13: 00 - I Hate MP3 Players

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Written by: Thor

As you read this, I'll be on holiday. That's clever technology, that. I can write it way beforehand and schedule it to be automatically posted that day, even though I'll be in some remote place that I can't pronounce the name of where computers are condemned as witchcraft. Instead of writing some new rant, I thought I'd dip into my personal archives. But while I love post-scheduling, it would seem that when I wrote this article - about ten months ago - I really didn't love the technology of MP3 players...

MP3 players are quickly becoming the new penis. If you're with a group of (male) friends, and you start chatting about music, the conversation will likely sway towards MP3 players. "Ah," says one friend, "mine is twenty gigabytes and the size of a tooth!" It's impressive because its memory is big, but its physical size is so small, you're liable to swallow it. "I was there first!" declares your second friend, reaching for his pocket to pull out his MP3 player. "It's a first-generation iPod!" Wow, it's got a small memory and can be used to build a house but it's "the greatest because it was the first".

Recent MP3 players beat them all, though, because they can do so many things. You can make a to-do list, watch films and play Minesweeper or some other basic game. If I was particularly bothered about owning an MP3 player, I'd want one that played music and could hold enough songs. I have no need for a billion songs, organised alphabetically the second letter of the artist's name. Nor do I particularly require Solitaire, unless I'm in desperate need of a visualisation of Ace of Spades, which happens very rarely. Sometimes, though, the makers sacrifice physical size for new, 'exciting' features, like easily smudged touch screens. My ideal MP3 player would be just that.

And of course, MP3 is the future: it's digital. Clever old Sony, though, have taken their classic Walkman brand and stuck the label onto MP3 players. That's clever marketing, boys. These new Walkmans are essentially nothing like the old Walkmans, they're just iPods with different covers. But what does that different cover mean? Usually, it means that you can now only get music by visiting that company's digital shop or break a dozen laws by firing up Limewire. Sony's digital music shop will let you use these tracks on Walkmans, Apple's iTunes shop lets you put tracks on your iPod and nowhere else. By choosing the most colourful thing in the shop, you've now locked yourself into one retailer, and that's not good at all.

Not that it matters because sooner or later (likely sooner), the damned thing will be outdated and/or broken anyway. That's when we'll get the new technology of MP72s. Although, I'm told, an MP72 is a type of gun. No doubt some clever spark will realise that this is actually a great business opportunity: MP3 guns, or gunPods, if you like. Imagine it: you licence music-playing guns to the army and you're sorted for life! Sadly, the technophobic general accidentally puts his playlist of songs onto every gunPod in the army and the soldiers must attack the enemy with Barbie Girl thumping in their ears. Maybe that would spur them on more, though? But then, of course, newer gunPods will be made, and yet again, they'll become penises once more. Is your gunPod capable of firing 100 rounds per second, holding five million songs and packaged with stylish headphones? No? Ah, yours is the latest model which can kill from a kilometre away and folds up into the shape of a shoe.

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Labels: mp3 players, music, thor's day

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Article Posted: Thursday, August 14, 2008 at 13:00.
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