10: 12 - D.O.C by Lost or D.O.A by Foo Fighters?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds



Hallo.

Jin's sperm this week...



Nothing out of the average for a Sun flashback, they are usually quite boring and this weeks is no different. Sun sits of a bench(!) Some women sat next to Sun ideally chats are first, then demands one hundred thousand dollars or she will reveal the fact that Jin's mother was a prostitute. (I think this would mean something about honour in Korea...I'm not being stupid, or making a joke. Is that correct?) Anyway Confrontation with Suns dad...confrontation with Jins dad. Sun gets the money. She goes to that women who demand said money. But Sun puts her angry face on. Basically she said (Don't quote me on this.) "Oi, biatch. I's propa know that you's Jin's prosie mam. 'Ere, take dis dough and fuck off out ov r lives." or words to that effect.



좋습니다!

Flashback Rating: 2/5 - Lame...quite good then for a Sun flashback...

Now it's time for the section which blogger descirbes as spelt incorrectly... Realtime. Let's see where to start...where to start. I'll split it in two this week.

The Sun Storyline.

Juliet sneaks like a sneaking sneaker (but isn't wearing sneakers) into dearest Sun's tent/house/thing. Juliet tells Sun if she stays quiet she will help her find out who is the father of her baby. Sun agrees. They go to the long forgotten Staff station. (You don't even remember which one that is. Its the medical hatch...Claire, Kate and Rousseau found it. Ethan took Claire there... remember?) Juliet takes her down there, and they go in the cloakroom. Juliet opens a locker to reveal a leaver. Why Kate didn't find this leaver before is beyond me... Anyway this leaver opens a door to a secret room. They exchange monosyllabic terms. Juliet reveals that anyone who has become preggers on the island has died. Thus meaning the knife edge of... if the baby was conceived off the island, not by Jin, Sun will survive but Jin will go phsyco or if the baby was conceived on the island, by Jin, Sun will died but Jin will go phsyco. Juliet begins the scan. Thus revealing the father to be...JIN! (Which was great news to me as I was so committed that Jae Lee wasn't the father.)

The Desmond Storyline.

They begin to help the parachutist, she is bleeding and finding it hard to breath. Hurley is rooting through her stuff and accidentally fires a flare gun. Mikhail jumps out of the bushes. Yeah, he's alive, it wasn't a goof. He runs off but Jin catches him and knocks ten cowbells of shit out of him. They make a deal that if Mikhail treats her they have to let him go. Mikhail does his job correctly. Desmond lets him go. Charlie is suspicious. But before Charlie can do anything about it Jin has already ran off after him. Mikhail has stolen the satellite phone, Jin takes it back. (In my opinion the phone was a cover up for something else.) The girl wakes up. She asks how Hurely got to the island. After saying that Oceanic Flight 815 crashed, the parachutist says..."No. No, Flight 815 they, they found the plane. There were no survivors. They were all dead."



E-WARRRRR!

Realtime Rating: 4/5 - Just as good as always.

Episode Rating: 4/5 - The writers are so much on form that commenting about being on form is becomeing clichéed!

Next Week - Episode 319 - The Brig

Labels: Lost, Lost Review, Review

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

21: 48 - Migration Nation

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Written by: Melaisis

Upon a considerably far lighter note and detaching from the great, angst-filled, grammatically (and spelling) errored standard laid down by Dee in his last post; I've decided to opt for a much lighter note in tonight's entry. That is, I have been going through my old papers once again (indeed, it seems to be a bit of a reoccurring theme somewhat nowadays) and come across the infamous limerick; Migration Nation. The poem/rap-type-thing was written many years ago as part of a geography assignment - and was probably the most successful project I've ever managed to complete. As the title should suggest - it is about the migration of people from country to country around the world - the destination simply being known as 'The Migration Nation'. It is also suggested that it be read aloud in a stereotypical Jamaican accent, for reasons which become apparent when trying to make each line sound the same as the last.

Migration Nation

Welcome to the Migration Nation,
We don't need no vacation!
Because we is moving location,
From the Migration Nation.

My girl needs a visa,
So she can come to me and I can please 'er,
I don't wanna leave 'er,
I just wanna squeeze her.

Welcome to the Migration Nation,
We don't need no sanitation!
Because we is moving location,
To the Migration Nation.

I gonna move to the big city,
Where the grass is green and the lights are pretty,
I gonna earn a lot of money,
And get maself a honey.

Welcome to the Migration Nation,
I need some vaccination!
Because we is moving location,
To the Migration Nation!

Author: Melaisis | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

16: 50 - Dumb Questions #5: This Fifth in the Series dosen't include awful characters such as Tommy Gunn.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds

What do chickens think we taste like?

The simple answer: Whatever your imagination wants it to be.
The real answer: Humans.
The dumb answer: Like chickens!
The wayen brothers answer: like a women's, you know, "flower"
The craig giles answer: what we taste in life, echoes in eternity.
The Dietrich answer: Humans.
The Shatner answer: Hu-Hu-mans!
The famliy guy answer: almost as bad as that cereal I had with Gary Coleman in Mexico.
The Youtube answer: Were not just a video website with jackass' getting hurt we're also a site with a heart. We understand the young generation and we reach to those in need, such a that arsehole MadV. Really "One World" was the shitist video ever. I rather be out and about helping the world than sticking my palm at a camera.
The google answer: Whatever it costs we shall find out what humans taste like, as we have money to burn.
The rupert murdoch answer: MY CHICKEN! NO ONE ELSE'S!

The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get?

Aids. (No laugh matter dickbrains.)

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

People in the past were to smart to need blackboards, for example, blackboardless old people like "Richard Wilson," "Iam Mckellan," and Komo.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Those Fat Cats in Washington.

Maybe adding Tommy Gunn would of saved this blog entry...

Labels: Dumb Questions

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

15: 53 - I did this blog entry in a catch-22 situation.

Written by: Dee4leeds



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (Delete as appropriate.)

A good albeit flawed episode this week from Lost's resident time traveling rascal...



...Desmond.

Not to change, as no one likes change, (unless its McChicken nuggets, then "the change is good!") Flashback first. Let me set the scene. You have for ages thought Desmond's "brother" calling was just a nice, simple, characteristic created by the writers. THEN you see Desmond dressing himself as a monk. CLICK. Desmond was "a brother!" and that's about it for this flashback. Yep, quickest flashback review ever. I you would like to know everything else that happened in this flashback visit your local Lost provider. Oh and to all those who haven't clicked, this was the flaw of this episode.

INSERT PICTURE HERE! Dam you person who uploaded poor res images!

WHAT?

Flashback Review: 2/5 - Disappointing for a Desmond episode.

We shall carry on with Realtime events. Now, what comes to mind when you think, "arrow by one of," "Charlie is," "in one of," "Flashes," "Rousseau's traps," "shot with an" and "Desmond"? Obviously "Charlie is shot with an arrow by one of Rousseau's traps, in Desmond's Flashes." OUCH. Right in the neck. More flashes of Hurley, Jin and Charlie with Desmond on great capers and then Desmond's photograph. Desmond manages to round this group together and they head off into the jungle. They hear a loud noise, helicopter-ish. They notice someone has parachuted from a crashing Helicopter. Desmond has flashes, from which he makes his mind up that Penny was the parachutist. They arrive at the place in which Charlie is shot, Desmond has to decide whether to 1) Save Charlie and risk it not being Penny or 2) Save Charlie and hope the parachutists is unaffected by the altered Time line. They find the parachutist hanging from a tree they get her down. Desmond takes her helmet off revealing it to be...DRUMROLL...ready for this...really are you ready?...It's...some chick with a large nose. Who looks at dearest Desmond and says..."Desmond..."



OK!

Realtime Rating: 4/5 - Everyone loves time travelling nonsense!

Episode Rating: 4/5 - There was a flashback?!?

Next Week - Episode 318 - D.O.C

Labels: Lost, Lost Review, Review

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

17: 29 - Something From A Long Time Ago

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Written by: Melaisis

Carrying on with the theme of digging up the past and posting it on the blog: I've been rooting through my old school books of late. During a rather intense throw-out session, I came across an old rap/poem I wrote a while ago for a history presentation (and then I rapped it out to the jeering class. Don't ask). The lines are all over the place; but at least the couplets (sort of) rhyme and the content itself is... kinda accurate. It is supposed to be read in a Yorkshire accent - which also gives the reason why some of the ses in words have been left out. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls:

World War One

There were generals in World War One,
And they all had a gun,
They had huge forces,
All riding on horses,
The BEF were 'ard,
'Cause they ran a thousand yard',
The generals were all sound,
And they earned fifty pound.

These guys weren't no fun,
And they all weighed a tonne,
Allies fought against Kaiser Willy,
All finding he was rather silly,
'Cause he had a son, called Billy.

There were generals in World War One,
And they all lived under the Sun,
The Germans used poisonous gas,
To kick the French's ass,
The commanders had big mustaches,
But the troops, still got rashes,
The kids who didn't get trenchfoot,
Still managed to kick butt,
There was no sand,
In the middle of No Mans' Land,*
There were generals in World War One,
And they all fought at Verdun,
At Verdun,
At Verdun.

*Shittest two lines, me thinks.

Author: Melaisis | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

18: 39 - Sunshit

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Written by: Melaisis



Yeah. I saw this being advertised on MySpace a while ago (amongst other places; as the trailer was tagged onto both Casino Royale and White Noise: The Light when they were shown over here). It spiked my curiosity; a plan to restart the dying Sun by dropping a few thousand nuclear bombs into it? Sounds very The Core with a spoon full of Armageddon to me. And it turned out to be exactly that. I've already summarised the plot: Bunch of astronauts and scientists (well, like, 8 of them) blast off into space with a shit load of weaponry in some sort of weirdly-shaped ship in order to reboot the BIOS on the Sun. Or something like that. Admittedly, I wasn't paying attention for the first half an hour of the film - as an earlier shesha had made me feel slightly sickly (always eat before shesha, kids!); but it appears that my distracting organs weren't much of a concern - as the first hour wasn't of real importance to the plot of the film. And neither was the hours after that, in all honesty. Once the story has been established in the audience's mind - it is blindingly (pun?) obvious what is going to happen: The mission will be a success and they'll save the Sun. Fans of the genre will also be able to guess (as I did) that a few of the crew will end up killing one another at some point (which happens indirectly occasionally) because they think one another are arseholes. Heck, even the cliche character-types exist in Sunshine:

We have the great, fearless captain who gives his life for the safety of the others (dies when repairing some shit).
Guy who feels guilty for the captain's death and eventually commits suicide via means of scalpel.
Bitch of a second-in-command.
Heroic physicist figure who rides the bomb into the sun at the end to make sure it'll detonate.
And so on.

Like I said before; the characters are so predictable you could easily write this review months in advance. Even the protagonist is unoriginal (Physicist who saves the world? Half Life, anyone?). The story is bland and much of the action is focused around people simply being killed off; especially towards the end. Character development is practically non-existent, and with the hostility between cast it appears as if some sort of miracle must have passed to let them all get so far into the trip without killing each other off first. However, that is not to say that this movie does not have it's very strange quirks.

Or, quirk, whatever.

As the mission blasts through space, rocketing past Mercury and onward towards the Sun; the crew (who, at this stage, are all alive) discover a distress beacon from a former mission that was launched seven years previously. They discover that the ship is still intact; and could provide the resources needed to complete a journey back. That's all cool - but then they discover the archives of the old ship and what happened to their mission. This, is where things get a tad disturbing - as they all discover that the deceased captain of the first mission reached such a overzealous level that he is driven insane.

Then this bloke comes back from the dead later in the movie and tries to kill the current astronauts in the name of God. Yes; it's a zombie horror film combined with a sci-fi flick. And it works really, really well.

I recommend you listen to Danny Boyle for a bit; when he, very excitedly, talks about the film:

http://www.filmdetail.com/archives/2007/04/05/danny-boyle-talks-about-sunshine/

Author: Melaisis | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

08: 13 - One of Us likes my reviews...

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds



Welcome One (of us) and all!



Well, as you can see, this week was a Juliet flashback. And the writers some how made Juliet interesting, yeah I was surprised too!

Flashback to start. The flashback pretty much carried on where it left off before in Not in Portland. Ethan and Richard are relaxing Juliet for a journey, they give her sedatives and she becomes unconscious. He walks up in the sub and climbs out and is greeted by Ben. Othery talk happens about how no one can get cancer on the Island, *cough* Remember Rose? *cough*. Juliet is in bed with Goodwin (WOO!). Ben's x-ray returns and it has a tumour on his spine, Juliet confronts him about why he has cancer, Ben does his normal weaseling out of things. Recap of the beginning of Tale of Two Cities but it continues Juliet is taken to the Flame station by Ben to see Mikhail (The eye-patch man) the show communication to the outside world. They show Juliet sister with a child in a playground. Ben claims that they would need to find mothers, and first they should check the plane...



HMM!

Flashback Rating: 5/5 - To be continued...

On with the realtime. On the beach the baby Aaron is crying but Claire is asleep and completely unaware of it. Charlie quickly walks up Claire and calms Aaron down. Claire looks like death, somethings wrong with her. Sawyer, clearly enjoying and embracing being in charge, quickly gets aspirin for Claire but they are interrupted by Jack, Kate, Sayid and Juliet coming back to the beach. Everyone begins to re console each other but the atmosphere changes, somewhat dramatically, when Sawyer sees Juliet. Jack tells everyone that they left her behind and everyone should welcome her. Claire worsens. Juliet claims she knows what to do and tells Jack why...because she, Juliet, did it to her. Luckily Juliet knows what to do she gets supplies. Cures Claire and Juliet is welcomed into the group.

Juliet: "Hey-Hey-hey!"

GOOD!

Realtime Rating: 4/5 - Out shone by the Flashback.

Time for the BIG reveal. As "The Three R's" returns to the Flashback review.

Wheelchair bound Ben tells Juliet what she must do. First gas Kate, drag her into the jungle and handcuff each other together. Then persuade Jack to take her back to the beach. Ben claims they have activated the implant on Claire. This meaning that Juliet can look the hero, making her fit in better. Finally ending with Ben giving Juliet a gas mask and leaving, stating, "I'll see you in a week."

Flashback Rating: 5/5 - Told you it was "To be Continued..."

Episode Rating: 5/5 - I'm guesing Left behind was just a hiccup.

Next Week - Episode 317 - Catch-22

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

11: 23 - Something That Made Me Giggle

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Written by: Melaisis

Hey guys. Just dropping by to make the one hundredth official blog post (although in theory it is really our fiftyth - as Dee has merged his old blog with The Three Rs - effectively doubling our post count and making it seem like The Three Rs has been around since around this time last year). Today, it is another joke-esque post, with a simple list. Full credit goes to the guy who came up with it, of course - as it is rather amusing. Ladies and gentlemen, I present:

50 THINGS TO DO IN A LIFT

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back:
"Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occassionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Author: Melaisis | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

15: 52 - Does Anyone Care Anymore?

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Written by: TehProdigy

I thought to myself whilst watching yet another illegally acquired film, that the efforts of the people upholding the law and basically trying to enforce how digital theft is a crime, has dwindled massively. Those corporate fat cats at Universal and Paramount must be as skinny as 8 year old nigerian rentboys by now, because its come to the stage now where you can type whatever you want in google and just watch it. Well maybe not that bad, but there are certainly a lot of video websites where I can just type the film I desire and get the full movie available. This is apparent with www.veoh.com where I instantly found films ExistenZ, Children Of The Corn, Final Fantasy Advent Children, Mortal Kombat and Borat. All were dvd quality. In fact you can go www.alluc.org for most things you want (I'm not advertising XD)and either watch them streaming or download depending on the website as a client may be required.In fact, you can even see on allUC's frontpage how attitudes have relaxed majorly, as the New York Times has mentioned the website. If the NYT cared, they would have reported the site for copyright infringement.And its not like its just films and tv either. I can easily come into possession of Vista and Windows if I wanted, any music I may desire by supposedly legal P2P programs, and any computer game or software that I may want. In fact, there is software worth £800 on one source that I could easily take, for nothing. So as Nigel Powers would say, all you anti-digital theft types dont even have a nametag, just fall down.

Labels: digital theft, fat cats, free films, free music, free software, free tv

Author: Prodigy | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

15: 11 - The only people being Left Behind are betamax users...

Friday, April 06, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds



Howdy.

Well the extra reviews from Ste never happened, but that doesn't matter; You still have me. ("Yeah brilliant") Time for a picture...



As always...Flashback first. Well quite a standard and ultimately boring flashback this week. (And by boring I mean by Lost standards. Comparing it to other shows like "Prison Break" makes the flashback Godlike...more on this another time.) Well it's a Kate flashback, of which you already knew because of the picture of her above. She meets a girl called Cassidy, recognise this name? Well you should Lostaholics, it's the women Sawyer (As in the "young Sawyer" aka "James Ford" aka "The guy who should play Gambit in the next X-Men film") fell in love with and taught how to con but it ended up being ultimately a Long con which Sawyer was conducting. They become friends creating ways for Kate to meet her mother without being arrested by the Marshal. They do, nothing happens, Cassidy says shes pregnant. All this flashback proved was that the child Cassidy showed Saywer was his and was not a con to gain his money.



Yawn.

Flashback Rating: 1/5 - Wow, a flashback worse than Jack's.

Let's move onto the Realtime events now. Locke enters the game room, with a suspiciously broken wrist, and tells Kate goodbye and that he has made a good case for her. He leaves, Kate looks out and the Others and placing on Gas Masks. A Gas Canister comes through the window and knocks out Kate. What is going to happen next? Will Kate survive? Where is Locke? Find out, next on ABC's Lost. Kate awakens in the jungle. Next to her is Juliet also unconscious. The wake up, have a cat fight. "Tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka..." Juliet and Kate dive behind some trees while the "Monster" searches for them. It comes right up to them then begins to flash brightly. It runs away. Female bonding then...they come along the sonic barrier. "Tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka-tikka..." Juliet and Kate go behind the disarmed fence and Juliet activates it. The Black smoke is stopped. they carry on back to the barracks. When they arrive at the barracks, Jack and Sayid are waiting. Jack decides that they should all go back to the beach. Sayid questions an Other being accepted into the Losties community, Jack being Jack just ignores it.



ALRIGHT!

Realtime Rating: 3/5 - So-so

Episode Rating: 2/5 - Maybe one of the worst, well "Fire + Water" will take some beating...

Next Week - Episode 316 - One of Us

Labels: Lost, Lost Review, Review

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

11: 04 - Windows Live Contact Cards Reloaded

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds

Remember this?

It's my infamous Windows Live contact cards. I thought I would give you an update on them. Here's the good part, the envelope...



OK, not that bad. Few knocks but nothing major, exactly what you expect from an envelope. OK now the back...



Yes that's right. Tape is holding it shut, not the greatest envelope then is it? Now the part which obviously most people will care about. When I say care about I mean more so. Because I don't expect you to care about some contact cards. Anyway here is the welcoming message card...



The only thing wrong with this which you can't really see on that picture is the faded colours on the card. Especially the dark blue at the top. OK, NOW, is the contact card...



Faded colour, dog eared, fraying edges. Not cool. (Because it's trying to be cool!) You'd think the most amount of money would go into these seeing as there the important part of the whole contact card business. So this was just another pointless post by yours truly, Dee4leeds.

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

08: 48 - The Shit In My Notepad

Written by: Melaisis

I'm currently in the huge process of actually cleaning out my room. Most of the shit in here (old school books, PC Gamer DVDs, my GameCube) has been useless for at least the past six months - so here I am, beginning the massive task of trying to sort the cack from the... alright stuff. All to the tune of the great 'I Believe' by Blessid Union of Souls (one of the few decent things Pandora picked out for me when I sourced 'I Don't Like Mondays' as a favourite track of mine). Right, yes, so to today's post:

As I was sorting through the many stacks of shite that littered by room - I came across a small notepad. See, I used to watch many, many sketch shows and stand ups a few years ago; and I kept a record of the best material in this skanky notepad. So, since I want to throw it out; I thought it more than appropriate to simply post the content on here and seek the opinions of our readers. In hindsight, most of the one-liners aren't that funny, but I must have believed them hilarious at the time. So, without any more further ado:

"There's so many fat people here tonight, I saw the Corrento salesman flicking through a speed boat catalogue." - Eddie Izzard, at the Apollo.

"I used to embarrass my wife by going into the supermarket, around the nappy area and shouting across to my beloved if we needed any. Of course, there always used to be a collection of old ladies who would be simply so polite that - when my wife tried to ignore me - would simply poke her in the back, chanting 'Excuse me, I think that man over there wants your attention'. I used to get a right kick out of it. That is, until one day - when I went over to the said nappies, my wife took the preemptive and said: 'Don't worry Jasper; the doctor said you don't need them any more.'" - Jasper Carrot, on tour.

"An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are stranded in the middle of the ocean. One day, they are attacked by sharks. The Englishman and Scotsman are eaten, but the Irishman remains. So, the Irish guy asks God why he was spared. God replies: 'I had one of your lot up here last week and my arse is still burning.'" - Drathos, TuX TeamSpeak.

"What do you call an honest Arabian businessman?"

"Assif." - Bloody everyone.

"A Chinese man goes to a doctor and says: 'I'm sad.' The doctor replies: 'When I'm sad, I sleep with my wife,' the Chinese man shrugs, and goes home. A few days later, the man returns to the doctor and says: 'I do feel better now. By the way, you have a nice house!'" - Can't remember.

"You can kick the shit out of a panda because no one notices since they already have two black eyes." - Jasper Carrot again.

"How come Mr. Universe is only won by contestants from Earth?" - Another cliche joke everyone tells.

"My wife is so gobby that when Jehovah's Witnesses come, they leave the house saying: 'Er... thanks; You've given me a lot to think about.'" - Jasper Carrot.

"Did you know that a survey out today says that British men last the longest on average during sex? Yep; we can go for an almost whopping seven and a half minutes! Finally! We've won something by coming (cuming?) last!" - Lenny Henry.

"Did you know that the groaning during professional games of tennis can mean quite a lot? 'Ugh!' means someone has just done a back-handed serve. 'Argh!' means that a volley is coming. 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!' means that someone has just discovered the price of the strawberries." - Lenny Henry.

"Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He was outstanding in his field!" - Probably one of my own, sadly.

"I hate doctor receptionists. I walk in and announce that I need to see a doctor. So then they go 'What's wrong with you?' - IF I KNEW THAT I WOULDN'T NEED A BLOODY DOCTOR!" - Jasper Carrot.

"One of the most annoying things about being a comedian is when you tell people what you do for a living and they always say 'Tell us a joke then!'. Bastards! When you see a politician you don't ask for them to tell you a lie or if you know a gynaecologist you don't request him to give the wife a quick going over, eh!?" - Jasper, again.

"Why did the golfer have two trousers?"

"'CAUSE 'DERE WAS A HOLE-IN-ONE!" - One of my own.

Author: Melaisis | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

19: 32 - Whatever happened to...Youtube's Featured List?

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds

OK then, I'll admit the title is not the most imaginative title I have ever come up with, but who cares?

Whatever happened to Youtube's Featured List?

Back int' day Youtubes featured list used to be the prime example of the tip top videos and creativity that could be found when looking hard enough through the deepest bowels of Youtube. But just look at it now. Not one 5 stared video. (Well there is not one 5 star video on the website at all, but it defends my point better.) What happened to the likes of the greatest user video "Tony vs Paul"; or the past his day (but can totally understand why) WineKone video about "Internet Recognition"; or even the infamous, even for those not on the Internet, video "Pokemon Theme Music Video" by the fellas at Smosh. Whats there now? Some beat boxing video about beat boxing called "excellent beat box" and some otters, doing what Abbatt will never get to do with Binns, hold hands in the also aptly named "Otters holding hands". What a pile of old tosh. Who cares about some lame chav skill and some dead otters floating upside down? No one. Further proof that Youtube is running out of Ideas is the fact they are now limiting the amount of new videos being placed there by getting users to put there all time favourites on it or theming the list for an event. Why don't they just scrap it? Sentimental value, I guess. So instead of "cute" dead otters or some "gangsta," use some of my ideas...

- Anything with to do with monkeys flinging poo.
- A mockumentry of an upstream river rafting journey.
- A spoof without the use of the word, "pussy"
- Some sort of use of stop motion a la "Tony vs Paul"

...

- God Squad Anyone?

What did that take me? 30 seconds. Not hard. Why can't anyone come up with decent videos?

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE ONE THEN, JACKASS?"

Well stick this in you pipe and smoke before the ban comes into force. We have created a script for the "God Squad" ready. All we need is an animator *HINT*.

Labels: Whatever happened to...

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

12: 14 - Dumb Questions #4: Bringing back the Classics!

Monday, April 02, 2007

Written by: Dee4leeds

I thought it was about time I did one of these classics again...

Why don't they make the entire Plane out of the material they use for the indestructible back boxes?

Because that would make sense it's just those Fat cats in Washington. I don't actually know what they have to do with it...sounds good though.

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

So you can spell it wrong and no one can tell you "Hey you, kid, you spelt phonetic wrong," instead they say, "Hey you, kid, you spelt phonetic wrong, but that's OK because it's not spelt fonetically, i mean Phonetically. Wait a minute that makes no sense I just said it phonetically but then corrected myself even though you couldn't tell i had spelt it wrong; although in actual fact i didn't write anything at all, so I didn't spell it wrong." See that's why.

Is "tired old cliché" a cliché?

An ironic cliché, yes. *tumbleweed*

Why is it you must wait until night to call it a day?

So you can ask this stupid question. See what I did there! No? Really? Oh, FUCK YOU!

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

So, we have all these dumb questions but to finish it off we have to have a religious question. Talk about lowering the tone of the ENTIRE blog. (Please take no offence from this statement, I want to live past 34...) Anyway back to question. No because it's metaphor. YESH!

Well this was a giant waste of time...

Labels: Dumb Questions

Author: Dee4leeds | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

12: 24 - Bowling For Rammstein

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Written by: TehProdigy

HA, good I have your attention.Due to my blogging inexperience, I was at a loss as what the subject matter of my debut would be. Then upon listening to some Rammstein, I had a sudden impulse to look for any information of them, and upon scrolling through their Wikipedia entry to which I owe predominantly all the source information to, I discovered a small section to which I was slightly surprised. This particular section was entitled ‘Relation To Violent Events’ and as I read I decided upon the perfect idea for this blog whilst using Rammstein as my prime example. I must also indicate that this should only be read if you're bored or feeling open minded. Possibly even if you just like reading monotonous lengthy rants.

IS RAMMSTEIN TO BLAME FOR MODERN DAY ATROCITIES?

Terrorism, four syllables that upon their mentioning, instil a small fear within every man (and woman ). Usually for the purpose of defending a religion, ideology or point of view, terrorism is the most extreme way of putting a message across, and making people believe it or at least be very aware of it.
It takes a lot for a terrorist or extremist to perform these tasks, to swallow his fear for his life and perform the terrible action he is convinced he must do, to mentally and literally acknowledge what he is about to undertake, and to dismiss the values and morals bestowed upon them by society, which would act as a obstacle in terms of preventing them keeping their focus on their task and having second thoughts as the date of the event becomes closer, swaying them from the execution of their proposed atrocity. And apparently according to various evangelical, moral groups, music is a prominent factor in aiding the potential perpetrators to continue with their plan via releasing the fear for the outcome of their life as an emotion, in the case of Rammstein, anger, aggression and rage. But can music truly help people’s thoughts of extremism and anxiety dissipate? Well, when listening to Rammstein, it is easy to see how one could quickly interpret this to be a truth. Their music is indeed riveting and forceful, reinforced by the staggeringly powerful vocals of Till Lindeman, I will also go as far in supporting these beliefs in saying that I personally get a feeling of barbaric strength rise up within me whenever I hear such booming tracks as ‘Mein Teil’, ‘Reise, Reise’, ’Links 2,3,4’ and ‘Sonne’, so the style and sound of their music does give one the impression that terrorists in this particular case could draw some sort of temporary, strength in their beliefs and in their acts, almost like it has been induced by a drug or agent.
However, the voice of Lindeman is quite misleading and deceptive, as for the most part, their lyrics are hardly capable of inducing hate when their meaning is revealed. More often not their lyrics are laced with humour, though very dark humour, rather than ideas of anti-Semitism and beliefs in hate and abhorrence . This is an obvious real life example of the common idiom ‘Never judge a book by its cover’.
For example, in the song ‘Mein Teil’ which does give off extremely violent and militaristic connotations (due to the usage of the keyboards Sovietesque sounds, reminiscent of war and communist conflict), is a song entirely dedicated to dark humour as it is inspired by the infamous German cannibal Armin Miewes and how he ate the castrated genitalia of a voluntary male and then consequently ate his corpse. The chorus which contains the line ‘Dann du bist, was du ist’ is basically translated as you are what you eat, with reference to Miewes as the song title ‘Mein Teil’ is informal slang for my penis, obviously a nod to the events involving the eating of the genitalia, but in no way inspiring any sort of violence. It is merely the pronunciation and vocal execution of the lyrics that give these impressions of aggression and rage, the rolling of Lindemann’s ‘r’s associated with the Teutonic tribe, a clan of barbaric and brute Germans of which can be seen at the beginning of the film ‘Gladiator’ who are reputed historically for violent and animalistic tendencies.
Also, in other harsh sounding songs like ‘Du Hast’ and ‘Zwitter’, the lyrics are in no way consistent with the theories of various people that their music’s meaning evokes rage and aggression in the listener, as ‘Du Hast’ is a twist of the concept of marriage, where the traditional yes to the ‘Will you be his loving wife/husband’ is replaced with ‘no’ and Zwitter, an enormously funny and imaginative look at the implications of being an Hermaphrodite, with translated lines such as; ‘When the others were looking out for girls, I could already fertilise myself’. Its plain to see how the connotations of evil and and aggression are ill-founded in terms of the meaning of the songs, songs are more than just listening to the tune and enjoying the rhythm and harmonious co-operation of the instruments, the lyrics are just as integral, as though it can be said that music without lyrics leaves its meaning open to the interpretation of the listener, requires more thought and concentration. However lyrics can add a further depth, sometimes necessitating more thought than is needed without the lyrics in order to understand the motive behind the song, like in poetry for example. I can tell you I had no idea that the poem ‘insert name here people doing English GCSE…Dee’ by Carol Ann Duffy was about how her mans lover went ‘diving for pearls’ or apparently muff diving , I just didn’t get that impression at all, the dirty lesbian whore (Carol).Therefore one could argue that lyrics and music go together like Josh and Chloe…heh perhaps a bad example there…YES I HAD PURPOSEFULLY STRUCTURED MY FIRST PHRASE SO I COULD FIT A HUMOUROUS STAB IN AT ABBATT AND GET A FEW LAUGHS AT HIS EXPENSE.
The lyrics, due to the openness of interpretation can be indeed taken to mean different things, like ‘du hast’ is ‘you have’ and ‘du hasst’ is you hate, the auditory distinction between the two difficult to identify when they are said by themselves, and also where ‘links 2,3,4,’ was intended to mean ‘my heart beats on the left’ with reference to their left wing political stance, a shot at the comment made by a music critic saying that some of their music was fit to ‘invade Poland to’, the far right wing being fascism and Nazi to which the critic is referring to. However this particular phrase is used in the German army in marching as ‘links’ indicates left like left 2,3,4., reinforcing the imagery of their supposedly militaristic and evil nature which can also be heard in ‘Reise, Reise’ their singing in unison reminiscent of soldiers chanting in time with their marching, the calls of ‘Hooohhaiiii’ also indicate this.
Therefore, there is substantial weight to both arguments, as due to the fact that music is usually free to interpretation, the songs can be interpreted to be the cause for inciting rage and violence, but when you talk to the artists, it is clear that these interpretations are not condoned and were not the intended connotations. As is the danger of music, in that anyone can interpret it how they wish, the meaning isn’t set in stone as such.
In April 1999, when Eric Harris and Dylan Krebold, the two shooters involved in the Columbine High School Massacre, stated that Rammstein was one of their favourite bands, many Christian and religious groups declared that their music was supposedly ‘demonically influenced’ and that Lindemanns vocal tendencies were similar to that of Adolf Hitler. This was due to something as stupid as Lindemann rolling his ‘r’s, and of course the stereotypical fact that the band are German, despite the blatant ignorance in that Hitler was Austrian and he (Lindemann) being accused of imitating this tribal sound associated with Germany, and apparently Hitler. A spokesperson for the group even announced; ‘…they have no lyrical content or political beliefs that could have possibly influenced such behavior. Additionally, members of Rammstein have children of their own, in whom they continually strive to instill healthy and non-violent values.’
They were also the tagged scapegoat for the Beslan School Massacre. Apparently, the terrorists were listening to Rammstein, to provide a placebo effect of energy, wariness and edginess in order to stay focused on their task, according to the Russian government. Suspiciously, these reports are unconfirmed.
However there is one strong piece of evidence in favour of the argument that Rammstein was a factor, as for the single ‘Ich Will’ the video was a portrayal of terrorists and the act they were going to commit. The clip was released on September 10th 2001, the 911 bombings occurred the next day, oh the irony.
Lindemann said that; here's been a lot of talk about that, but if there are radical feelings in people anything can wake them – a painting, a picture, whatever. It's just a coincidence that it happened to be our music. It's important to think about what caused them to make their decisions, how they became animals, not their taste in music.’ Though he makes a fair point, his defiance is necessary to defend the reputation of the group and retain their popularity. Any object could instil an emotion or feeling in an individual, or trigger the release of the emotion or feeling which has gradually been building up as time progressed. I’m sure that someone like Harold Shipman would have taken a look at the Mona Lisa and thought; ‘Must….kill’.
In either case, its clear that there is substantial support for both arguments, but in my opinion, no, as music is free to interpretation, thought the artists have said what they meant, it doesn’t mean somebody won’t get a different understanding or will not acknowledge it in a different fashion. Therefore you could even go as far as to argue that Barney the Purple Dinosaurs Theme Tune is an anthem for paedophilia, with the kissing and hugging of small children less than half its own size, obviously supported by ‘With a hug right there and a kiss from me to you’ possibly indicating via ‘from me to you’ that the child isn’t the one initiating the kissing and therefore Barney is forcing himself upon the small child, a paedophile or in Lehmann’s terms…a paedophile.
So you see, what it all comes down to is that everybody’s understanding and viewpoint is different, and therefore to say that Rammstein’s music is the problem is down to their opinion, and quite obviously, these people are not aware of the non-violent nature of the lyrical content. Anything could be argued with evidence, and so to this, I say NEIN!! Then again, this is also my opinion.

I admit that this first entry is hardly satisfactory but this is my first of many, and well I was kind of stuck for subject content. I will also concede that this is a very indulgent effort and requires a lot of willpower to read, but cmon, its my first!!!! Meh, the first and last paragraphs are sufficient I guess

Labels: Armin Miewes, Beslan, Columbine, Massacre, Rammstein, Terrorism

Author: Prodigy | Comments: | Leave Your Response?

12: 03 - OMFG Not Teh Aliens!?!

Written by: TehProdigy

It occurred to me, as I was watching Alien Vs Predator at around 5 am, that for a film charged with such visceral violence, especially this one, a showdown between two of the most deadly creatures ever created by imaginative script-writers, that there was something not quite right about the Aliens. No, they were as lethal and brutal as they always were, they dispatched humans and predators with such a graceful ease, in such satisfying ways that you nearly ejaculated all over the screen, as only a male could truly enjoy this film, due to the lack of a storyline, character development, no emotional depth, basically just any factor that could limit the amount of mindless violence and gore. So yes, they were the same old Aliens, but I couldn't help but notice, was Aliens claw a little.......limp? At first I ridiculed myself for thinking something that was so seemingly stupid, so unbelievable, that it was but a trick of the eye and I was quite mistaken. However the horrific reality of it hit me and as I fainted, I visualized Jack Nicholson in front of me screaming 'You can't handle the truth!' You were right Jack, you were one of those 'Few Good Men' who could have kept me protected in my cocoon of ignorance, where alien was a materialisation of testosterone, semen and beer. However, I now unfortunately know that rather than murder a 'Few Good Men' he would rather anally penetrate them, because Alien is *sigh* gay. Now I'm not homophobic, but I felt angered when I found out that an epitome, a flag bearer for the straight man and all his bloodlust ideologies, was in actual fact a 'puff'.

Yes I realise that this is extremely hard for you to swallow (OMG that particular tidbit of innuendo was not intentional!), that the mere concept of a gay alien is laughable and those who condone it are punishable by castration, no-one who could even consider the idea of a gay Alien deserves to be male. But alas, tis true though it pains me to say it, and I have concrete evidence to support this. Firstly, when the aliens wish to impregnate hosts with their foul spawn, they cling to the face and enter through the mouth, even in the cases when female hosts were available. Obviously the aliens are deterred by the vagina, as it is part of the female anatomy and therefore they have homosexual tendencies, hence they are gay or bisexual, although soon the latter will not be considered. Secondly, the majority of the hosts appear to be men, with only one female becoming impregnated. 'Maybe thats because its a film targeted at men' I hear you say 'And also isn't the army comprised almost entirely of male soldiers?'. Well yes but this is the 21st century remember, gone were the days of innocently checking girls breasts for cancerous tumours, and showing Molly from next door how Santa actually comes down the chimney, now tagged 'sexual abuse' and 'rape'. So nowadays females *tut* have to be presented as our equals and sexism is now thought of as an 'issue'. But one must take into consideration that the team of soldiers were supposedly elite, battle hardened combatants, which is too competitive a field for women, as the males strength and power would dominate most of the time. Hence only two women, one being an environmental expert, not even a soldier. Additionally one of the women is not impregnated, whereas all the men are (with exceptions of those cleanly killed by the aliens themselves and the predators.) Thirdly, the alien impregnator has an elongated proboscis extension that is used to deliver the spawn, which suspiciously looks very, very phallic. They get head in two senses of the phrase. Perhaps even three. Fourthly, the aliens enjoy foreplay as can be clearly seen as in one particular scene, the alien mounts the predator and tongues its face and helmet. Granted, in the process the tongue destroys the predators brains completely,but its the insinuation of how the tongue was used which makes this a substantial piece of evidence. Fifthly and finally, though it isn't from the film and therefore isn't a primary source, a particular scene from Family Guy I saw prior to the viewing of AVP showed a propaganda film about homosexuality. It indicated that a common trait of the gay was that their blood was green, acidic and highly corrosive. Just, coincidentally like that of the alien.
I wish to make it quite clear that I am not in any way homophobic, but I do feel slightly uncomfortable if i am in close proximity to a person who is of that particular persuasion. Though I would hardly feel comfortable in proximity to an alien, the fact he may want my cock as well as my blood doesn't instil me with any sort of confidence.

Labels: alien, face, facehugger, gay, homosexual, hugger, sigourney weaver, xenomorph

Author: Prodigy | Comments: | Leave Your Response?