The Three Rs: 21: 18 - ANOTHER Piss-Take Of ANOTHER Profile Site

21: 18 - ANOTHER Piss-Take Of ANOTHER Profile Site

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Written by: Melaisis
Edited by: Curio

Alright, today, I have done something very special. Today, I have created an image that should spread across Internet forums like wildfire. I did it all, in five minutes; And yes, ladies and paedophiles, boys and guilds: This is it.

Now, you may be wondering what this has to do with today's article... or... any other article I might do. Well, when I do something immensely immoral to someone over the Internet. I can simply link them to the page and laugh at their furious outrage. Feel free to link to it for your own, Melaisis-like needs (The address, for the assholes who can't be bothered looking for the URL bar is: http://img240.imageshack.us/img240/4063/fuckedover6dc.jpg).

That's where Profile Heaven comes in.

If you were to search 'Melaisis' in Google, the first link you'd come up with is a link to my Profile Heaven page. Now, I'll start out with a brief introduction to Profile Heaven, so we can go downhill from there.

Profile Heaven (http://www.profileheaven.com) is basically the British attempt at a profile site. It has failed, miserably. As well as the emos and goths like you get on MySpace, Profile Heaven comes equipped with all the Chavs, townies, fakers and bisexuals in Reading (I mention this because EVERYONE appears to migrate to the Reading Festival every year for the worst in every type of music). You can notice this from the very start, even upon hitting the front page - as the pictures of online morons with nothing better to do than 'rate' or 'comment' on peoples' profiles are forced into your face. A sickening sight.

Now, most of the people actually on the site are butt-ugly. Or are too stereotyped. Or both. However, there is the one exception or two that can catch young, more-than-slightly-perverted man's attention such as myself. Take "Plasticperfect" for example (http://www.profileheaven.com/plasticperfect):

Picture-wise, she's damn hawt. But, no one is perfect, are they? "Plasticperfect"'s profile is hardly anything to write home about, once you get passed the pretty pictures...

Note: The below are quotes where indicated. However, I have taken the colour scheme out of the text due to the risk that my readers (that being you) may be blinded by the bright light.

Hiya my names Kayleigh

I Model For:::

**Hybrid Clothing

**Unearthed Clothing

And A Friends Band

Alright. No surprises here, then. She's almighty pretty, but there's always a downside - she fails at grammar. If you didn't find the errors: Re-take English, you moron:

:::

And A Friends Band

One colon is more than enough, thank you. Strange that she can perform such a strange error, yet not include a simple apostrophe at the end of a word...

Still, the rest of the spelling isn't all that bad. Until at the very end of her personal description:

orr cause on the rating page you had a pic of a band or summat!

...And SHE'S complaining about CHAVS!? For God's sake, woman! Don't be so hypocritical! I've got Chavs in my English class that can spell better than you... when they can be bothered to make a serious point! Ack!

The above, I'm sad to say, was the best, literate result I could get out of one hour's worth of searching. As a result, I believe part of my soul died with it. Well, that's the best of the women I could get, anyway. The best* of the men came in a... woman's profile... (http://www.profileheaven.com/xsariee - Scroll down to her boyfriend bit)

Note: Once again, I have included the quotes without the moronic font-styles and/or colour. No one really likes it, really.

He's 18. He's perfect. & he's a very cute drunk!

Eh!? 'Cute drunk'!? OXYMORON ALERT! ALARM THE ENGLISH TEACHER OR SCHOOL COUNSELOR, BECAUSE THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CUTE DRUNK!

There is, however, such thing as a cute pretend drunk. Like having sex with a woman who is faking it. YOU know she's faking it - but you enjoy the laughs anyway. Whereas the comment above is just well... strange.

Moving on, the girl-in-question then goes on to list all the great things about her (two years older) boyfriend. Strangely enough, though - she doesn't mention how emo he looks. Denial, perhaps?! After all, if I were a woman, I'd rather go for a tall, witty, young white wannabe rapper than some damn kid who needs his girlfriend to straighten his hair.

BUT WAIT... WHAT'S THIS!? MY BULLSHIT DETECTOR HAS GONE OFF AGAIN!

[He] Will lie there, watching me sleep until I wake up (which is usually a few hours after he wakes)

Wait... I don't get this statement AT ALL. If she's supposed to be asleep, how does she know he's watching her sleep?! How?! Maybe he tells her when she wakes up!? What's to stop him bullshitting about that pussy-ass romantic stuff, eh!? A man needs all the sleep he can get! Especially if they're having sex. Which they obviously are, if they're sleeping together.

So, this is what I have done. If you search 'Melaisis' in Google - as I mentioned before - the first link you'll get is: 'Phatrabbi'. That, my friends, is me. The username has not-so-hidden roots, but the fact is Phatrabbi will become - much like iamemolol is on MySpace - my base of operations for Profile Heaven. So, got an arch enemy you need spamming? Got a camera whore who needs shutting up!? Contact me via the website profile and I'll see what I can do. Comments on that profile are always welcome - especially if it's about how much I 'suck'.

**winkz**

*I meant the most respectable. Most of the men - as my fake profile suggests - are wannabe pornstars.

Labels: chav, EMO, massive lolz, Melaisis, profile