, along with Bernard's calls for help. Everyone ran to investigate, where they found a body in the surf. After they pulled it from the water, Daniel revealed the body was that of Ray, the freighter's doctor. His throat was slit. When Jack asked when Daniel last saw Ray, Daniel replied "When is relative." Later, Daniel partially repaired the satellite phone using wiring from the plane, enough to communicate with the freighter in Morse code. He transmitted "What happened to the doctor?" and listened intensely to the freighter's reply. Daniel informed Jack that the response from the freighter indicated Desmond and Sayid were fine, and that the helicopter would return in the morning. Bernard stepped forward and revealed Daniel was lying, stating the actual reply was, "What are you talking about? The doctor is fine". Under pressure from Jack, Daniel revealed the freighter never planned to rescue anyone. Jack walks away in a considerable amount of pain.
At the Barracks Alex was captured by a group of five mercenaries from the freighter, led by Martin Keamy. They removed her blindfold at the sonic fence surrounding the Barracks. They ordered her to deactivate the fence, which she tearfully did after mentioning that the survivors had a baby with them. Over in Locke's camp, Sawyer, Locke and Hurley were playing Risk, when the phone suddenly rang. Locke picked up the receiver and heard an automated message repeating, "Code 14J." Ben was playing the piano in another house and was visibly agitated when Locke and Sawyer entered and demanded to know what the code meant. He opened the piano seat to reveal a shotgun which he handed to Sawyer. They took up position at Locke's (Ben's old) house, blockading the front door. In response to Locke's demands for information about what is going on, Ben replied, "They're here!" As Sawyer went to wake Claire from her house despite Ben's warnings not to go outdoors, Ben told Locke that he must survive the attack so that the two of them (with Hurley) would be able to get help from Jacob. As Sawyer told Doug another survivor to head indoors, unseen gunfire from the tree line erupted and killed three people, including Doug and Jerome. Sawyer managed to dodge the hail of gunfire, returned shots with his handgun, and worked his way to Claire's house just in time to see it destroyed by an RPG. After the house exploded, the gunfire ceased. Sawyer searched through the rubble of the house and found Claire, scratched up but apparently uninjured. As he picked her up, she half-consciously mistook him for Charlie. Sawyer yelled for the others to open the front door, which was blockaded by furniture. Against Ben's wishes to leave them locked out, Hurley threw an ottoman through the front window and allowed them in. Shortly afterward, the doorbell rang, and Sawyer unblocked and opened the door to find Miles with a walkie-talkie from the mercenaries. Ben initially refused to talk to the mercenaries until it was revealed they had Alex as a hostage. Ben talked with Keamy, who instructed him to look out the east window so they could talk "face-to-face". Keamy asked Ben to come out, and promised not to harm anyone else, to which Ben replied with information on Keamy's past, claiming to know exactly what kind of man he was. Keamy dropped the formalities, and Alex was brought in and forced to kneel at gunpoint. He instructed Ben to walk out the front door and no one in the house would get hurt. Ben refused and issued a counter-offer, instructing the mercenaries to turn around, leave, and to forget the Island. Keamy told Alex to say goodbye and told Ben that he had 10 seconds. As Keamy counted down, Ben said that Alex meant nothing to him as he took her from an insane woman, and that she was just a pawn, nothing more, all of which Alex heard in anguish. Ben declared that he was not coming out of the house, and Keamy shot Alex in the head. Ben stared in shock before muttering "He changed the rules," and quickly retreated to his secret room where he sealed a blast door behind him. Ben pushed aside his hanging suits and revealed another secret doorway. The walls appeared to be made of stone and the door was carved with some sort of hieroglyphics. The interior of this room was not seen. Some time later (after dark), Ben emerged covered in black soot. He ordered everybody to exit the house in one minute and to run for the tree line on his command. A rumbling was heard and the Monster, much larger than it had been seen previously, thundered into the camp and plunged into the tree line. The survivors watched in awe it attacked the mercenaries in the woods, with Locke and Hurley questioning Ben's seeming ability to summon the Monster. As it drew further away, Locke and the survivors escaped into the jungle, while Ben lingered momentarily to say goodbye to his daughter. Claire, Aaron, Hurley, Sawyer, Miles, Ben and Locke were apparently the only survivors of the mercenary attack. Ben soon met up with the rest of the group at the creek. Sawyer became visibly frustrated with Locke and Ben's plan to go and see Jacob and decided to leave for the beach. Miles, Hurley, Claire, and Aaron went with him, but as they turned to leave, Locke pulled a gun on Sawyer. He insisted Hurley stay as Locke and Ben believe Hurley is meant to guide them toward Jacob's cabin. Sawyer and Locke had a standoff at gunpoint, but Hurley talked them into putting away their weapons and remained with Locke and Ben.
Flashforward
Benjamin Linus wakes up in a state of wide-mouthed shock on the floor of the Sahara Desert wearing a parka with a DHARMA logo and the name Halliwax on it. His right arm has a deep wound on it and there appears to be steam evaporating off of him. He gets sick on the ground vomiting, and two armed Bedouins on horseback approach. Ben asks them if they speak English, and when he gets no reply, he asks them if they speak Arabic, and then Turkish, but they still do not speak with him. As one searches him he feels a club in Ben's pocket. Ben spins around, beats him and takes his gun, then shoots the other. The beaten one says, "Surrender," and Ben retorts, "So you do speak English." He then hits him with the rifle butt. Ben ties off his arm wound and rides off on one of their horses. Ben checks into a hotel in Tozeur, Tunisia. The desk clerk asks if it is his first time in Tunisia, but he assures her he has been there before though, "It's been a while." He gives the name Dean Moriarty and introduces himself as a "preferred guest". He asks the clerk the date, to which she answers October 21st. Ben clarifies the year, asking, "2005?" The clerk confirms with a somewhat confused look. Ben spots Sayid on the TV, hounded by the press, who is heading off and "just wants to bury [his] wife in peace." In Tikrit, Iraq, Ben emerges from an SUV branded "PRESS" and slips up a stairway to the top floor. He pulls a camera with a zoom lens from a bag and snaps a photo of a man watching the funeral procession for Sayid's wife, Nadia. Sayid spots Ben, who hurries back down stairs. In the street, Sayid assaults Ben by tackling him to the ground, thinking he is paparazzi. Upon Sayid's questioning, Ben says he slipped into Iraq from Syria. After Sayid's clarifying question, Ben tells Sayid he left the Island via Desmond's sailboat, the Elizabeth, and after landing at Fiji chartered a plane. He also explains that the man at the procession, whom he identifies as Ishmael Bakir, was sent by Charles Widmore to kill his wife in Los Angeles. She was apparently killed three blocks from the corner of La Brea and Santa Monica five days earlier. Sayid vows to kill the man. Ben is watching the man in a cafe, but loses him and follows blindly to an alley, where the man appears behind him. Ben explains that he need him to carry a message to Widmore. Just then, Sayid shoots Bakir multiple times, continuing to pull the trigger even after his clip is empty. Ben tells him not to let his grief become anger, but Sayid wants revenge, asking, "Who's next?" Ben pleads multiple times that what he is doing is his life, and doesn't involve Sayid. Sayid stands his ground, and Ben vows to contact him and walks away with a smile. Late at night in London, Ben emerges from a taxi, and enters a building. He tricks the doorman, claiming to be heading to visit a Mr. and Mrs. Kendrick in apartment 4E, but instead picks the elevator lock to enter the penthouse. Here, he enters Charles Widmore's bedroom. Ben inquires as to when Widmore started sleeping with a bottle of Scotch by the bed. Widmore who has used a British accent in the past, replies using an Australian accent, "When the nightmares started." Ben admits he "can't" kill Widmore, and accuses Widmore of killing his daughter. The two argue about who bears responsibility, and Ben vows to kill his daughter, Penelope, to bring him the same pain. Widmore claims to know "what" Ben is, saying everything he has he took from Widmore. Ben says Widmore will wish he hadn't "changed the rules." Widmore counters that Ben will never find her and that he wants "his" Island back. Ben says he will never find the Island, and that the hunt is on.
Review
Realtime Rating: 5/5 - Every scene was interesting. NO FILLER! Flashforward Rating: 4/5 - Too many flashforwards spoil the broth? Episode Rating: 5/5 - Probably the best of season 4.
We've certainly had a busy month here at 3scapism. There has been a large influx of new users to the forum, so much so that I've begun recruiting more people to help edit articles on the actual blog. We don't want to miss new talent, but there's no use in featuring a legion of illiterate reviews that the GameSpot forums would be ashamed of, surely?
3scapism's Expansion Efforts (3EE): Again, we've been featured on the front page of Game Revolution, and several of our writers have applied for voluntary positions at the upcoming gaming site Resonance Gaming. As many of you have probably noticed by the link above; I've also taken the liberty of supporting the active pro-Net Neutrality movement. Athene does a better job at describing the cause than I do, so check it out.
Finally, if you would like to contribute to 3scapism in a way other than simply submitting reviews, then feel free to contact me (Melaisis) on the forum. Helping out has a large list of benefits which you may not initially have thought of. Keep reading and writing, folks!
I thought it was about time the Three Rs delved into a realm I like to call: "The Guitar Hero IV Wish list... area-room-type-thing."
Basically I, 033four13305, went though my iTunes and copied and pasted songs which would work well in Guitar Hero into a notepad file. (Oh the name was supposed to read Dee4leeds with the Numbers and Letters swapped around.) I then went though this "Rocking List of Rock," whittling down the "Rocking List of Rock" from 1000s to 80. It was quite fun time waster for the first hour. After which, I just got fed up but couldn't stop! It was such an annoyingly addictive activity to do. If anything it explains why so many people make Guitar Hero/Rock Band/Tetris song wish lists. (With the Tetris song wish list not taking you long, as you'd only ever want "Korobeiniki." For those who know what I mean, well done. For those unaware of this musical work of art, Wikipedia it. Though it should be rather obvious.)
I know what you’re thinking now. "Just Get On With The List." And I shall, Digg reader. Now this "Rocking List of Rock" isn't broken down into "Sets" or "Groups" or whatever. Why? Simply because of my lack of skill near a real guitar (However my rendition of "In Bloom" or the "Tom Morello Guitar Battle" is YouTube worthy. You can decide whether this is a good thing,) limits my knowledge of difficulty regarding songs. The songs were chosen by ear and some by viewing custom attempts on YouTube. Results vary.
The list is written in alphabetical order and has some accompanying YouTube videos to help the not-so rock cultured. So without further ado is my 80 track, brain melting, vocal screaming, "Rocking List of Rock."
"Rocking List of Rock" a.k.a Guitar Hero IV
1) Stop - Against Me! 2) Mailbox Arson - Alexisonfire 3) Smooth Criminal - Alien Ant Farm 4) Brianstorm - Arctic Monkeys 5) Show Me How to Live - Audioslave 6) Unholy Confessions - Avenged Sevenfold 7) Living is a Problem Because Everything Dies - Biffy Clyro 8) Set You Free - The Black Keys 9) Hell & High Water - Black Stone Cherry 10) Stay Together For the Kids - Blink 182 11) Blood In, Blood Out - Bloodsimple 11) Hand of Blood - Bullet For My Valentine 12) Ever Fallen in Love - The Buzzcocks 13) Bed of Razors - Children of Bodom 14) Gravemakers and Gunslingers - Coheed & Cambria 15) Let's Get Rocked - Def Leppard 16) Rats!Rats!Rats! - Deftones 17) Milk Lizard - The Dillinger Escape Plan 18) Gay Bar - Electric Six 19) I'm So Sick - Flyleaf 20) Erase/Replace - Foo Fighters
21) Dance Floor Anthem (I Don't Want to be in Love) - Good Charlotte 22) Basket Case - Green Day 23) Tick Tick Boom - The Hives 24) The Wicker Man - Iron Maiden 25) American Badass - Kid Rock 26) The Arms of Sorrow - Killswitch Engage 27) Fists Up - Last of Believers 28) Hard Rock Hallelujah - Lordi 29) Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz 30) United States of Whatever - Liam Lynch 31) Eat You Alive - Limp Bizkit 32) Faint - Linkin Park 33) Shinobi Vs. Dragon Ninja - Lost Prophets 34) Scotty Dosen't Know - Lustra 35) Aesthetics of Hate - Machine Head 36) The Monster is Loose - Meatloaf 37) Welcome Home (Sanitarium) - Metallica 38) Girls, Girls, Girls - Mötley Crüe 39) Killed By Death - Motörhead 40) Plug In Baby - Muse
41) It's Not A Fashion Statement, It's A Death Wish - My Chemical Romance 42) Animals - Nickelback 43) Amaranth - Nightwish 44) Soulcrusher - Operator 45) 5 Minutes Alone - Pantera 46) Between Angels and Insects - Papa Roach 47) Blood Sugar - Pendulum 48) Something To Live For - Pennywise 49) Pokémon Indigo League Theme - Pokémon 50) Power Rangers Original Theme - Power Rangers 51) Calm Like A Bomb - Rage Against the Machine 52) Sonne - Rammstein 53) False Pretense - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus 54) Just Feel Better - Santana 55) School Of Rock - School of Rock 56) Shut Up! - Simple Plan 57) Duality - Slipknot 58) Halo - SOiL 59) Red Mist - Solitary Mass 60) Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden
61) Where's Captain Kirk - Spizz Energi 62) Stay Captive - Still Remains 63) Made of Scars - Stone Sour 64) Last Nite - The Strokes 65) In Too Deep - Sum 41 66) BYOB - System of a Down 67) 20th Century Boy - T.Rex 68) Make Damn Sure - Taking Back Sunday 69) Beezleboss (The Final Showdown) - Tenacious D 70) The Boys Are Back In Town - Thin Lizzy 71) Holy Roller - Throwdown 72) Hot for Teacher - Van Halen 73) Ride - The Vines 74) Welcome To My Broken Home - We Are The Ocean 75) Hash Pipe - Weezer 76) Icky Thump - The White Stripes 77) Joker & the Thief - Wolfmother 78) Anthem - Zebrahead 79) Attack - 30 Seconds to Mars 80) I'll Go Until My Heart Stops - 36 Crazyfists
You may notice there's a high percentage of screaming in these songs. And they will remain this way. There's no "My Curse Screaming Gone?" act played on us here. For two reasons; I like screaming (*Cheesy Thumbs Up*) and that it takes away from the very heart and soul of the song.
Well that's that. You've seen mine, I want to see yours. I assume yours will be hard unlike my somewhat limp alternative. Penis jokes aside, leave a comment with your suggestion(s). And if you don't then for the love of God will you subscribe to the (always desperate) Three Rs!
Vital. Absolutely essential, inextricably linked with quality. A game without good explosions is like a book without words; like a shoe without gold spray paint; like a blunt pencil...
Pointless.*
Join me for a brief stumble through my "Museum of Computer Gaming Explosions"; marvel at my crude, MS Paint based recreations of these crucial components of our gaming heritage. There will be laughs; there will be tears; and there will be debris. For insurance purposes, tongues in cheeks and hard hats on heads are compulsory.
i) The Lisa Simpson
Sound effect- "BKOW!" As featured in- Lylat Wars; cel shaded platformers
An elegant solution to an age-old dilemma: how best to depict shit blowing up when fancy effects and physics simulations are at a premium? The Lisa Simpson combines simple geometry with family friendly accessibility. Think of it as a "gateway pyrotechnic" for educating children in explosions while still entertaining them. Part of the "Conflagrations for Kiddies" program.
ii) The Expanding Fire Dome
Sound- "BWAAAAAOOOWW" As seen in Starfox; FFVII; Sonic Adventure
A stalwart of the Playstation generation, although generally forgotten nowadays. The Expanding Fire Dome would engulf a fallen boss and then expand, with surprisingly regular speed, before fading quietly away into the aether.
It's main failing was an aesthetic one: specifically, it didn't look like an explosion.
iii) The Hollywood
Sound- "BA-PLOOOOWWWOOOM!" As seen in Crysis; Crackdown; Die Hard films
Long before gamers were blowing stuff up with their fingers, movie goers were blowing things up...with their eyes. Shakespeare once wrote of the Hollywood, decrying it as "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing". Recent metrical studies have suggested that the "idiot" Shakespeare was writing about was Michael Bay.
The Hollywood is fiery, orange and undeniably expensive looking. Although previously prohibitively costly in terms of processing power and therefore awkward to implement, advances in proprietary physics and particle effects mean that now every man, woman and child can bring this flaming monstrosity into their living rooms.
It has curious pretensions to being "realistic", but is in fact as realistic as a bucket full of unicorn's eyelashes.
iv) The Firecracker
Sound- "POP!" As seen in Half Life 2; Bioshock; Gears of War; Rainbow Six Vegas 2
Much more likely to be what an explosion would look like in real life, and therefore much less of a crowd pleaser than the Hollywood. Often accompanied in games by such realistic sound effects as: -high pitched squealing noises; muffled underwater like noises; temporary deafness leaving only the character's breathing audible.
Historically associated with ragdoll effects and men soon to be ragdolls standing imprudently close to red barrels with fire symbols painted on them.
v) The Praxis
Sound-".............rumble......RUMBLE.......FWOOOOSH" As seen in Freespace 2; Star Wars Episode IV; Star Trek IV
Praxis; Alderaan; capital ships in space combat sims; what have these three things in common? It's Big Space Based equatorial shockwaves. When something big explodes in space it sends out a circular, pulsating, white/light blue shockwave: now that's just science, people.
Unfortunately, scientists are not unanimously in agreement on the subject. The more respectable ones say that such a shockwave cannot exist in space as there is no transmitting medium. The less reputable ones say "Aaaw. That looks well cool! BOOM! FUCK YEAH!" This angers the reputable ones further- "Prithee, fellow empiricist: how could it go BOOM? There's no air in space, so no transmitting medium, thus no sound". By this point the less reputable scientists have gone to play with Bunsen burners and talk to girls.
Suffice to say, the debate continues.
vi) The Many Mickles Make a Muckle
Sound- "bang...boom bang...pop......pow-kapow...rumble rumble...BOOOOM!!!" As seen in Sci-fi; Goldeneye (film)
"Every little helps" said the ant, pissing into the sea at high tide. The Many Mickles Make a Muckle (or MMMaM, for brevity's sake) expounds the theory that one can't have a big explosion without lots of little explosions first. Think of them as starters, entrees, if you will. When blowing up an Evil Villain's base it will explode bit by bit, warming up for a spectacular, climactic Hollywood. It's in the rule book, somewhere.
vii) The Bird Dropping
Sound- "BRUM." As seen in Supreme Commander
A quote from Chris Taylor:
"Of course what we were really trying to do with the explosions in Supreme Commander was make them as underwhelming as possible. Basically I told my team "try and make them look like flashing Christmas tree lights." Disappointment, that was our inspiration, the keyword. That's why you can take any explosion in the game, reorientate the camera for a side on view, and see that it's basically just a weedy little 2-D lighting effect, like a bird poo shooting out pieces of smouldering wreckage."
viii) The Mud Fountain
Sound- subsonic "THOOM!" As seen in Halo; Saving Private Ryan
The main objective here is to get as much mud and dirt up in the air at any one moment as is possible. This provides useful cover and is much cheaper than hiring a landscape gardener. Unlike a landscape gardener, though, it has a high probability of blowing your limbs off.
ix) The Floater
Sound- "...um...blom? Was that alright? I'll try again..." As seen in Halo 2
Non committal, underwhelming, profoundly disappointing. Floaters are so called because they look like orange cardboard cut-outs, wobbling feebly in your vision before floating off to disappoint someone else. Debate exists over their technical classification: some say explosions, others say particularly fiery hiccups.
Pessimistic scientists have hypothesised that this is the way the world ends- not with a bang but a floater.
x) The Goldeneye
Sound- "BRUMBOOOW!" As seen in Goldeneye (game)
Famous for displaying startling contempt for the laws of clipping, these fascinating specimens can kill a man through a wall without damaging the wall in the slightest. In spite of the best efforts of military scientists, real life examples remain elusive.
A secondary effect is for the explosion to consume any explosives thrown into it, growing to an infinite size and leaving behind it a choking black smog. This somehow reduces frame rates to negative digits, and is postulated to be the root cause of the grey gunk which builds up around the base of an N64 analogue control stick.
xi) The Ageia
Sound- "BLAKOW! BLAMMO!" followed by the cacophony of three thousand pieces of debris plunging earthwards As seen in- Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighters 1&2 on the PC; and...erm...UT3 apparently, and City of Villains according to the website. So there you go.
Rigorous scientific tests concluded that blowing stuff the fuck up was 30% more fun if there was an increased chance of the player being killed by flying masonry: so the Ageia PhysX card was born.
Sadly for the Ageia it transpired that tearing up cloth and looking at running water in a computer game was as exciting as tearing up cloth and looking at running water in real life is.
COMING SOON: a special exhibit, featuring explosions which expand and then contract again straight away with a big "BOOM-FWISSHHCK" noise, as seen in space or underwater! Bring the kids!
It's Dee again... and I am back with yet another advertisement for the Three Rs store. We've added some extra stuff for you to buy. These additions probably aren't as fun as last time but I can only offer what Café Press sells. Better than nothing right? OK, maybe nothing is better.
Again I have added the Great British Pound (Sterling) in brackets next to the American price. I guess these prices won't be exact as the exchange rate is always changing. I believe the exchange rate is quite low at the moment as well so I think now is a good time to buy. But I think any time is a good time to buy. Hint.
Hooded Sweatshirt Price: $25.99 (£13.01) Reason for buying: You're a young delinquents. You and your delinquent friends wear hoodies, hang around in open fields drinking cheap cider you gained by asking an old man to buy when stood outside a drinks shop and getting chased by the police. So why not get the Three Rs associated with underage drinking and anti-social behavior? Get a hoodie now, the police will enjoy the clever satire whilst kicking your arse into a jail! Buy?
Kids Hoodie Price: $19.99 (£10.01) Reason for buying: Must resist small people jokes... must resist. ARRGH. I can't do it! Hey little people (as I've been informed you like to be called) why not try keep in the game with real people who wear real adult sized hoodies? OK, that was harsh and was meant to be a joke... maybe. Anyway this is the choice piece of clothing for the teenage mother. Buy?
Sticker (Oval) Price for 1: $3.49 (£1.74) Price for 10: $22.49 (£11.26) Price for 50: $80.99 (£40.56) Reason for buying: The perfect gift for every reader who likes to stick pieces of paper on things. And a collectible for all oval shapes collectors. Buy 1? Buy 10? Buy 50?
Sticker (Rectangle) Price for 1: $3.49 (£1.74) Price for 10: $22.49 (£11.26) Price for 50: $80.99 (£40.56) Reason for buying: Another perfect gift for every reader who likes to stick pieces of paper on things. And a collectible for all rectangle shapes collectors. Buy 1? Buy 10? Buy 50?
Well that was entertaining wasn't it! ...Subscribe?
Time for another review from Yahtzee. This week it's all about the Sony PS3 and Microsoft Xbox 360 game; Condemned 2: Bloodshot. I have no idea whether this game has the Sam Newell seal of approval... I doubt it. Why not tell us Sam?
Oh and sorry for the lack of posts this week, my A-Level art is just destroying my Three Rs time! (Which is a bad thing smart arse.) Leave a comment giving your review of Condemned 2 or maybe you could subscribe and be updated when the next pearl of Three Rs wisdom is released.
You may remember a certain SLEEPy-headed writer giving a review on the most epic song of all time. And here it is, streamed in all its glory and as legal as possession of marijuana...seeds. PROCEED THE LISTENER...STREAM BELOW.
Surprisingly it's Saturday and Yahtzee hasn't been posted. This week it's all about Nintendo Wii game; No More Heroes. A game lacking the Sam Newell seal of approval. Let's see what Yahtzee thinks...
Being on the verge of take-over by the mulit-billion dollar (they're from the US!) company EA doesn't stop the Rockstar marketing department from doing their job, oh no! As we can see from this astounding example of viral advertising; the press junketeers are really going for gold.
The hype continues!
I am actually looking forward to GTAIV. Judging by screenshots alone and the information of simply pure content the guys have put into it, I'd say that this is the game that Rockstar have always wanted to make. Still, don't you think that they've just gone really overboard for the sense of satire? Just food for thought...
A few of our more loyal viewers may remember that, a while ago, I had a fairly active Pandora account. It was through there I discovered a good few bands; ranging from the infamous vibes of Sanctus Real to the better part of the New Radicals' work. Naturally, I opted for the pop-rock option as I have a thing for jazzy, upbeat rhythms mixed with a decent vocalist and progressive guitar riffs. One such band, sporting all of the above plus extra, was Status Green. I was a bit apprehensive about listening to their music originally, as aside from classing themselves as pop-rock, they've also thrown in a bit of 'garage'. In my semi-professional experience, I've learned that, typically, garage singers lack somewhat in the whole 'tonal hearing' department. Fortunately (thank the Lord!) this doesn't apply to Status Green.
Their lead, Lou Montesano, has a natural melody within his voice which sounds (when he's on form, at least) like a gospel choir in a brawl with the frontman from Social Distortion. Somehow, his laidback vocals (expertly demonstrated in 'Heaven I Think') appeals to even the most soft-eared of listeners. He reminds me of Feeder's lead meeting Leonard Cohen; only good things could come of such a partnership. Of course, Lou would not be able to succeed without the great work of the other band members; Chris Marino, Russell Tolas and Mike Montalto all good a really classy job of making the music work together with their respective instruments (and, in Chris's case, his voice). Status Green have to be praised greatly for not only sticking to their garage ways with such a large line up, but also combining it with fresher ingredients such as (as their MySpace page states) 'knarly synth hooks'. You know how I'm always blaring on about how music should be revolutionised by new techniques? Well I think SG have really cracked it, and came along at such the right time. For me - a guy sick to death of the 'same old' - at least. Certainly, they snag elements from a number of influences (the dreaded 'indie' included) but I'm certainly willing to overlook these minor faults in favour of the bigger picture in order to really appreciate their music.
So anyway! Pandora recommended their song 'Status Green' to me quite late on last year. I took to the single relatively well, after all, the root of the suggestion had stemmed from The Fratelli's 'Flathead' - another song which somehow stays refreshing whilst appealing to the masses. At the time, I thought that Status Green had already 'made it big', broken up and retired by now. Their music definitely appealed to me, and in comparison to all of the other bands Pandora threw up to me (some which have made it far further down the track than SG, but still manage to be worse?) they sounded great. A little strange for basing lyrics on juggling knives ('...with the blindfold on'...?) admittedly, but I went along with such craziness and simply appreciated the music for what it was: catchy, unique and something different. I forgot about them when Pandora closed down, mind, although I do believe I have a copy of some of their songs on my hard-drive which got the occasional listen whenever I dusted off good old Windows Media Player. So, imagine my surprise when this charming band added me on MySpace! And I was actually talking to their members! I was initially surprised, then immediately drawn in my such a revelation: These guys are still touring? What has the world come to for these guys to go unnoticed on the eve of their second anniversary!? This is an outrageous crime against music tastes worldwide!
Hence why you're reading this, and also why I'm about to demand that you listen to some of their music.
My personal favourite is, of course, 'Juggling Knives'; although I'm sure you're bound to discover your own.
A lot of you may be willing to point out my own futility in featuring such a band. After all, the United Kingdom only started to give 'Hey There Delilah' radio play about three months ago, so the mainstream, playlist-creating idiots who run the airwaves are still a bit, er, ignorant of the next big thing. Still, perhaps if SG gain a big enough following, we'll see them sweep the international stage in no time, and the polite recesses of the Internet seem like a good place to start, eh?
This is going to shock some of you, I was once a child. Oh, I know, it shocks you, but it's true. When I was a kid, things were very different from the way they are now. There was black, and white. There was right, and wrong. For example, playing outside was right, doing drugs was wrong. To show us how wrong drugs were, The Government made a cartoon about it. This cartoon was, even though it was all propaganda, quite possibly the most exciting thing in the world when I was young. It was called Cartoon All Stars to The Rescue, and it was AWESOME.
Ok, to understand this, first you have to understand the time and place it came from. First off, cartoons were big money. Thanks to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the whole industry had been revolutionised. Cartoons were now no longer simple entertaining pieces of paper; they were the single most powerful advertisements in existence. So instead of hocking cheap plastic toys and junk food, the big man himself, George Bush the First, enlisted their help in winning the War On Drugs. Drugs were, in the late 80's and early 90's, a big deal. They were the big evil everybody hated. All of your favourite sports stars and video games were branded with the slogan "Winners Don't Use Drugs" and there was a lot of money spent on ensuring that drugs were kept out of our lives.
Now that you understand WHY it was made, let's talk about the cartoon itself. Essentially it's the story of Michael, an average teen who succumbs to peer pressure and smokes Marijuana. Because he's a dipshit and can't get off it himself, a whole bunch of massively successful cartoon characters take time out of their busy animated lives to save the day. Now just to reiterate how big a deal this was when I was a kid, i'm not talking about Norman No-Joint and Sally Crackhead who nobody has ever heard of, I'm talking about Garfield, ALF and Slimer. Everyone is in this damn cartoon. Daffy Duck, The Great Gonzo, even a Ninja Turtle. This was the single biggest cartoon crossover there has ever been, and probably ever will be.
So the message was obviously that drugs were evil (they were personified by an anthropomorphic smoke puff who serves as the "Bad Guy"), but when this came out, I was 6. At 6 years old I didn't care what Marijuana was, hell i didn't care about what drugs were. What I cared about was all my favourite cartoons being in one place at one time. This was a brilliant strategy. The movie not only showed me what drugs and marijuana did to your body, they did it in such a way that made me believe all of it. Thanks to the clever use of The Good Guys, who in 90's cartoons were nothing less than pure and righteous, telling us that drugs were bad.
The problem with this logic, was of course, that I was 6 at the time. At 6 you are basically incapable of thinking for yourself. When I saw it again, when I was 14, obviously things changed a little. No longer did Alvin and The Chipmonks words inspire me to put down the crack pipe. This brings us to the first question. Who exactly was this cartoon aimed at? Kids didn't understand the heavy handed drug elements, and adolescents would probably view the cartoons as lame kids stuff, which means despite its good intentions, the cartoon is about as effective as lollipops on cancer.
The other thing that strikes me as strange about this is the other subtext. Oh sure, the outward projected image was "Don't do drugs", but the aftertext was: "unless you want all your favourite cartoon characters to come to life and tell you what a fucktard you're being". Now call me strange, but that seems like a pretty cool deal to me. Take a hit, meet Huey Dewey and Louie, they sing a crappy anti drugs song about saying NO, everyone leaves happy. See, that kinda thing strikes me as something I would want to do if I was an impressionable youth with an unhealthy obsession with cartoons. I don't care if they were telling me I was a twonk, meeting cartoon heroes would be awesome.
This makes this cartoon somewhat of a curiosity, a walking contradiction. While it debases drugs, showing their effects on the brain and body in a humorous and entertaining way, it also creates a very blurred outlook on reality which, and here comes the irony, feels like some kind of drug trip. I mean where else are you gonna hear Winnie thePooh talking about Shooting Juice? Seriously, the answer is nowhere. The other thing that is conspicuously absent from the show is any of the villains. I mean it's not like it would hurt to show the bad guys smoking a few. Just imagine if The Beagle Boys, known criminals and general troublemakers, were shown to smoke pot? The kids hate the bad guys, and don't wanna be like them, there's a deterrent. What about one shot of Odie taking pills? They know he's stupid (idiots take drugs), plus you don't have to pay for another voice actor.
Aside from the subject matter, it has to be said the animation here is absolutely amazing. Very fluid and easy on the eye, there was a lot of money spent on this thing. There are lots of bright early 90's colours making sure you remember this is supposed to be entertaining and this was in the day when computer animation for all intents and purposes didn't exist, so to have a team of animators churning this out by hand is pretty impressive. Also, none of the characters stand out, it looks like they are all relatively at home in their settings. It's very nicely done.
In the end this cartoon is worth watching simply so you can see as many of your favourite cartoon characters in one place at one time. They don't interact with each other much, but you can forgive that due to the fact that all they talk about is drugs. It's a strange propaganda film, but at the same time very entertaining. The message is good at heart and there are some jokes that never get old. All the biggest names are here and they're fighting the good fight. you can watch it here and enjoy it yourself:
Very few games nowadays do horror effectively. There are many typical routes that writers take to induce a scary experience. To name a few of the better examples, try looking at the two major roads that games tend to travel down in order to attempt to get your adrenaline pumping: The Project Zero trail and the Quake 4 method which ends up being more of a highway to repulsion. The former I've named after the PS2 classic which was called 'Fatal Frame' in the non-PAL territories, it boasted immense shocks through clever ways of placing enemies, along with a chilling score and difficult (but innovative!) action to match. The fright spawns from Silent Hill-esque moments of apparent safety, followed only by a terrifying appearence of an obake from behind Door Number Fook-Me-Shoulda-Seen-That-Coming. My main reasoning behind why I haven't named this technique after the aforementioned game, is due to the fact that Silent Hill tends to use gore a lot, which mixes it with the next modus operandi.
I've named this tactic after Quake 4. No doubt even the most ignorant of viewers will be able to recognise the clear elements it features. The writers of Quake 4, now classed as real pioneers when it comes to being truly bloody, really pushed the proverbial boat out when it came to their legacy in horror. Personally, I don't generally find grotesque semi-aliens attempting to fire at me by using some damn awkward AI to be at all scary. What I do find terrifying, is the most infamous scene in all of Quake history; the one where you turn into a Strogg. It certainly isn't a nice little case of waking up as one of these inhuman, part-mechanical monstrosities. Oh no, the game actually forces you, unable to act, watch the entire process of being 'Stroggified' as part of an efficient production line. To summarise this extremely scripted scene; there's a lot of blood and a lot of screaming. I'm sure if you're the sadist type you can dig a copy of the sequence up on YouTube. My rather long-winded point, is that a lot of games will try to scare their audience through pure, gruesomely sickly moments like the one in Quake. This is a major pitfall that the majority of FPSes fall pray to. Its easy to spray some blood around and hope the player reacts. So what they are so used to that sort of cop-out that they don't care at all!? Just throw in a frame or two of the player character's legs been sawn off and you have a thrill ride of a title, right? Still, many people find this sort of stuff seriously terrifying (just ask my mother when she watches Pulp Fiction!), so it gets the blood (if it hasn't been squirted everywhere first) pumping, definitely go for it, writers!
Most horror games either decide between either one or the other of the techniques above. Some incorporate a mixture of two. Some, on the other hand, simply are scary unintentionally. Let me give you the reason why you started reading this to begin with:
"Wouldn't it be a good enough idea if people stopped making the association that fear = Monster/supernatural being? How about natural fears? Phobias? I often feel scared with games that don't even have that intention. Take for instance FF7. Back in the days I was scared [shitless] when Emerald was inside the ocean and I had to go explore around in the submarine, something so tiny compared to a gigantic beast that could slowly materialize as he was heading towards you. OK, so it goes back to the monster point, but I'm afraid of large depths. Even when Emerald was gone, I felt uneasy during that part."
Divi's example of Final Fantasy 7 is reasonable; the whole psychological torture of being small in a very large place, underwater. When designing the game, the writers probably didn't think of the sort of reaction their audience would take to the situation. They probably just imagined we would treat that segment of the experience like we did every other of our 20-plus hours of playing. Instead, because of the juxtaposition of the tiny submarine and the mere possibility that, out of the terribly-drawn blue, a gigantic monster could come and swallow you up. Surely that's simply a survival instinct; that if we encounter something enormously bigger than us and we can't fight it, then we naturally get scared: Especially if we're forced into that sort of situation in a videogame, right? Well how come no one experiences that sort of fear when playing Devil May Cry; where we get to go against impossibly huge bosses - at least ten times the size of the main character? Perhaps because that is a more rational situation, and, after all, we've encountered such an enemy a thousand times before in games: A nice, safe, land-based, giant... thing. The greatest feeling we feel against these typical bosses is awe, not fright. But make that experience aquatic and the whole scenario changes.
Another example of the whole 'horror from the depths' thing which may be somewhat unorthodox would be Super Mario 64. Anyone remember the eel, or even Nessy in that underwater cavern? Both reasonably dangerous predators (alright, not so much the latter) who swim around in their respective moist areas, awaiting our beloved Mario, ready to strike. So, both of these creatures are hardly scary in retrospective due to the poor graphical quality which makes up their texture and the crap AI they both contained, but what about more recent examples of this subtle scare? How about the massive sea-snake in Shadow of the Colossus? Fighting that thing in a poorly-lit, huge lake was not a pleasant experience. Why is it, then, do players or humans overall dislike these huge, underwater sections more than a lot of horror games overall? A lot of these so-called monsters can have a greater chance of inducing paranoia, sweat and shock than a lot of the traditional scary moments. Certainly, this does not apply across the board, but enough of these 'rare' cases have been found for it to be certainly taken into consideration for any horror videogame writers. Marine monsters - or simply the mere possibility they are going to be present - are a force to be reckoned with in any player audience. After all, there's a reason why the world is fascinated with sea monsters in real life, and not just because of hopeful biological breakthroughs.
As Divi also suggests, our shared experience of irrigated environments and having appropriate creatures to occupy them, is only a single example of the possibilities when it comes to psychologically terrorising the player. I'm not just talking about picking on the more common phobias. I mean, we've all seen the 'OMFG LUK A GIANT SPIDER!' scene a thousand times before. From the Legend of Zelda to Battle for Middle Earth; arachnids really have a strong presence on the gaming scene. What about other fears, though? How about - as mentioned - claustrophobia? Small spaces is a very common issue for people worldwide, so why do they get so little attention in games? The infamous Flash 'Crab Battle' based off Snake Eater has gained tremendous popularity. Now, we can't prove that this directly correlates with peoples' fears of small spaces, but certainly crawling through the tunnels, being hit by the occasional crab or whatever ended up being quite a memorable scene. Strange, especially considering the other great moments the title offers up. Certainly, creating new and interesting moments which tap directly into the human psyche, either through extremism or unspoken fears, is a sure fine way to get your game remembered.
I apologise its been a long time coming but amongst other things, I've been trying to give myself the illusion that I could get some sort of longevity from Halo 3. As you can already tell, the 'fan boy-ism' concerning Halo has gone, regarding this entry anyway. To quote a much loved Yahtzee line, Bungie 'took all the comments on board, then threw them into a fire' as well as it seems, everything that made Halo 2 brilliant. The inspiring campaign we had in Halo 2 is now about as short as Portal, minus the effort, ingenuity, good looking graphics. Additionally the multiplayer is well, far from perfect, but fortunately that can be amended with time. Sadly and disappointingly, the same cannot be said for a horrifyingly underachieving and ultimately anti-climactic ending to what has otherwise been an enthralling saga. They had so much time and opportunity to make it a masterpiece, but instead they failed, on the scale of sending a blind man to lip read. There are only ten campaign levels, with only nine of them being playable. And people thought Halo 2's was criminally short?! Halo 3 to Halo 2 is simply what Gimli was to Treebeard, atop Mount Doom. And that’s only slight hyperbole.
Furthermore, one factor that really made Halo 2 epic was the abundance of ingame movie sequences (Do we still call them FMVs?). They were many in number, long in length and above all enjoyable and with depth. Now with Halo 3 I can't remember exactly how many sequences there were, so they were without depth and weren't enjoyable else I'd remember them, neither were they long in length and many in number unless they have escaped my fortress of a memory. I think and this is an accurate estimate, there were around four to five sequences at most. That’s less then there were seasons of Angel, and like both, we could have done with more. Even when an in game sequence does rear its ugly head, they're as flat as carbonated beverages from an Anderson bunker (WW2 anyone). Relatively no addition to plot, no further development, purely excuses for cheesy though admittedly crowd-pleasing and epic dialogue such as "I. Am. Truth. The voice of the Covenant!" says The Prophet of Truth, "And so, you must be silenced." responds the Arbiter. Yeah that’s the stuff you want to hear, but not at the expense of everything else that made the cut scenes worth while. They are collectively a montage of Elites (Sangheili) on a ship and the Arbiter applying the coup de grace to the Prophet of Truth. All of which I could have replicated to some degree of accuracy on the games Forge/Theater modes, perhaps even with improvements.
However, if I spare the campaign further biting criticism, I will be able to move onto other pressing issues, in this case with the multiplayer. Commonly considered to be the major selling point of the game by many online gaming fanatics, online, system Link and local MP modes have always been the 'grav' lifts keeping the game floating high above the competition. An intelligent matchmaking system attentive of player skill/ability, randomised numerous game modes/ maps to enjoy, and the allowance of participants to engage in frenetic combat within sessions of up to 16 players utilising diverse weapons and vehicles is in essence a shooter fans fantasy, not including the famed medal award system, arguably the sounds and sights of 'Double Kill' and 'Killing Spree' becoming the most well known and loved aspect of Halo's MP experience.
You'd have thought with that already sorted, they wouldn't change anything, just a simple polish and a tweak and it was set to go again. But, Bungie obviously don't know better as to not mess with a winning formula, and so many things have changed, and not necessarily to benefit. The intelligent matchmaking system, is now a lot less intelligent. Sure it does its job haphazardly in putting matches together with just about similar ability but it doesn't seemed to have aged well without improvement. In fact, the matchmaking system has become the gaming equivalent of an aggressive anti social and lethargic OAP. It doesn't handle groups of different people (Parties of mixed skilled players) well and takes about seven or eight minutes to do a relatively straight forward, simple task.
The maps in all honesty, lack the intuitive design, the attention to aspects of game play and texture detail, the charm and general playability of legendary battlegrounds such as 'Lockout' and 'Midship', but map packs are on the way, and the first looks do look rather promising, and certain new additions like 'Valhalla' and 'High Ground' are showing signs of becoming fan favourites.
The frenetic enjoyable 16 player combat also admittedly remains, solid and addictive, its enjoyment reinforced by new and brilliant game modes like 'Rocket Race' and 'Ninjaball', a 'longest time wins' type mode with a delicious twist in the form of an instant kill melee, hyper speed and active camouflage, as well as classic ‘fragfare’ like 'Multi CTF' and 'One Bomb'. I am even more pleased that the Medal system received minor modifications with the addition of new awards and tweaks, but still remained the same. Nothing in a game, I repeat nothing, is more gratifying than having a burly sounding man greet a shiny in game medal with a gargantuan sonic announcement; "Double Kill!", "Running Riot!" and "Untouchable!" being a few choice and deeply satisfying selections (Note I didn't say Invincible, the best medal in the game with a 30 kill streak. I was a kill away before the bastards brought about my demise). Nothing with the possible exception of an equally deep voiced man booming "Headshot" in correspondence with, well 'headshotting' someone on Counter-Strike. And after reading the last few sentences, I would like to take the opportunity to point out that I am completely heterosexual before people started getting ideas, the hordes of review readers simultaneously narrowing their beady pixellated eyes with suspicion.
"Man, I'm good" Theater and multiplayer in action.
However, there are still concerns...concerning the revised and now completely illogical melee system. Science (at least I think it does) dictates that the person who melees first should win the fight. Yet on Halo 3, the person with the most health wins in the case of a simultaneous melee contest. Someone in Bungie is probably going to be fired for this, and a lot of people in Bungie deserve to be fired for it. A real life example of this heinous error would be a shootout. Since when can one of the two duelling participants, firstly take a bullet to the face, still have the ability to return fire despite the obliteration of their brain within a second of receiving the fire and then as the victor, walk away triumphant, alive and well. Yeah I know, I only found one such occurrence in history.
At least, Bungie are trying to fix such flaws and anomalies, website announcements of in game updates cause small manly tears of joy to well up and help begin the slow steps to restoring my confidence in them.
Oh no, despite my harsh analysis so far, Halo 3 is by no means a bad game. Theater for one is rather a clever feature, automatically recording ingame antics for later viewing pleasure, and bragging rights should you be sad enough to think that killing someone on a game makes you any better, any cooler or gives you any sort of extra credibility in RL, which is pretty much the mass majority of gamers, myself admittedly included.
In addition there’s the co-operative story mode, both local and online, which though is playing the campaign, helps in the way that it spreads the frustration at the game across all participating players, lessening stress and resulting anger, and again if you're bothered for such frivolities, ‘Gamerscore’ and achievements. Forge is a useful supplementary feature that helps in adding new dimensions and elements of game play to maps that clearly didn't have those factors thought out already, though something of a similarly editor nature would have been a LOT more appreciated *cough* map creator *cough*.
All in all, Halo 3, isn't that bad a game, its just not a particularly good one either, certainly and sadly not one reviewers are slapping game of the year awards to, as well as various other accolades of a similar overly positive, exaggerated nature. The campaign, the main reason the fan boys stuck by it, was a slight letdown in that it just didn't deliver what it promised. There was improvement to the more repetitive campaign aspects of Halo 2 , but at the expense of everything else. The multiplayer thankfully can be salvaged, as Bungie purge the heretics who swayed from the true path and begin the road to recovery.
Yes, there is possible redemption for the Bungie folk and the Halo franchise, with a new addition entitled 'Halo Chronicles' rumoured to have Peter Jackson at the helm. If its anything as epic as LOTR, its just what the series needed. For now though, the Chief hangs his helmet in thought of what could have been...
The Three Rs began life as three rival blogs; Dee4leeds' "Periodical Rants," Melaisis' "En Masse" and Wombatlord's "Lord of the Wombats." Despite good work from all three parties, none of these websites would prove to be successful. Due to this it was decided that instead of fighting for readers they would share them, in one place and work together as a single unit. Thus the Three Rs was born on the 6th October 2006. However the website was not titled the Three Rs, it was called "Lord of the Periodical En Masse Rants". But this title proved unpopular because its long-winded nature and cumbersome spelling. So it was agreed that a rename was in order to allow the website to be successful, here is where "The Three Rs" was created. Since then the Three Rs has gone on to introduce new member, Prodigy and begin experimenting into Videos and Genre-Specific Websites.
Its quarter past two, and a lack of ability to get sleep was annoying me immensely. What did I do? I got some Sleep. Yes Sleep with a capital 'S', hence my album review.
Sleep, a stoner/doom and in my opinion *see video for Dragonaut at the end of this review* sex metal band came together to make THE definitive epic metal album (Any album that follows the pilgrimage of the Weedian people to the riff filled land must be epic), and yet, no one knows of it. Fear not, I shall educate. When I said album by the way, it's hardly an album, there's only two songs. One a live unreleased tune to appease hardcore fans, the other the most epic metal song I have ever heard, in terms of length, vision and sheer monolithic power. Sure, it requires A HELL of a lot of patience as it is sixty three minutes of continuous booming metal sludge, but along the winding sonic journey there is much wonder to behold. Chugging, droning riffs, strong, gutteral vocals, plodding neanderthal drums and skullcrushing feedback combine to create the most intense musical experience I've ever endured, apart from Motorway Musical Chairs obviously (if you were curious the chairs were placed on the motorway shoulders). If you have the time, and believe you are open minded enough to tackle the metal monster that is 'Dopesmoker' (and the other small track 'Sonic Titan' which though heavily overpowered is still a welcome psychedelic change from the crunching heaviness of the title track, and is still ten minutes long xD) then indulge in 'Dopesmoker', and PROCEED WEEDIAN, TO NAZARETH! Even the artwork is epic, ooooooof. Tracklist- Dopesmoker 63:32 Sonic Titan 09:36
P.S. There is a watered down, split version by the name of 'Jerusalem' for the weakminded, but you wouldn't dare stoop to that. It can be found on youtube as a sample of Dopesmoker though I guess *Humph* P.S.S Here's Dragonaut as promised.
P.S.S.S!!! SUCCESS A STREAMED VERSION OF DOPESMOKER!
I see Scott's made another blog post with just a video and an accompanying sentence. Making the video count for the last 4 posts: 5. That surely can't be a good thing, of course the reason stems back to this post I made a few days ago. And despite the day it was posted it was not a joke, we are in education. I'm sure that did surprise a lot of our readers (That being you.)
Now to give this misdirected post a direction. I shall discuss an interesting week in the Three Rs evolution. Basically yours truly was talking to Sky Digital Advertising about the Three Rs. "5k please"* Ahum. I think we all know the Three Rs does not have that kind of money. (Probably because of the lack of donating or buying merchandise.** Yes, that does me you.) However I managed to haggle*** them down to 2.5k again we still don't have that amount of money. We hope the offers still on the table for a while whilst we concentrate on world domination hitting it big time ...then world domination. Something like Perez Hilton but with something interesting to read. I've also been talking to the Slam Dunk Festival about sponsorship opportunities there. Awaiting prices currently. But the lack of reply screams only one thing...
Next on the agenda, I shall be doing an interesting set of posts next month. It's a full week of posts, one a day... or maybe more. I haven't exactly decided yet but trust me, they shall be very entertaining. It's actually something I wanted to do for last years' birthday celebration but a major flaw was found. That's all I can say currently. And if you're wondering neither Scott, Ste or Jordan know about this event yet.****
That's the end of this post. Not the most interesting post I've ever done by at least it's not Lost related.
I thought it was time to check out Blogger's latest new feature "Scheduled Post Publishing." Of course you won't know if it works becuase you can't tell when I'm writing this... for all you know it could be 2007. Anyway I'll give you a reason to actually read this post, here's a YouTube Video:
I particulary enjoyed the whole ps3, wii, xbox 360 fanboy arguement. However due to complaints about this website being to manly here's a much more feminine video...
I don't know... it was the second video when searching "awww."
Hmm. Romantic subplots in games, eh? Well my opinion is a tad torn on this one. Check it:
It seems that not only are romances genre-specific, but format-exclusives as a result. When is the last time you saw a tale of sweet, sexual tension between a man and a woman on your PC, after all? Aside from the obvious strong, mutual emotions between Kane and Lynch on their newest adventure*, then PC gamers world-wide are a bit limited when it comes to this sort of area. The most recent time a game on your computarh went really into detail about creating a fascinating, platonic relationship between two people might just be as far back as the likes of Pyschonauts with Raz and Lilly; or even in Grim Fandango sporting the Manny-Meche slash. It appears that people on this system are just satisfied with blowing one another up in their gaming worlds, whilst creating strange 'fan' forms of art in their spare time to fulfil their romantic desires. No doubt I could quite easily turn this into a thesis about how if computer games included more romance then we wouldn't have as much gamer-focused, fan-made cartoon explication. I mean, how come it is that we have lots of Tomb Raider pornography, but no Mass Effect stuff? Especially when, logically, there's far more 'meat' to the latter's favour, making it easier for these so-called 'skilled' artists de perversion to create their own erotica.
Anyway, so we've established that PC gamers are mainly perverts but don't like to fap over videogame characters unless its been under the tablet of an amateur's pirated version of Photoshop and stuck up on Deviant Art first. They're more than happy to trundle around, shooting each other and laughing at pornographic sprays on Counterstrike than actually be involved in a true, deep subplot. Or at least it’s been mainly that way for a number of years. In a case exactly the opposite of this, console releases (well, the releases which initially are publicised as being on consoles-only), designers can't simply get enough of forming little affairs between characters. Ranging from the highly 'controversial' mannerisms of the protagonists in titles such as Mass Effect or Grand Theft Auto, to the more sublime and dramatic features of those as the Final Fantasy series, or even Metal Gear Solid. This only becomes a problem, however, when gameplay or overall quality of the release suffers because of this inclusion of a subplot. I guess you're all expecting me to bring up the likes of The Witcher due to the unclassy inclusion of the whole 'collecting women as cards' thing. Well yes, but I understand that whole part of the game is somewhat optional. The same can apply for Mass Effect; unless you're extraordinarily horny and haven't got access to the unrestricted Internet - it is entirely your own choice whether or not a (pointless!) romantic subplot develops. I am more in favour of this sort of type, because, after all, I can't think of a game where a romance is instrumental to the storyline (aside from Mario, maybe?). Certainly Tidus may be driven by love not to let Yuna die in FFX, or Octacon might be a little more against the Patriots since their rogue project killed off his source of semi-incestuous romance, but would these games fail to function if these arcs were not included? No? Then why do writers feel the need to include such an element if all it furthers is 'character development'. Sure, I appreciate these loving scenes where the players of the story express their passion for one another in an untimely fashion; but what about the rest of the gaming world whose opinion of such events amounts to no more than a mere sigh and rolling of eyes? Often it is only the artsy, nu-journalist types (like myself!) which fall for the pizazz of ten-hour cut scenes in which people proclaim their love for one another. Optional, it seems, may just be the way to go.
If top-of-their-league creations such as Ico and Half Life can have both powerful male-female roles within but without a necessary romantic element (if there is one then it is merely implied for humorous or even negative), then why can’t this be applied across the board? I’m not saying that we should all beat down on the next writer to come along and imply that we should all embrace the power of love, but what I am saying is that I don’t think the silent masses will care.
"Why hasn't there been posts at the Three Rs the last couple of days?"
The simple answer is that it's Easter. Due to our ages and that we are all in higher education, now is the time to be revising/completing coursework/etc. The same thing happened last year so don't worry you favourite website has not died on it's arse (Like self-proclaimed indie acts have at Reading/Leeds Festival.)
In other news, I'm designing a new layout for the Three Rs and it's various spin-offs. It's rather snazzy... but I'm struggling to get it to work with Blogger. But there's is no rush, or at least I'm led to believe as such. Subscribe maybe?
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Vital. Absolutely essential, inextricably linked with quality. A game without good explosions is like a book without words; like a shoe without gold spray paint; like a blunt pencil...
Pointless.*
Join me for a brief stumble through my "Museum of Computer Gaming Explosions"; marvel at my crude, MS Paint based recreations of these crucial components of our gaming heritage. There will be laughs; there will be tears; and there will be debris. For insurance purposes, tongues in cheeks and hard hats on heads are compulsory.
i) The Lisa Simpson
Sound effect- "BKOW!"
As featured in- Lylat Wars; cel shaded platformers
An elegant solution to an age-old dilemma: how best to depict shit blowing up when fancy effects and physics simulations are at a premium? The Lisa Simpson combines simple geometry with family friendly accessibility. Think of it as a "gateway pyrotechnic" for educating children in explosions while still entertaining them. Part of the "Conflagrations for Kiddies" program.
ii) The Expanding Fire Dome
Sound- "BWAAAAAOOOWW"
As seen in Starfox; FFVII; Sonic Adventure
A stalwart of the Playstation generation, although generally forgotten nowadays. The Expanding Fire Dome would engulf a fallen boss and then expand, with surprisingly regular speed, before fading quietly away into the aether.
It's main failing was an aesthetic one: specifically, it didn't look like an explosion.
iii) The Hollywood
Sound- "BA-PLOOOOWWWOOOM!"
As seen in Crysis; Crackdown; Die Hard films
Long before gamers were blowing stuff up with their fingers, movie goers were blowing things up...with their eyes. Shakespeare once wrote of the Hollywood, decrying it as "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing". Recent metrical studies have suggested that the "idiot" Shakespeare was writing about was Michael Bay.
The Hollywood is fiery, orange and undeniably expensive looking. Although previously prohibitively costly in terms of processing power and therefore awkward to implement, advances in proprietary physics and particle effects mean that now every man, woman and child can bring this flaming monstrosity into their living rooms.
It has curious pretensions to being "realistic", but is in fact as realistic as a bucket full of unicorn's eyelashes.
iv) The Firecracker
Sound- "POP!"
As seen in Half Life 2; Bioshock; Gears of War; Rainbow Six Vegas 2
Much more likely to be what an explosion would look like in real life, and therefore much less of a crowd pleaser than the Hollywood. Often accompanied in games by such realistic sound effects as:
-high pitched squealing noises; muffled underwater like noises; temporary deafness leaving only the character's breathing audible.
Historically associated with ragdoll effects and men soon to be ragdolls standing imprudently close to red barrels with fire symbols painted on them.
v) The Praxis
Sound-".............rumble......RUMBLE.......FWOOOOSH"
As seen in Freespace 2; Star Wars Episode IV; Star Trek IV
Praxis; Alderaan; capital ships in space combat sims; what have these three things in common? It's Big Space Based equatorial shockwaves. When something big explodes in space it sends out a circular, pulsating, white/light blue shockwave: now that's just science, people.
Unfortunately, scientists are not unanimously in agreement on the subject. The more respectable ones say that such a shockwave cannot exist in space as there is no transmitting medium. The less reputable ones say "Aaaw. That looks well cool! BOOM! FUCK YEAH!" This angers the reputable ones further- "Prithee, fellow empiricist: how could it go BOOM? There's no air in space, so no transmitting medium, thus no sound". By this point the less reputable scientists have gone to play with Bunsen burners and talk to girls.
Suffice to say, the debate continues.
vi) The Many Mickles Make a Muckle
Sound- "bang...boom bang...pop......pow-kapow...rumble rumble...BOOOOM!!!"
As seen in Sci-fi; Goldeneye (film)
"Every little helps" said the ant, pissing into the sea at high tide. The Many Mickles Make a Muckle (or MMMaM, for brevity's sake) expounds the theory that one can't have a big explosion without lots of little explosions first. Think of them as starters, entrees, if you will. When blowing up an Evil Villain's base it will explode bit by bit, warming up for a spectacular, climactic Hollywood. It's in the rule book, somewhere.
vii) The Bird Dropping
Sound- "BRUM."
As seen in Supreme Commander
A quote from Chris Taylor:
"Of course what we were really trying to do with the explosions in Supreme Commander was make them as underwhelming as possible. Basically I told my team "try and make them look like flashing Christmas tree lights." Disappointment, that was our inspiration, the keyword. That's why you can take any explosion in the game, reorientate the camera for a side on view, and see that it's basically just a weedy little 2-D lighting effect, like a bird poo shooting out pieces of smouldering wreckage."
viii) The Mud Fountain
Sound- subsonic "THOOM!"
As seen in Halo; Saving Private Ryan
The main objective here is to get as much mud and dirt up in the air at any one moment as is possible. This provides useful cover and is much cheaper than hiring a landscape gardener. Unlike a landscape gardener, though, it has a high probability of blowing your limbs off.
ix) The Floater
Sound- "...um...blom? Was that alright? I'll try again..."
As seen in Halo 2
Non committal, underwhelming, profoundly disappointing. Floaters are so called because they look like orange cardboard cut-outs, wobbling feebly in your vision before floating off to disappoint someone else. Debate exists over their technical classification: some say explosions, others say particularly fiery hiccups.
Pessimistic scientists have hypothesised that this is the way the world ends- not with a bang but a floater.
x) The Goldeneye
Sound- "BRUMBOOOW!"
As seen in Goldeneye (game)
Famous for displaying startling contempt for the laws of clipping, these fascinating specimens can kill a man through a wall without damaging the wall in the slightest. In spite of the best efforts of military scientists, real life examples remain elusive.
A secondary effect is for the explosion to consume any explosives thrown into it, growing to an infinite size and leaving behind it a choking black smog. This somehow reduces frame rates to negative digits, and is postulated to be the root cause of the grey gunk which builds up around the base of an N64 analogue control stick.
xi) The Ageia
Sound- "BLAKOW! BLAMMO!" followed by the cacophony of three thousand pieces of debris plunging earthwards
As seen in- Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighters 1&2 on the PC; and...erm...UT3 apparently, and City of Villains according to the website. So there you go.
Rigorous scientific tests concluded that blowing stuff the fuck up was 30% more fun if there was an increased chance of the player being killed by flying masonry: so the Ageia PhysX card was born.
Sadly for the Ageia it transpired that tearing up cloth and looking at running water in a computer game was as exciting as tearing up cloth and looking at running water in real life is.
COMING SOON: a special exhibit, featuring explosions which expand and then contract again straight away with a big "BOOM-FWISSHHCK" noise, as seen in space or underwater! Bring the kids!
*cheers, Blackadder.