21: 36 - The Devil's Game

Friday, December 22, 2006

Written by: Wombatlord

Greetings, I come to you bearing news, news of the darkest nature.

I have made a discovery, and that discovery is as follows.

Solitaire is the Devil's game.

Now, I don't mean it's a game played by the lord Satan, oh no, he's far too wily for that one readers, no, what I mean to implicate is that Solitaire is the creation of Diablo and his Dark Cabal. How did I come about this revelation I hear you ask? Well, gather round while I tell ye a tale...

Picture the scene, it's 6:00 pm, I'm alone in my room and I've just completed the old Lucas Arts favourite Full Throttle. The lights are out, the credits finish rolling and I ask myself with a smug sense of satisfaction "Hm, what now?" and so it began.

I venture to my kitchen, and return a short while later with a nice hot cup of tea, settling into my fancy leather office chair I click open media player and set a playlist going. "Mad Beats" affectionately named by your beloved author based on the fact that the list does indeed play, and does indeed contain beats, which are indeed of the maddening variety. They are German you see.

The next several hours are a blur, I remember opening Solitaire, German Industrial Techno and the occasional bit of French House thrown in for good measure thump and squeal out of my sick sound system. But then, oh then dear reader...I encountered terrors too terrible to describe!

But fear not...I'll describe them anyway, I'm not Lovecraft, and it's more fun that way.

Fooled into thinking that solitaire was a simple game of numbers, red on black highest to lowest and then in reverse I embarked, first game ended badly...as did the next 7 or so. But then...oh then, an 8! Had I beat it? Was this to be the glorious moment of my victory? I could taste it...and oh it tasted good my friend. And indeed it was...the cards slid into place, right click was clicked with courage and how the cards did cascade. I smiled. But oh...oh, woe is me.

I awoke fellows to the sound of drinking, and a bitter sweet smell. The smell of blood! And so I arose, tea in hand finding myself faced with none other than Lucifer himself, and he did laugh. I sipped.

Lucifer: You think you have beaten me hm?
Me: Say What?
Lucifer: You are fooled! Now. Game on.

Asmodai may or may not have proceeded to "Bust a Groove" to my phat tunes.

And so there was a table, green like the green of something that once resembled something edible, but had been left in the sun for...too long, and upon it rested a deck of cards! Laid out in the correct manner for playing only one game...

Solitaire.

And I played. Oh how I played, for two god damn hours. Unable to win, and unable to quit. "Just another hand" I would tell myself, and always so close to victory until one false move brought my magnificent numerical masterpiece down around me to the sound of Beelzebub's laughter and mad dancing skillz. Truly he is the Dancing Queen.

I was crushed, broken, jiggered, screwed and any other negative adjective you'd care to toss my way...and what did I hear in my failure?

Music.

German Industrial Techno.

It said thus...

God....Wrapped in Plastic.

Surely Mephistopheles was speaking to me, telling me that he had trapped the one called God in some cellophane prison, truely he was the victor this day...and I wept.

Not for God of course...I just realised.

I really suck at solitaire.

Subscribe to Posts? Return to The Three Rs!

Article Posted: Friday, December 22, 2006 at 21:36.
You can also send/bookmark this article using the buttons below...